How do you feel right now?

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

sums it up

 

[Neraul]

Low. Flat. Ashamed of taking up space in the world. Defective. Dreading the mask I have to put back on tomorrow to get through another week of work somehow.

I wish it were easier to ctb and not the carefully thought out, logical one that requires waiting sometimes

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

The mask is real!

 

[- crybaby -]

Confused and immature

 

[voc_89]

Hm where are they, except from here?
Would like to meet them in rl.

You resmart, you re wise.... I ve been through so much as well and haven t learned it, yet.

lol I would like to meet them irl as well. Sadly u can't. Most people have selfish intentions. In another thread I mentioned I love being alone. And that is why. Cause most people are just manipulative and deceptive (cause they pursuing their own interests). FC (Funeral Cry) is getting alot of hate (if FC reads this i am on your side) these days but it is so true. Humans are the worst. At least we have this forum (a safe haven) to just be ourselves (I am so thankful for it). From a young age we are taught to always be trusting. It takes a while to go against that hard wired programming. If I could... and if i am not being disrespectful to your plight.. don't blame yourself too much for that. The person I mentioned who burned my passport... I really believed they had my best intentions at heart.... even when they chastised me. Told me (in no short terms) I would never get a partner in life. Locked away food in the 'house' from me and my siblings. Locked the bathroom for days on end (no showers.... no toilet). Lol the amount of shit she did to me. But I believed she had my best interest at heart. I wanted to love her as well (so pathetic on my end.... and for a while I really tried to get her love... I was missing that 2nd parent in my life). Lol. Its only after a while u wake up from the programming. So don't blame yourself. But I can relate (somewhat... i don't want to assume as no 2 people go through the same).

The mask is real!

 

[CowardStaysIn]

I'm not sure tbh.

 

[f1rebender]

day 1 of starving

 

[Ares]

This bubbling, seething, scraping, scathing sensation scratches in my chest, echoes in my heart, and I hate how it makes me feel. It's unceasing, stretching, boiling hot enough that I can taste it. I want it gone. I want it to disappear, to go away, to melt through and out to never come back. Why can't I just erase it? It has no reason to be here. It is uninvited, unasked for, yet I can't discard it. What more does it want? Hasn't it fed and taken its fill by now? It's pressed me to the wall and still demands more of me. I have little else left to give, except it takes anyways.

 

[JaJu]

Exhausted. Not looking forward to another week of work. I want to sleep for a long time.
I need more time for my mental health...

 

[Ash]

Felt like shit anyway then I saw the news about the UK government's plans to review disability benefits with specific mention of mental health. So much for the post-war legacy of the welfare state. Always felt like a burden and a waste of money. Nice to have it confirmed.

 

[Eudaimonic]

i want to die really badly. i would end it rn if i could
i hate my body, myself, and my life so much

 

[terra.nuvo]

Pretty terrible. I've just been bed rotting for the past few weeks now. I haven't been able to bring myself to even try to do my assignments anymore cause I know I won't be able to do them. I've been trying to go outside to get some fresh air but the fresh air and sun does nothing for my depression.

 

[Ares]

Hate. Boiling simmering scalding burning raging thrashing hate. Frustration, anger, growling hissing at me to get a move on. To do something, anything, to keep struggling. Desperation, pleading, begging myself to fight. To crawl up to my feet, shove myself into my work again and again and again no matter what I think. It's like a golfball in my throat, a scream dying out before it even has the chance to escape. It's stuck inside me, and it wants me to move. I need to fight. To crawl. To work. To keep moving forwards. I can't think.

 

[JaJu]

Feeling relieved to have my days off again. Today wasn't too bad... it was busy, but not as hectic as other days before it. Always so tired. Drooping. Looking forward to sleeping in.

 

[Life_and_Death]

sick...
i didnt sleep just tossed and turned. i woke up and my head hurts, my body is uncomfortable and im nauseous. im probably going to throw up today
im tired of anorexia....

 

[Ash]

Still a mess after yesterday.

 

[moshimoshi]

I felt pretty alright today, besides the short instances of feeling sad and angry. I'm praying that I'll be able to recover more, but I'm terrified of slipping back down again, especially because I always go through these cycles of feeling extremely awful and then suddenly feeling okay again. I just really need to figure out what to do differently this time

 

[Ash]

I felt pretty alright today, besides the short instances of feeling sad and angry. I'm praying that I'll be able to recover more, but I'm terrified of slipping back down again, especially because I always go through these cycles of feeling extremely awful and then suddenly feeling okay again. I just really need to figure out what to do differently this time

I hope you can figure it out

 

[moshimoshi]

I hope you can figure it out

Thank you so much ash I really hope you feel better soon It's very frustrating hearing that those things are happening with disability benefits in the UK regarding mental health

 

[Mirrory Me]

Good and calm. I slept for some reason only two hours last night - which felt longer, and I was watching that it was five o'clock repeatedly. Maybe I leapt into another dimension / reality during the dream.

Otherwise, everything is fine, it's sunny outside and I'm wondering if I should go buy cannabis. My birthday is on Friday, but I don't know if I can wait that long.

