how do you feel right now? don’t even think about it, just type.

[itsgone2]

I need to get it over with. I've known for months what I need to do. Details need finalized. I'm scared but I'm also not living life.
Insomnia sucks. Writing this a little past 4 am. How many 3 and 4 am wakeups have I had in life? Thousands? It's honestly time to end this.

 

[scenecore fan]

idk, i feel weird, this last couple of days have been smth like a wake up call for me, like i'm finally coming to terms with the idea of kms after years of it just being this wish on my mind... but otherwise, i feel like shit, sad and a bit angry idk...

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Woke up. Does unconsciousness bring relief, or just the half-awake state? At any rate, unconsciousness is the priority now. But hanging hurts. Those are the contents of my mind now. Gotta get unconscious, but it hurts.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Procrastination is my entire lifestyle. Coaching things are going undone. I haven't told anyone I'm out for the spring. I keep using my impending death as an excuse not to do anything. This is getting really bad. The anxiety is mounting but the urge to act is not.

 

[lpdsvm]

Feeling like what is the point? I will not exist anyway. I will get sick one day or even worse. I am not immortal. I will lose my job anyway. Like why should I go to work tomorrow? SN can "cure" me now.
Not like I hate my job. I hate to overthink if I am not enough there
It is because of my pro life policy. No CTB if I can live decently without looking for food or thinking about how to stay safe from any trouble
Funny and sad. I can't...
I am just tired. You know, I might be getting replaced. I don't know. I am tired of thinking. I feel tired. Even if I didn't work still would be tired.

 

[39hatsune]

i feel empty and numb. i feel lost. i don't think i'm doing anything correctly, but i'm so drained at this point i don't really fucking care.

guilty, tired, missing and hating them at the same time, js wanna sleep forever

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Removed from everything, and temporary as a person.

 

[Luna223]

tired, so tired

 

[loslassen]

I feel frustrated and powerless, guilty and stupid and like a total bum. I feel somewhat lost and mostly resentful. I feel so much anger and upset but my inability to express it is leading me to do bad things to myself. I don't want attention, in fact I want to be left the heck alone, I want to cry for days and rot away so maybe I won't have to hold it together all the time and be so numb and hateful.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Ever more deeply ashamed. The way I lived my life was ridiculous in so many ways. I was clueless. A sheltered little boy who never dealt with anything real and thought he was much, much bigger than he was. I've been humbled over and over and it's still not enough. The way I've conducted myself is vomitous. The stream of stupidity that has come from my mouth and fingers. The cowardices, the shrinking from the challenges of growing up. I cannot live with my memory.

 

[whoisit]

I'm a bit more at peace now I know my order is on it's way.

 

[lanadelreyisgod223]

i'm ready for it to be over

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Part of me says I'm bullshitting myself, but I'm not. I do want to die. I just don't have a peaceful enough method.

I obsess about hanging and throat cutting but I don't have the guts for either.

That's a drastic act of FELT self-harm. Might as well try to gouge an eye out. It doesn't mean I don't want to die.

Suicide theater and posting here make me calm. But this is addictive behavior. I have to stop and go do something.

 

[Unlucky777]

Ever more deeply ashamed. The way I lived my life was ridiculous in so many ways. I was clueless. A sheltered little boy who never dealt with anything real and thought he was much, much bigger than he was. I've been humbled over and over and it's still not enough. The way I've conducted myself is vomitous. The stream of stupidity that has come from my mouth and fingers. The cowardices, the shrinking from the challenges of growing up. I cannot live with my memory.

I feel the same way about myself

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Bad. I'm alive. If I weren't, I wouldn't be feeling anything, which for me is the perfect state: non-existence.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I feel the same way about myself

I started taking the easy way out--quitting--and comforting myself in my own head decades ago. I don't stand up for myself. I don't make anything happen in real life. I wilt at the smallest challenge. God, how I wish I could go back and develop into a good person.

 

[mistercarrot1]

deflated, inert, want to be saved or dead.

 

[Unlucky777]

I started taking the easy way out--quitting--and comforting myself in my own head decades ago. I don't stand up for myself. I don't make anything happen in real life. I wilt at the smallest challenge. God, how I wish I could go back and develop into a good person.

