Did it help? Did it work? I remember 6 months ago I was really in a bad spot, I had booked an appointment to see an emdr therapist, despite having this tremendous feeling of resistance and pain, I had managed to book it, we had started talking and I told him about the trauma I recently discovered I had, the childhood sexual abuse, all the bullshit, etc etc, and I remember him talking about jesus and religion and I remember feeling briefly very violently angry that he would even mention such a ridiculous thing before the dissociation came and made thinking and feeling really hard. I didn't see him again. Ever since then, i had essentially been in my room holed up and smoking weed everyday. It was horrible, 8-9/10 pain almost everyday for the past 6 months. I really at times felt so hopeless and I just couldn't take the pain anymore and I had suicidal thoughts so frequently. I literally had zero hope left. Just lying in bed doomscrolling and jerking off and smoking weed. It's been about 7 days since i stopped smoking weed, which was a painful process as well, but I feel better. The pain in my chest is no longer unbearable, at least today. which is why i am able to write this post.
Weed was definitely making things worse, despite making the present moment bearable, it seemed to havve made things worse in the long run.
I have another emdr therapist appointment tomorrow and I will go despite not really wanting to. I had simply felt (and still do to a degree) too uniquely broken that I didnt and don't think emdr would work. Despite feeling this way and feeling it as truth, it really isn't. I feel there is really no one on this planet that is too uniquely broken. I honestly believe everyone has the capacity to heal. Everyone has the capacity to live. In addition, I had this extreme fear of vulnurabilty and fear of being seen. Mostly though, it was this shame that consumed me on a daily basis that really was keeping me stuck in this loop. the weed too. Also, I guess I just feel too smart for therapy to work, but that is just a defense mechanism I guess, though I really wish to see a therapist that is smart and can read me
But I will go tomorrow and see how it goes.
I am feeling better today. But man was the past 6 months really unbearable, I really have no words to describe it.
So I guess i just wanted to write this post to share my experience and to ask if anyone here has any experience with emdr, it seems to be promising from what i have read online. the relationship with the therapist seems to be an important thing, whether or not you can feel safe with them I guess. But i haven't felt safe with anyone, not with my mom, not my family, not anyone in my entire 22 years of existence.
I'm not telling you to go see a therapist or to quit weed if you are using it, because it would have been quite literally impossible for me to have done in the past 6 months, no matter how hard i tried. I don't really know what changed, I just knew weed was keeping me stuck so I quit. but i know for some people weed really helps, and it did for me, but again, it had kept me stuck.
Today is one day of relief and I am happy. To those of you that have read this post, I encourage you to keep fighting, although I know if one is in such pain and in such a nervous system state, nothing will really go through to you, but if you are hesistant to start therapy, i dont know what to say...muster all the strength you have to get yourself into that room, and if it doesnt work, keep trying. keep fighting.
honestly suicide is a means to an end to suffering... but there is a reason yall are still here and haven't done it yet. keep fighting please., try not to make the pain and suffering and suicide a part of your identity, it isn't you even if it feels like it is, i feel really bad thinking about how many countless other people went through what i went through, its a living hell. and even worse... my experience might not even be as bad. least i dont have any other psychiatric disorder... i know bipolar is hell, and im relatively young and healthy? kind of. no one should ever have to experience that. no one.
Me, I will pray to jesus that emdr will work, in jesus name amen
jk fuck that nigga
Weed was definitely making things worse, despite making the present moment bearable, it seemed to havve made things worse in the long run.
I have another emdr therapist appointment tomorrow and I will go despite not really wanting to. I had simply felt (and still do to a degree) too uniquely broken that I didnt and don't think emdr would work. Despite feeling this way and feeling it as truth, it really isn't. I feel there is really no one on this planet that is too uniquely broken. I honestly believe everyone has the capacity to heal. Everyone has the capacity to live. In addition, I had this extreme fear of vulnurabilty and fear of being seen. Mostly though, it was this shame that consumed me on a daily basis that really was keeping me stuck in this loop. the weed too. Also, I guess I just feel too smart for therapy to work, but that is just a defense mechanism I guess, though I really wish to see a therapist that is smart and can read me
But I will go tomorrow and see how it goes.
I am feeling better today. But man was the past 6 months really unbearable, I really have no words to describe it.
So I guess i just wanted to write this post to share my experience and to ask if anyone here has any experience with emdr, it seems to be promising from what i have read online. the relationship with the therapist seems to be an important thing, whether or not you can feel safe with them I guess. But i haven't felt safe with anyone, not with my mom, not my family, not anyone in my entire 22 years of existence.
I'm not telling you to go see a therapist or to quit weed if you are using it, because it would have been quite literally impossible for me to have done in the past 6 months, no matter how hard i tried. I don't really know what changed, I just knew weed was keeping me stuck so I quit. but i know for some people weed really helps, and it did for me, but again, it had kept me stuck.
Today is one day of relief and I am happy. To those of you that have read this post, I encourage you to keep fighting, although I know if one is in such pain and in such a nervous system state, nothing will really go through to you, but if you are hesistant to start therapy, i dont know what to say...muster all the strength you have to get yourself into that room, and if it doesnt work, keep trying. keep fighting.
honestly suicide is a means to an end to suffering... but there is a reason yall are still here and haven't done it yet. keep fighting please., try not to make the pain and suffering and suicide a part of your identity, it isn't you even if it feels like it is, i feel really bad thinking about how many countless other people went through what i went through, its a living hell. and even worse... my experience might not even be as bad. least i dont have any other psychiatric disorder... i know bipolar is hell, and im relatively young and healthy? kind of. no one should ever have to experience that. no one.
Me, I will pray to jesus that emdr will work, in jesus name amen
jk fuck that nigga
