How do you love someone when your brain always expects the worst?

[l1f31spa1n]

I'm so damn tired of being insecure. My first girlfriend, when I was 16, cheated on me in the worst way possible. Since then, in every relationship, that shit keeps haunting me. No matter what I do, that insecurity sticks to me like glue.

It's crazy how something inside me can flip without any shouting or drama. I just freeze. My chest tightens. My mind shuts every door one by one, like it thinks running away is the safest option. No anger, no yelling, just this silent panic that makes me step back from the person I care about the most. It feels like my own body is terrified of being hurt again… so it pulls the plug before love has the chance to do damage.

I think I'm not a bad person, so why do I always feel like running? Why do I always end up acting like someone who's broken, someone who would rather be alone than risk suffering again?

I've been tired of life for years. Tired of fighting with myself, tired of carrying this shit around. Even love, the one thing that's supposed to be beautiful, becomes stressful, heavy, a mental torture. I just want this to stop. I just want to live without that fucking insecurity ruining everything.

 

[timf]

Expectations can be tricky. When we get angry, disappointed, or frustrated it usually is a result of a conflict between reality and what we expected. With relationships one usually learns caution moving slowly from one stage to another. When alarming characteristics are identified, a deeper level (and greater emotional investment) can be avoided.

Here thee is a real advantage in being able to make accurate assessments quickly. For example, being able to tell if someone cares about others of is strongly self-seeking can help avoid many that would disappoint.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I'm so damn tired of being insecure. My first girlfriend, when I was 16, cheated on me in the worst way possible. Since then, in every relationship, that shit keeps haunting me. No matter what I do, that insecurity sticks to me like glue.

It's crazy how something inside me can flip without any shouting or drama. I just freeze. My chest tightens. My mind shuts every door one by one, like it thinks running away is the safest option. No anger, no yelling, just this silent panic that makes me step back from the person I care about the most. It feels like my own body is terrified of being hurt again… so it pulls the plug before love has the chance to do damage.

I think I'm not a bad person, so why do I always feel like running? Why do I always end up acting like someone who's broken, someone who would rather be alone than risk suffering again?

I've been tired of life for years. Tired of fighting with myself, tired of carrying this shit around. Even love, the one thing that's supposed to be beautiful, becomes stressful, heavy, a mental torture. I just want this to stop. I just want to live without that fucking insecurity ruining everything.

Let me tell you part of my story, because I completely get where you're coming from.
So I was married 12 years from 17 to age 28.
I had four kids with this woman and she decided to cheat on me and then leave me for this dude who completely manipulated her. She took everything from me and at my lowest I fell in love with a woman who told me everything I needed to hear and held me close... But she was a liar and a cheater too. So when I was at my most vulnerable this woman did the exact same thing my ex-wife did. This broke me in ways that I can't describe.

Now I'm married to someone new and my ex-wife relinquished all rights to my kids so now I'm fighting to get them out of foster care and we just found out my new wife is pregnant.
So recently I've been thinking about how despite whatever happens with my kids, I now have an obligation to stay alive.

The reason I told you the story is, had I given up I wouldn't be here. And right now I'm sure it feels like you have nothing and maybe in all honesty you don't... But you're the only one who can take the steps and put yourself out there and try. You're the only one who can steer your ship. As for the pain my ex's have caused me? It will never heal unless I admit that the truth is I loved people who would never love me. It was never my fault. And right now they're probably out here hurting other people and that's the reality.

 

[l1f31spa1n]

Let me tell you part of my story, because I completely get where you're coming from.
So I was married 12 years from 17 to age 28.
I had four kids with this woman and she decided to cheat on me and then leave me for this dude who completely manipulated her. She took everything from me and at my lowest I fell in love with a woman who told me everything I needed to hear and held me close... But she was a liar and a cheater too. So when I was at my most vulnerable this woman did the exact same thing my ex-wife did. This broke me in ways that I can't describe.

Now I'm married to someone new and my ex-wife relinquished all rights to my kids so now I'm fighting to get them out of foster care and we just found out my new wife is pregnant.
So recently I've been thinking about how despite whatever happens with my kids, I now have an obligation to stay alive.

The reason I told you the story is, had I given up I wouldn't be here. And right now I'm sure it feels like you have nothing and maybe in all honesty you don't... But you're the only one who can take the steps and put yourself out there and try. You're the only one who can steer your ship. As for the pain my ex's have caused me? It will never heal unless I admit that the truth is I loved people who would never love me. It was never my fault. And right now they're probably out here hurting other people and that's the reality.

Thank you so much for sharing your story :)


Seventeen to twenty-eight years old — that's such a long relationship… you must have been so broken…


If something like that ever happened to me, I'd be so hurt, damn…


In a way, I almost wish it would, because the pain would be so strong that maybe I'd finally be able to fight SI.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I only had one relationship ages ago,. Lasted 3 years, and was with a sadistic woman who enjoyed seeing me suffer. She fed on my suffering.
After that I had many failed attempts of finding a GF, and then finally my chronic pain and depression got so bad that my brain stopped craving for a relationship.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Thank you so much for sharing your story :)


Seventeen to twenty-eight years old — that's such a long relationship… you must have been so broken…


If something like that ever happened to me, I'd be so hurt, damn…


In a way, I almost wish it would, because the pain would be so strong that maybe I'd finally be able to fight SI.

Honestly, as great as the pain has been it hasn't impeded the survival instincts. I explained this to a therapist by comparing it to jumping down the holes in Silent Hill 2. Just when you think you're at the bottom of the basement you find out the basement has a basement and you end up questioning if there ever is a rock bottom or not.
So, respectfully the only thing you can do is stop yourself from falling. There is a point where we have to take personal accountability for letting ourselves spiral because if we don't we continue to spiral. Some people have issue with me saying this but arguably... Who is going to save you from yourself but yourself?