Just thinking about everything in the past makes me want to kill myself. I don't know how I ended up where I am now. It's like a happy story that turned into a horror (I say this as a fan of horror movies). As you said, I can't live with my memory. The regrets. The mistakes. The failures. The lessons I kept repeating and never learned. The wasted potential. The situations I put up with. The people I surrounded myself around. It all haunts me daily and I just want to die just by thinking about these things and my brain won't stop replaying everything.

Life is a curse

I started taking the easy way out--quitting--and comforting myself in my own head decades ago. I don't stand up for myself. I don't make anything happen in real life. I wilt at the smallest challenge. God, how I wish I could go back and develop into a good person.

Also, right after I made the last post this video appears in my YouTube feed. I am not a religious person but an atheist and this video gave me some solace and I hope it does for you also

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

this video gave me some solace and I hope it does for you also

Thanks. I need this message right now.

Edit: oh wow, this is really Christian. I've been there recently. Maybe I do need to go back. I find it very hard to believe. But it's a powerful formula for fixing your mind, and I'm gonna fear hell and wonder if it's true anyway. Maybe I do need this kind of thing.

 

[Unlucky777]

Thanks. I need this message right now.

Edit: oh wow, this is really Christian. I've been there recently. Maybe I do need to go back. I find it very hard to believe. But it's a powerful formula for fixing your mind, and I'm gonna fear hell and wonder if it's true anyway. Maybe I do need this kind of thing.

You're welcome!

Actually this channel is speaking to me. This next video is exactly how I've been feeling. I'm becoming quite fond of this channel

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

You're welcome!

Actually this channel is speaking to me. This next video is exactly how I've been feeling. I'm becoming quite fond of this channel

The fact is that Christianity works on me. The idea that my problem is my sin, that God will forgive me and help me to heal, that heaven & hell are in play--all of this makes sense to me.

I find it very hard to maintain my brutal Darwinian/Nietzschean atheist view where the strong do what they will and the weak suffer what they must. Because I'm one of the weak? Maybe!

I was able to be the "hard truths" tough guy for a while because I was cruising on grandiose expectations of my future. Somehow I was gonna be a big man soon and laugh at the little people. Having lost any plausibility of that, I need a different perspective.

Reaching back out to God, as I did just months ago, lessens my pain. Maybe it's just making me crazier. But it works, at least in the short term.

 

[Unlucky777]

The fact is that Christianity works on me. The idea that my problem is my sin, that God will forgive me and help me to heal, that heaven & hell are in play--all of this makes sense to me.

I find it very hard to maintain my brutal Darwinian/Nietzschean atheist view where the strong do what they will and the weak suffer what they must. Because I'm one of the weak? Maybe!

I was able to be the "hard truths" tough guy for a while because I was cruising on grandiose expectations of my future. Somehow I was gonna be a big man soon and laugh at the little people. Having lost any plausibility of that, I need a different perspective.

Reaching back out to God, as I did just months ago, lessens my pain. Maybe it's just making me crazier. But it works, at least in the short term.

I hear you. I have been on a spiritual path for about over a year now since I entered into a dark night of the soul and I have been gravitating towards these messages. It's been helping but I always resort back to my traumatized responses. I have faith and hope at times and then moments of losing hope and faith. It's a vicious cycle.

I just want to escape my mind really, I would love that

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I hear you. I have been on a spiritual path for about over a year now since I entered into a dark night of the soul and I have been gravitating towards these messages. It's been helping but I always resort back to my traumatized responses. I have faith and hope at times and then moments of losing hope and faith. It's a vicious cycle.

I just want to escape my mind really, I would love that

Yeah, I convert back like 30min at a time. No deep roots to my thought. I'm well into cognitive deconstruction and can't be philosophizing.

Step 5:

https://recovatry.com/escape-theory-mens-mental-health/

 

[wantingdignity]

I feel hopeless and helpless. There are so many people I miss. There are people that I once loved that I still crave. Recovery is a bitch.

 

[Oreki]

I feel sad that the world is such a mess, and sad for good people suffering to the point that they commit suicide. I don't care how this sounds, it genuinely makes me sad, and I stand by that.

 

[FlyCatcher]

On paroxetin withdrawal, feel like ultra shit, my suffering must be stopped, one way or another.