Help How do you motivate yourself to do things while you're suicidal?

[dontletthembribeyou]

Earlier this month, I made an actual plan to CTB within the next few years if my life doesn't improve by then. Since then, I've found it near impossible to do the things I need to get done. I've always had issues with motivation and executive functioning, but this is ridiculous.

I'm in college and I have four huge assignments I need to turn in before the semester ends in two weeks. If I fail any classes, my parents will stop paying for me to go to college, so I'll have to move in with them AND start working full-time. It sounds dramatic, but in that situation I'll have no choice but to CTB because of my health issues and the unsalvageable relationship I have with my parents.

I don't want to have to CTB. I want to have a life that is worth living, but I can't bring myself to take the steps I need to get there. I just can't get myself to do anything with the knowledge that suicide is an option. It feels futile- why put in any effort into anything when there's a good chance it might all be for nothing?

Sorry for the rant. If anyone has felt similar to me and found a way to get things done while feeling suicidal, please let me know. This is life or death for me.

 

[maneose]

i feel you!! over the few months i had the epiphany that why does life even matter if we all die anyway? i've thought of this all the time, but it truly hit me and made me realize that the things i'm doing just feel so meaningless. i'm failing like 95% of my classes as well, with no major i want to do. im planning on changing it to public health instead of radiology because i don't care about it, but i don't care about public health either! it just seems more convenient because then i don't have to worry about my gpa as much.

my mom says that no one gets jobs in that major, go back to my first one. my friend says the even her smartest friend is in that major and struggles(pretty sure shes expecting me to fail lmao). im in a low paying job that makes me work my ass off for my original major and im too scared to quit it now because i just got it! i've started really debating on ctb, saying if things don't get better by my 21st birthday, then by the end of the year i'll do it, and ever since then i've been getting worse and i really don't expect myself to get any better. so the prospect of ctb is just, all im rooting for. what even is the point of doing work if im not going to be there to pluck the rewards?

all my passion and desire and motivation is gone. everyone says study, work hard, do your homework, but how can you do that when you imagine yourself dead in the next few months? my mom says it's okay if i fail my classes, but then says to try my best in them so i dont fail. she said i could to part-time school, but i cant expect her to pay out of pocket if being full time allows us to not do that. im sorry that you're in your situation, i wish you the best and if anything maybe the idea of having to go back to them could motivate you to do work? + idk what school system your in but in US colleges they need your consent to have your parents see your grades and if you failed certain classes(i think), so if anything you could lie about what classes you have if you need to repeat any. not sure how well that could work or if its viable.

sorry for going so indepth about me lmao used it as an excuse to vent, but i hope you the best and truly hope you can push through

 

[Pale_Rider]

It can be very difficult, but the motivation is simple. I dont want to sleep under a bridge!, but I do what is minimally required of me to have a roof over my head. Yeah I hear you.

 

[dontletthembribeyou]

i feel you!! over the few months i had the epiphany that why does life even matter if we all die anyway? i've thought of this all the time, but it truly hit me and made me realize that the things i'm doing just feel so meaningless. i'm failing like 95% of my classes as well, with no major i want to do. im planning on changing it to public health instead of radiology because i don't care about it, but i don't care about public health either! it just seems more convenient because then i don't have to worry about my gpa as much.

my mom says that no one gets jobs in that major, go back to my first one. my friend says the even her smartest friend is in that major and struggles(pretty sure shes expecting me to fail lmao). im in a low paying job that makes me work my ass off for my original major and im too scared to quit it now because i just got it! i've started really debating on ctb, saying if things don't get better by my 21st birthday, then by the end of the year i'll do it, and ever since then i've been getting worse and i really don't expect myself to get any better. so the prospect of ctb is just, all im rooting for. what even is the point of doing work if im not going to be there to pluck the rewards?

all my passion and desire and motivation is gone. everyone says study, work hard, do your homework, but how can you do that when you imagine yourself dead in the next few months? my mom says it's okay if i fail my classes, but then says to try my best in them so i dont fail. she said i could to part-time school, but i cant expect her to pay out of pocket if being full time allows us to not do that. im sorry that you're in your situation, i wish you the best and if anything maybe the idea of having to go back to them could motivate you to do work? + idk what school system your in but in US colleges they need your consent to have your parents see your grades and if you failed certain classes(i think), so if anything you could lie about what classes you have if you need to repeat any. not sure how well that could work or if its viable.

sorry for going so indepth about me lmao used it as an excuse to vent, but i hope you the best and truly hope you can push through

Thanks for your reply. I'm also in the US; I feel like college here is especially demoralizing because we're paying tons of money and the job market is so shit (and will probably get even worse under Trump).

I might just bite the bullet and fail one or two classes since I'm changing my major next semester anyway and these classes don't count towards my degree. My parents make me show them my grades before they give me any money, but I'm sure I can just photoshop them if I have to.

Speaking of changing majors, I'm sorry the people in your life are so negative about your new major. I think it's awesome that you took initiative to do that at all. Staying in a situation that makes you miserable doesn't do you any good, especially if you feel your time might be limited. If I were you, I would apply the same logic to your job. Take that advice with a grain of salt, though, because I'm not you and I don't know your situation fully.

 

[voidinsidemychest]

only thing I really chase is money. if i dont ctb then im planning to retire as soon as possible and take xans all day to make the time zoom by super fast

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I don't know if this will make much sense, but I tend to try and think "okay, if something manages to change and I find a reason to live, I should do things so that I don't have to start from scratch. If things don't change, then I will die. Nothing I am doing is getting in the way of that, and since I want things to change, I will live as if things will. Even if it is very likely that they won't."

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

I put the half of my brain that knows I'm going to shoot myself eventually into a box like its been sectioned off or quarantined and use the other half as if nothing is out of the ordinary. When it gets bad I think of the things I need to get done as achieving a little bit more before I die, for the sakes of the people who care about me.

 

[bsb601]

I put the half of my brain that knows I'm going to shoot myself eventually into a box like its been sectioned off or quarantined and use the other half as if nothing is out of the ordinary. When it gets bad I think of the things I need to get done as achieving a little bit more before I die, for the sakes of the people who care about me.

That's the only method that I have readily available. Any advice helping me accept that ?

 

[FoxSauce]

Telling myself I would be fired, or yelled at if I don't do my responsibilities or learning the dbt skills.

But mostly out of anxiety ill be alone disgrace to society beacuse if I get fired no money, no cleaning yelled at or being called laze and I need to keep busy when I'm in that state.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Regarding study and work, fear of failure tends to do it for me. I've long since finished studying but now with (freelance) work, I could potentially be sued I imagine if I don't meet a deadline. More likely, they just wouldn't employ me again. Going back to wage slavery would be a hell I'm keen to avoid.

Domestic dudgery is another matter. Seeing as I live alone, it's just me having to put up with the mess so- I'm dreadful with it. Even there though, there are limits. I don't want to become ill so- some level of cleanliness needs to prevail. Plus, I need to be able to have space to work so, some tidying needs to happen. It's like I need to make sure I can at least function adequately (like a damn robot.)

It's not entirely that my parents would let me go destitute- although, they couldn't afford to support me for a long period. It's more the absolute shit I'd get for becoming a burden on them. So- that feels worse than doing the minimum to pull my weight.

For me also, I want to wait for my Dad to pass before I feel able to. That's an unknown span of time so, I don't even know whether my CTB can be imminent. I have to assume I'm here for years but not likely decades.

 

[JesiBel]

I have to do my duty, I have no other choice. Most of my family is elderly or sick and cannot handle their daily activities alone. And I need money, I can't stop working.