Help question to the victims of abuse

[shediedatsea]

my original stance was that there is no excuse for abuse, no one deserves it
but lately i've been thinking, that maybe i do deserve it for the way i act, i may have not deserved it back then but i surely deserve it for my behaviour now
how do you cope with being abused or any other abusive history?
the abuse has turned me into a selfish and cold hearted person, who isn't capable of change anymore
i don't do much besides laying in bed these days, i gave up my part time job because i'd constantly have panic attacks and cry before, during and after my shifts due to anxiety, i am truly lazy and struggle to get up and do what i'm told to, i guess things were different if id just do the things im told to do, i always excuse my lazy behaviour with my diagnosis and weak physical state, its an endless loop of misery

 

[imtiredasf]

my original stance was that there is no excuse for abuse, no one deserves it
but lately i've been thinking, that maybe i do deserve it for the way i act, i may have not deserved it back then but i surely deserve it for my behaviour now
how do you cope with being abused or any other abusive history?
the abuse has turned me into a selfish and cold hearted person, who isn't capable of change anymore
i don't do much besides laying in bed these days, i gave up my part time job because i'd constantly have panic attacks and cry before, during and after my shifts due to anxiety, i am truly lazy and struggle to get up and do what i'm told to, i guess things were different if id just do the things im told to do, i always excuse my lazy behaviour with my diagnosis and weak physical state, its an endless loop of misery

Just because I've done things that I'm not proud of or don't like in some way or another now, doesn't mean that I am a bad person or was even then. To wonder if you're a bad person kinda makes you a good one, you know? Bad people don't frequently question their own motives or actions.

Having gone through a lot of things, I find that I acted, or reacted, in a way that I was not proud of when I was triggered or pushed into a corner, like a survival instinct. That doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me a human who wanted to survive and get what I was "owed" for what had happened to me.

 

[Cicis.Doing.Unwell7]

my original stance was that there is no excuse for abuse, no one deserves it
but lately i've been thinking, that maybe i do deserve it for the way i act, i may have not deserved it back then but i surely deserve it for my behaviour now
how do you cope with being abused or any other abusive history?
the abuse has turned me into a selfish and cold hearted person, who isn't capable of change anymore
i don't do much besides laying in bed these days, i gave up my part time job because i'd constantly have panic attacks and cry before, during and after my shifts due to anxiety, i am truly lazy and struggle to get up and do what i'm told to, i guess things were different if id just do the things im told to do, i always excuse my lazy behaviour with my diagnosis and weak physical state, its an endless loop of misery

(...)

There's a HUGE difference between saying, "The abuse made me a person who does this and that."
"Because I abuse someone, it made me this and that person."

I definitely had to learn all of this in the clinic.

I've already mentioned this example in one of my comments:
When I was in the clinic and wanted to talk to the head doctor about how I really wanted to have group therapy on the topic of suicide, she flipped me off and said, in a nice way, that I was the problem and needed to learn, that that is unacceptable here (which it truly was.)

It's definitely a Hottake on my part, but...

If your parents abused you, you have to take responsibility for it and work through it all if you want to live.
(Edit: Its still their fault, don't get me wrong, but it brings someone nothing to keep blaiming and do nothing. Just keep blaiming and do something. xddd)
There's never a way around it - no matter how much you complain, lie in bed, and/or don't work.

To say, that you can't change is just a matter of facts you give to yourself imo. Everyone at anytime in life can change - I always have my grandpa in mind. He said he is 70 and won't change for the good of his own, and he ended up voting for a nazi-party/right-wing party in my country and is one of the people who is destroying the future of me and my siblings. () (That is a very extrem example, but it is one, so you would understand where I'm going from.)

For me, there are always only two extremes - either everything or nothing. (BPD is screaming.)

But you can take it slow - start somewhere.

(...)

 

[iamanavalanche]

i think i was the worst version of myself when i was being abused. ive been in multiple abusive relationships where ive had my partner SA me but my worst was when one of them r--ed me 2-12x every week for 6 months. i cheated, i lied, i burst out in anger over the stupidest things. i did anything in my power to make prejudiced people feel as embarrassed as possible. i think it made me feel in control. like i had power in my actions of "justice" when ive never had that before. id still consider myself a horrible person despite not being like that anymore. my cptsd makes it hard to live and to not be angry sometimes.
but i realise i was reacting to what was being done. and im still reacting. all we can do is take the time to process what has happened and accept that we were in a really shitty situation.
i wish the best for you and other victims of abuse ♡

 

[unluckysadness]

I was in boarding school from the age of 10 to 15 and I suffered physical and psychological abuse from teachers and other classmates. Also perhaps sexual abuse when I was sleeping, but it's not certain because of traumatic amnesia. There were pedophiles in this hellish place, one of whom was convicted. It was between 1992 and 1997 and my parents didn't care. If I CTB, it will be one of the reasons.
Harming children is diabolical. All my thoughts are with the victims

 

[eggsausagerice]

my original stance was that there is no excuse for abuse, no one deserves it
but lately i've been thinking, that maybe i do deserve it for the way i act, i may have not deserved it back then but i surely deserve it for my behaviour now
how do you cope with being abused or any other abusive history?

i think that i deserve my abuse if my parents regret giving birth to me. while i can try to make my life better by having friends/having a job, i ruin everything because i get anxious and i feel like an extreme burden. i probably deserve to be abused if i don't want to be alive and i'm just disappointing everyone. i wish my mom realized that she hated being a mom earlier on. sometimes i think of posts online that talk about how the parents regret it but they can't get rid of the kid because they're expected to raise it after giving birth to it.

i feel like unmotivated scum and i'm actively making my relationships worse by resenting people who have happier lives than me. i hope that i'll go through with my suicide soon so that i stop burdening everyone. i only care about making my parents happy now, because i don't have any goals anymore. killing myself is the only way to stop their abuse.