@Ares

I too have sometimes tried to use criticism and self-hatred to push myself to act, so that I could be proud of myself and my achievements. But it's really stressful to go through it / that energy stays inside you.

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

This bubbling, seething, scraping, scathing sensation scratches in my chest, echoes in my heart, and I hate how it makes me feel. It's unceasing, stretching, boiling hot enough that I can taste it. I want it gone. I want it to disappear, to go away, to melt through and out to never come back. Why can't I just erase it? It has no reason to be here. It is uninvited, unasked for, yet I can't discard it. What more does it want? Hasn't it fed and taken its fill by now? It's pressed me to the wall and still demands more of me. I have little else left to give, except it takes anyways.

I feel this. Like its someone/something feeding from me for some unknown reason. If only I could discard it. It keeps feeding on me like a parasite.

Im on the train to rTMS treatment. Almost two hours because of work on the railway. Feel like SHIT. My therapist told me maybe I can never work a full time job since Ive got that burnout 3 years ago that turned into this life destroying depression.

Fine I'll work less. Just give me my life back. Been smoking marijuhana in the evening to numb my feelings. Not a long term solution I know but I don't know what to do. I workout, go out to cycle or walk, eat well, sleep well, don't drink too much. All that and what does life give back? Depression and even suicidal Ideation. I read up on all methods here. I'm not going to do it.

I post rants like this here everyday in the hopes it will calm me down but right now it doesn't do much.

 

[Melancholic_Misfit]

Annoyed.

I had a therapy session today. It's online therapy, as my therapist and the institution he works in is in another part of the country.
Bitch kept interrupting me and not letting me talk about the topic I wanted to talk about and instead just kept going on about what he wanted to talk about.
Fucking asshole, it's like I pay him for me to be his therapist.

Usually I'd come out of these therapy sessions feeling a bit better but today I'm just feeling pissed. Like I wasted my money for nothing.
What makes it worse is that at one point my phone stopped working for some fucking reason until I restarted it a bunch of times. So that's 15 minutes of our session gone down the drain.
Also because I have no privacy at home I essentially need to endure the extreme heat of the rooftops for maximum privacy during our therapy sessions.

So yeah.

At least he doesn't shit on you for being queer I guess, compared to other mental health workers here.

 

[Ash]

Really light headed and pulse rate through the roof after just taking one 15L bin bag out to the wheelie bin. Wish I knew this was the start of the end.

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

Another day... Living with anxiety and depression. I couldn't do my work yesterday. Have some work to do today but I don't know if my condition will let me. Life sucks. All day I hope and pray this was over.

 

[Ares]

I feel this. Like its someone/something feeding from me for some unknown reason. If only I could discard it. It keeps feeding on me like a parasite.

I'm sorry you deal with this. It's a terrible feeling. Isn't this enough? Is this what I subconsciously want? It doesn't go away, despite the unvoiced questions repeating in my head. I'd have thought our minds would get the memo by now that these feelings aren't helping us ahaha... so be it. I'll just harness these feelings for my own purposes, I guess. If my feelings can take advantage of me, it better expect the same treatment.

I too have sometimes tried to use criticism and self-hatred to push myself to act, so that I could be proud of myself and my achievements. But it's really stressful to go through it / that energy stays inside you.

It does stay, doesn't it? I don't mind too much, though. At this point, it's a part of who I am. I'll fight, crawl, scrape my way through life. At least this way I can use the hate constructively for myself, if not to help motivate others. Either that, or the alternative where I've crashed and grasping for any ounce of strength on my room floor trying to get myself to move, or work, or anything ahaha!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I still can't get out of bed but I just realized I actually haven't eaten in almost 24 hours which is insane to me because of how overweight I am. Maybe I am just too lazy to eat.

 

[Ares]

You hypocrite. You're so fucking stupid Ares. You're not going to stop until I tell you to. You won't stop. Let the pain bleed from your veins all you want, you will fight. Get up. You will be the strongest, do you hear me? How could you forget? Careless. Arrogant. Unrealistic.

Get up. You have to get up. I won't be ignored again. We will keep doing this as many times as it takes. Stand up. Coward. Idiot. Workaholic. You think I care if I fit in with them? I'll fail all I want. I will prove them wrong. I don't care how obvious the gap between our skills is, I will stand up. Show them why you're still alive. I'll scrape my way out of this shitty place with my bare fucking hands. Laugh. Keep laughing. Think I'm weak. I'll show them. You'll show them. Every last drop, every ounce, every little bit of strength you have left. Ignore the pain. Endure. Fight. Strike with the entirety of your being, summon it all. Until you can only crawl. They won't defeat you. Spit in their faces. They can go to hell.

Destroy yourself as many times as it takes, you will become the strongest.

So... for the last time, stand up. Get on your feet Ares.

 

[JaJu]

I still can't get out of bed...

Same, pretty much stayed in bed the entire day.

Big change from the schedule I've been living for the past month, so it felt dull, boring, and empty, but there was also a feeling of familiarity, peace, and comfort. I missed this. I wish I could do this every day until I don't want to.

 

[Ash]

 

[moshimoshi]

Very very worried and sad