I have been through some ups and downs lately trying manners to deal with my depression: that heavy agonizing feeling that I felt and partially still feel. But I have started to question myself in what state should one normally be in... I know that many of us, including myself, try to avoid those painful states. It also comes with many downsides besides the pain like the tendency to isolate, the tendency to forget... but, considering how unpredictable, complex, and fragile life really is, is it really right to consider feeling well as the norm? It seems like people who are fine the great majority of their time are using a blindfold. So, how are you feeling right now? If it is bad, do you want to get better ? do you believe you should feel better ? Do you already feel well ?
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 38,856
Tired of existing as usual and wishing for the peace of non-existence. To simply exist as a conscious being in this reality where there is no limit as to how much one can suffer truly is so dreadful and futile. I see wanting to die as being all that makes sense, the whole idea of "happiness" in this reality is incredibly delusional to me, no matter what existence could never be a desirable state.
A bit meh at the moment I think.
Recovery takes so much effort sometimes and once you slip back it can be a mountain just to get back to a regular baseline.
I know I can be happy, free and joyful but every time the fight seems so much harder and harder.
Recovery takes so much effort sometimes and once you slip back it can be a mountain just to get back to a regular baseline.
I know I can be happy, free and joyful but every time the fight seems so much harder and harder.
divinemistress36
Illuminated
- Jan 1, 2024
- 3,266
Ready for death tried all the treatments for depression that didn't work . Ready for eternal sleep
Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 21,153
I feel constantly upset that I let myself make the same mistakes as before. It just proves that learning from the past just doesn't happen for me and that the only way to stop this pattern is if I end my life altogether. It feels like this current infatuation of me has all of the traits of the previous situations rolled into one final boss. I really hope she's the final boss so that I can say that I at least made it this far and just simply gave up in this shitty game of life. I don't want to be feeling this uncertainty anymore. I tried initiating something with this girl from my work and now I wish I hadn't. She hasn't responded to my message online where all I asked was what games she plays and now at work all she does is say hi to me. I have no idea what to make of any of this. Maybe she lost interest after somehow finding the real me? Maybe she knows I don't deserve love and that my death will be a good thing.
I feel like an asshole as usual. I am also getting in the way of my younger sister's happiness because her current boyfriend of a few months is the kind of person I hate and she doesn't care. She still goes out with him even though I have made it clear I will never accept this dude. I thought we were close and that I could count on her to actually care about my past traumas but just because my reasons for hating those kinds of people are wrong she thinks it's okay to ignore me. She might be right and I hope my death will make her happy since I'd be no longer in the way.
I feel like an asshole as usual. I am also getting in the way of my younger sister's happiness because her current boyfriend of a few months is the kind of person I hate and she doesn't care. She still goes out with him even though I have made it clear I will never accept this dude. I thought we were close and that I could count on her to actually care about my past traumas but just because my reasons for hating those kinds of people are wrong she thinks it's okay to ignore me. She might be right and I hope my death will make her happy since I'd be no longer in the way.
BlackMoon
Peace-seeker
- Oct 30, 2023
- 190
I wish I was homeless and all alone. I'm already lonely around my acquaintances.
I feel like I have tons of problems on me and I can't move and I can't even want to get better anymore because I'm exhausted mentally and physically... I just wish I could disappear in an instant :/
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1012512
wound-up
- Jan 20, 2024
- 18
today was for the most part actually more neutral than anything, after a long chain of nothing but bad days for over a month. things seemed a bit alright for the most of the day but for a couple hours now i've been feeling really bad again (alas, i find myself back on this site.) things have been really up and down and up and down for the greater part of the past few months - having a fully good day would be nice, but i'm not banking on it.
I feel peaceful to be honest. I've decided to find a reliable way to CTB. I've had many failed times. But for once in my life, I actually feel at peace knowing it'll be over soon
I'm trapped in a hopeless financial situation that I am unable to do anything about. As I get closer to being homeless I've lost interest in everything and feel paralysed with fear, hopelessness and such heaviness that all I can really do is make plans to CBT and contemplate the mistakes I've made that have got me here...and wonder what it will be like to be free without the need to have a secure roof over my head and money to survive and define who I am, what I have and what I do.
