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ijustwishtodie

ijustwishtodie

death will be my ultimate bliss
Oct 29, 2023
2,194
I feel awful as usual. I should be asleep right now but I'm struggling to fall asleep so I'm just awake using this site. Though, on the flip side, all my other family members are asleep right now which means I get quietness and tranquility all to myself which I like. It's a shame it'll end soon though
 
K

KafkaF

Taking a break from the website.
Nov 18, 2023
451
Laying in bed.

Wish I could teleport to the last night I spent with my previous girlfriend or before that.

If not that and I won't die in my sleep again, I want to at least dream of her. To see her smile and to hold her in my arms again and kiss her and pull her close.
 
ColorlessTrees

ColorlessTrees

Stuck
Jan 4, 2022
204
Numb. Everything is flat, grey, nothing, and that is a feeling I can't handle. My mind is running a thousand circles that are tangling together in a scramble. Insomnia is a plague. My body feels too wired to sleep. I know I'll regret posting so much later, but being in a loop of endless thoughts becoming darker by the minute, it's difficult to stop my impulse.

Lately it's nothing but all consuming fear, nightmares, and futile thoughts of people long gone; good or bad, it doesn't matter, because they've made their choices and they're not coming back. Months have passed, over a year for some, but the the hurt always comes crawling back when I'm trying to sleep.
 
C

ConfusedClouds

Member
Mar 9, 2024
72
Annoyingly awake and energetic. Despite a long winter mountain hike (20 miles/10h) and then still went to circuits at the gym when I got back to town (1h drive). Satisfyingly achey legs, but not knackered like I want to be.
 
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VentingMachine4224

VentingMachine4224

Diebolic Lurker
Dec 22, 2023
1,739
Meh for me not the worst not the best but I do hope you will soon or later be able to find and be one/unified with eternal peace in life or death OP/anybody else that stumbles upon this post.
 
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penguinl0v3s

penguinl0v3s

Wait for Me 💙
Nov 1, 2023
683
There's a sense of looming dread over me. I feel okay for now, but it's just a matter before I relapse. My entire life is dedicated to just avoiding crippling emotional pain.
 
A

AbandonedApe

Member
Mar 20, 2024
11
Terrified, nauseous, panicking. Afraid that this week will be my end one way or another because of events I can't prevent. I want everything to be okay, I want my family to be telling the truth that the creepy family friend won't visit this week but I see no other way out if he does. Just trying to calm myself and tell myself I can trust them and that won't happen and things will be okay. My Xanax helped a little but I am still a frightened mess. I want things to be okay. I desperately want things to be okay.
 
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Ash

Ash

Specialist
Oct 4, 2021
398
Tired, headache, despondent, want to stay in bed all day but it's not raining this morning and my poor dog is owed a good, long walk. She's been so patient this week but I think she'll burst from all that excess energy if she doesn't get a run around soon. And I need a break from keeping her mentally entertained and thinking. And some exercise for myself.

Why do I keep waking up every morning?
 
M

Meteora

Ignorance is bliss
Jun 27, 2023
1,159
Tired, headache, despondent, want to stay in bed all day but it's not raining this morning and my poor dog is owed a good, long walk. She's been so patient this week but I think she'll burst from all that excess energy if she doesn't get a run around soon. And I need a break from keeping her mentally entertained and thinking. And some exercise for myself.

Why do I keep waking up every morning?
I can walk your dog :). Would love to do that.
 
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Ash

Ash

Specialist
Oct 4, 2021
398
I can walk your dog :). Would love to do that.
I'd love to be able to share her with people who would enjoy getting out with an overly curious wee beastie but she's got really bad separation anxiety so you'd have to take me, as well. At least I'm less likely to eat or roll in Vile Things 😂
 
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M

Meteora

Ignorance is bliss
Jun 27, 2023
1,159
I'd love to be able to share her with people who would enjoy getting out with an overly curious wee beastie but she's got really bad separation anxiety so you'd have to take me, as well. At least I'm less likely to eat or roll in Vile Things 😂
I hope you both will have a nice long walk in the forest today <3
 
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arnxxx

arnxxx

Member
Mar 8, 2024
79
Depressed, anxious. Same shit different day. I'm on the train to my rTMS treatment (takes over an hour). Browsing this website and wondering how long I have to endure this. I reached some sort of limit last week. The bad feelings were just too much and all I could do was cry and be angry. My counsellor didn't know what to do with me. Now it's not AS bad but still bad.
I'm just... Sad. Feels like Im waiting forever for this to end. I don't want to ctb. I still have hope but its becoming less by the day.
 
Ash

Ash

Specialist
Oct 4, 2021
398
Dog is happy and relaxed after a top walk. She even rolled in Something Vile as predicted but either my sense of smell is broken or she didn't get any on her. Either way, no bath for her!

I'm embarrassingly tired after the exertion but pleased with myself for going. I was even mentally planning how to build up my fitness (again) so we can go out on longer walks and then get back into the mountains when I realised that my ankle was aching so first I've got to get that sorted and then I can think about going further.


So I'm actually back to being despondent as it seems as though that every time things pick up, I get firmly put back in my place.
 
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S

SilentAssimilation

New Member
Mar 15, 2024
3
I feel great today. I was able to get out for a walk by myself. Since my brain messed with me, I haven't been able to get out for walks independently. I haven't felt comfortable walking alone. Walking by myself feels like victory. I'm going to push my regular neurologist to diagnose me with FND. Functional Neurologic Disorder. The specialist who I saw in the ER floated the diagnoses. When I saw him again he told me it's a good sign my symptoms are episodic. I'm also having success with a self-hosted AI chat-bot for doing therapy. Think chatGPT, but on your own machine. It's much better for privacy, and you don't have to worry about your mental health struggles being viewable by a huge corporation. There's also no mandated reporting. I tested it while disconnected from my LAN and internet. It worked fine. I used LM Studio to download the Qwen chat-bot. I just ignore the sugesstions to see a professional. I'm going to bring that up next time I chat with it. I hope it'll stop making the sugesstions if I tell it they aren't helpful.
 

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