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Ahh thank you for your kinds words ;~;
Wait being pessimistic helps you? How? Also with podcasts of things you don't understand? I hate it when I don't understand things, I feel so stupid :[
Yeah, places like this for example. I'd be miserable anyway so being here at least helps me feel less alone in my misery. Pessimistic philosophy and works of fiction have the same effect as well. Plus they also just confirm my worldview, which is always nice, as everyone can attest. :)
Addiction I guess, not knowing what else to do, severe anxiety. Drinking, nicotine, browsing the internet the whole day, etc.
I see.. sounds like you're stuck on instant gratification. I'm the same :/
Delayed gratification is a luxury, it's for people who can afford to make plans for the future
The crazy thing is that I only ever had confidence in my art! I wanted to become an animator for Disney someday. My art teachers told me that I should think about my choice more. I've always had very bad social anxiety. They said I wouldn't do well in the animation industry because there's so much communication required. They were right -- I used to post lots of fan art online and the only artists who could make a career out of it posted often, knew how to market themselves, and had many art friends in and out of the fandoms they drew for. Nowadays people get scouted by their portfolios. No one would see my animations or character designs unless I could network. I couldn't do it so I chose CS because I like math, used to like making themes on forums/blog sites, and I heard people in CS didn't need social skills. The social skills part is very untrue though, especially now that the CS major is so popular.
Sorry it didn't work out for you :[
You're right on that point. In my life, at least. I lay down at night, and think about the fact that I survived another day, even with the thoughts in my head and the demons I battle. My motivation to live, to fight to live is basically non existent at this point. I have some bad coping mechanisms, but I'd say the way I cope is trying to find happiness in even the smallest things. It doesn't always work, but sometimes I feel some semblance of peace or being taken to a different reality altogether when I'm playing video games. I immerse myself in the story, and pretend that it's me, living it out. It helps me when I feel like I can't take the pain anymore. I know to some it might seem silly, but it's helped me. I hope you're finding peace, in whatever you do and in some aspect of your life. Wishing you the best.
I used to cope with video games but for some reason nowadays it just feels like a hassle..
the way i see it when i ruminate on my eventual suicide is "if this doesn't work and I'm left disabled, how long will I be forced to live like this?" I know it seems silly to worry about stuff like that when your spending time planning on dying, since physical and emotional concern kinda don't matter when your dead. I say a good general rule is live just over what the average life expectancy of your country is, that way if it doesn't work and you are left disabled you'll have less time forced to live like that than you did with a fully capable body, serious prep starts for me at around 40 since things are guaranteed to never get better now more than half my life has gone and it'll still be a age where most my family are still alive (albeit elderly).
I can relate to, and understand that. I used to be something I love, now it's merely become an escape. I can empathize with that so much. :( I'm so sorry this is happening for you. I find that's when I feel at my worst, too. It's like you e plucked the words straight from my mind. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, and if you ever just want to talk, or need a friend feel free to message. Even if I can't do anything to help, I will do what I can. I hope today is better for you.