BlazingBob
I'm still here b/c of my dogs
- Oct 28, 2021
- 602
Like I don't want to exist. I truly envy the dead. Hopefully I'll join their ranks soon.
CouldaHvBeenARock
Farewell, My Concubine
- Nov 16, 2023
- 144
I feel wrecked
Just came out of the hospital after 3 weeks like my parents literally jumped me and got away with it cause I didn't wanna go
I'm under surveillance at home but once I collect myself and find some time I'm planning to catch the bus, hopefully I will succeed
Just came out of the hospital after 3 weeks like my parents literally jumped me and got away with it cause I didn't wanna go
I'm under surveillance at home but once I collect myself and find some time I'm planning to catch the bus, hopefully I will succeed
wish you could change places with me then, I'm facing homelessness - its the reason that I'm getting out of here.
mortuarymary
Enlightened
- Jan 17, 2024
- 1,363
leavingthesoultrap
(ᴗ_ ᴗ。)
- Nov 25, 2023
- 1,212
Tokugawa_Yoshinobu
Arcanist
- Sep 10, 2023
- 424
EvisceratedJester
|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
- Oct 21, 2023
- 3,634
I'm in a great mood because he messaged me back, meaning that hasn't grown tired of me. I feel amazing right now. I was so worried that he grew tired of me for the past few days but it seems as though he hasn't!
Raindancer
Specialist
- Nov 4, 2023
- 323
I am exhausted. I had a really good day and it completely wasn't worth it from the crash afterwards. It's a constant struggle of make it through the rough bad times, build up to some kind of the old normalcy, have it for however long, until the next crash. I was up at 3 am watching a show where people had died and all I could think was how lucky they were, the struggle was over.
Mitsumi
Student
- Dec 23, 2023
- 108
ChiseHatori
Member
- Mar 2, 2023
- 94
ijustwishtodie
death will be my ultimate bliss
- Oct 29, 2023
- 5,165
I feel shitty because I'm still alive. I wish somebody could have murdered me already. As long as I live, I'll never find peace
iusedtobehappy
Experienced
- Dec 2, 2023
- 234
Feeling like my time is getting closer. Every day, there is a pull towards it. I sometimes have reached out only to be ignored which then only reinforces that I am not meant to be in this world. I look for the tiniest little bit of comfort that I would always get from my beloved cat and every time, I die a little more. I try to be spiritual and listen to frequencies all night and I've tried and I've tried. I think there is an afterlife, I'm not 100% sure, and I feel my little baby is there not knowing what's happening, not knowing where I am, and he's confused and hurting. I need to get to him or at least die trying, literally. I can't be in a world where no one loves me. So, unloved with the need to pass on from this world, is how I'm feeling.
almondmilk
And you know, for you, I'd bleed myself dry
- Mar 7, 2023
- 98
migimortis
Love It Or Waste It.
- Jan 15, 2024
- 149
Not good at all. Cramps, headache, unbearable tension.
Why clinch this life if it is such a burden?
Why clinch this life if it is such a burden?
murderatruemorgue
Member
- Feb 17, 2024
- 44
I've just been so, so angry the past couple of months. I have a short fust\e, and people piss me off-.
I was always a pretty chill, laid back person before. I would never have been considered an 'angry' person. But with everyone going on the past while I've hit my limit. I get so pissed off and then sob because there's nothing left I can do (except the obvious.)
I was always a pretty chill, laid back person before. I would never have been considered an 'angry' person. But with everyone going on the past while I've hit my limit. I get so pissed off and then sob because there's nothing left I can do (except the obvious.)
BlazingBob
I'm still here b/c of my dogs
- Oct 28, 2021
- 602
Horrible. My life is unbearable. I can't function because of chronic pain and painful exhaustion yet I'm forced to because I live under the roof of a tyrant who loves making my life a living hell and squeezing every last drop of blood out of me. She has all the power because I have nowhere else to go but one thing she doesn't have power over is my decision to ctb. On a micro level I can see why suicide is so maligned. Once you are dead you can't be exploited and abused, and that infuriates the control freak psychos who control this slaughter house of a planet. That's why they'll throw you in a cage, drug you up, and reeducate you for trying. Sorry for rambling. I guess they'll be no respite and the misery will persist and likely increase up until the very second I decide to pull the proverbial trigger. Back to the original question, I'm suffering badly on all levels.
