Help Im an abuser

[JeeperzCreeperz]

Recently during a conversation with my girlfriend, we've both come to the conclusion that I have been mentally abusing her. I was mortified to think of that and I even got notified to a private tweet that she had posted where she calls me her abuser.
I don't want to be a bad person, I spent my whole life wanting to be a good person. I am just like my mother and I don't know what to do, I don't want to be a bad person.
She is my girlfriend of 4 years, she is my only friend and I don't want to lose her but I've hurt her so bad and she doesn't deserve this. I told her I am going to get help and be a better person
She doesn't want to talk for the whole day and I feel like ending it all. I have been in a mentally dark place for a long time and it's starting to feel like I deserve to die. But wouldn't that be the ultimate guilt trip.
Why do I have to be such a bad person, I want to be good. I want to be good.
How do I become a better person

 

[+lostdog+]

is there some sort of tell that youre an abuser? maybe something you do that makes her feel that way?

 

[JeeperzCreeperz]

is there some sort of tell that youre an abuser? maybe something you do that makes her feel that way?

I tend to make her feel like everything is her fault and that she is being villainised. She told me that even if my intent is good I need to think about the impact.
This was all over text I should prefice, we are a long distance couple.
I don't want to keep hurting her like this and making her scared, she says she's scared I'll get mad at her though I don't remember the last time I was mad at her recently...
I feel like I have the tendency to guilt trip without even knowing it, though I have been working on that and I really thought I was getting better