How do you cope with knowing you'll be completely alone in your last moments?

[Brokensaddle]

I now have a clear understanding of when I'm going to die and it's going to be sooner than I had expected. And I'm about 99% sure it will be in a hotel room alone.

Even though I don't really have the fortitude to maintain healthy friendships with people anymore, I did have an online friend who I could turn to occasionally throughout this nightmare shitshow of a life I've had for the last 6-7 months. And now that friend is gone. I can't be too surprised because they seemed on their way out anyway... I know most relationships in this life are temporary anyway... but it's now just really hitting me that due to various factors - whether it's the problematic nature of who I am as a person or circumstances outside of my control - I'm going to be completely and desperately alone before I drink SN and lose consciousness. It's a fitting end but I'm having such a hard time accepting these last terms of this brutal, cold world. A great way to lose relationships is by bringing problems. You don't do that if you want to make it in this world socially.

How do you all cope with that fact? How will you cope with the feelings of tension, fear, and also desperation you might feel and not being able to call a single person before you die? I imagine some of you are probably accepting or won't feel any sense of isolation. And in some ways, talking to someone before you do it can cause complications, as you also have to deal with their feelings about your decision. But I guess I just wanted to say goodbye to someone, as pathetic as it sounds. I wanted to matter to someone even if on a superficial level before I went.

I guess SS is now the last vestige of human contact I'll have before I go. I can be grateful for that. But it's still really sad. I don't know.

I've spent most of my life on my own, I didn't really have any friends until I went to university and with covid19 I'm back to being on my own. I spend most of time at home trying to keep a much of distance from my abusers as possible. I'm planning on my hanging myself at home with my abusers in the same house as me but they won't be in my bedroom. I'm really sad and upset about your situation, it breaks my heart knowing you feel this sad and alone.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm planning on my hanging myself at home with my abusers in the same house as me but they won't be in my bedroom.

Sorry you have to live with your abusers! I never thought about it that way, living alone as I do, that I'm away from mine.
I am always the target of these types and just wish to be left alone by everyone. I suddenly feel very lucky after reading your post that I do have something to be grateful for after all. No one here to abuse me! I feel like I won the lottery after reading your post. I hope it goes well for you and they don't disturb you.
I wish I could offer you an escape of a different kind.

 

[Heart Shards]

How will I cope? I'll be fucking ecstatic. I won't have to be around people (Ninety nine percent of them are pieces of shit.) And soon after I'll never have to deal with them again. Being in isolation in those last moments will be my motivation to CTB, to overcome SI.

 

[Brokensaddle]

Sorry you have to live with your abusers! I never thought about it that way, living alone as I do, that I'm away from mine.
I am always the target of these types and just wish to be left alone by everyone. I suddenly feel very lucky after reading your post that I do have something to be grateful for after all. No one here to abuse me! I feel like I won the lottery after reading your post. I hope it goes well for you and they don't disturb you.

Every place I've lived there was an abuser of me. Except here. For the first time in my life.

I found out 2 weeks with the help of my social worker that I own 75% of my house. My abusers had kept my dead dads will away from me. I've been told o can throw my mum out but lawyer fees plus getting the house in my name will cost a lot time and money which I don't have. My sister owns the rest of the 25%. I have recordings of my abuse, I have recordings of them telling me to commit suicide and threatening to make me homeless, the police said they can't help me. I don't think my abusers would stop me if found out, I think they would celebrate and they act to everyone on three street that he had mental health issues. They have previously tried multiple times to get me sectioned thats why I'm so desperate to die

 

[Meditation guide]

My sister owns the rest of the 25%.

So then you have total control of what goes on in that house. You outweigh her in your rights. I would order your mom out if she is one of your abusers. You have that right. I suppose you're right about needing a lawyer. I wish you had the money/time to fight it.

 

[Brokensaddle]

So then you have total control of what goes on in that house. You outweigh her in your rights. I would order your mom out if she is one of your abusers. You have that right. I suppose you're right about needing a lawyer. I wish you had the money/time to fight it.

I have some saving and I asked social services and my mental health team to help me find a lawyer because my anxiety is so bad that I haven't left the house for 2 weeks. They told me it's a civil issue and my problem and I should go out and find out but it's really hard to do with covid19 it's not like I can walk and ask. My friends tell me to wait until I get a job because I have a science degree which would come in handy with covid19 but everyday is living nightmare . I've been told to go into for non molestation order against my mum as I have enough evidence to win. I went for one against my sister and had to settle for undertakings as I run out of money

 

[lostangel]

I've always been alone so I don't have an option.

 

[LenkaX]

I can't cope anymore and my life is a living Hell. In past, I coped with studying, playing computer games and creating music. But now there is nothing I can cope with. I just constantly think about suicide.

 

[JFED]

Been alone all my life. Why would my death be any different. Hope I get this done soon.

 

[Meditation guide]

I have some saving and I asked social services and my mental health team to help me find a lawyer because my anxiety is so bad that I haven't left the house for 2 weeks. They told me it's a civil issue and my problem and I should go out and find out but it's really hard to do with covid19 it's not like I can walk and ask. My friends tell me to wait until I get a job because I have a science degree which would come in handy with covid19 but everyday is living nightmare . I've been told to go into for non molestation order against my mum as I have enough evidence to win. I went for one against my sister and had to settle for undertakings as I run out of money

Can you simply put her out? Put her clothing out in the street and change the locks?

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Plenty of people die alone without even intending to. It's just a natural thing in life.

I don't have anyone who regularly spends time with me anyways besides my family. I wouldn't want them seeing me die though. So to me it'll be like any other regular day, I'll wake up and experience everything by myself.

But once I do it, I hope I'll be in Heaven and I'll be with God and lots of friends, and a puppy.

 

[LastFlowers]

It wouldn't be any different from now.

And what we want in life is different from the act of dying. I don't want anyone else around, it will be bad enough that my corpse will be messed with when I am dead. I'll never understand people who actually want partners for this type of thing, to me it is an intimate, solitary act.

 

[CatabolicSeed]

I prefer to be alone in my final moments, CBT or natural.

 

[Brokensaddle]

Can you simply put her out? Put her clothing out in the street and change the locks?

I wish I could do that but I can't. It's not effective I would need court orders. If I touch and damage any of their stuff I could possibly face charges of property damage, plus the neighbours will have a go at me and I worry for my safety when I leave the house. The police have been called to my house multiple time in the past 4 year. They have called the police on me twice and falsely claimed I hit them or my one friends calls the cops because they are worried I'll hurt myself. It's happened a couple times last month and now even the neighbours hate me, they have started abusing me and we laughing when I got 136 because they thought I was being arrested because I was the bad guy. I get yelled by them so I don't even go to my local park to calm down anymore. I have recordings going back 4 years that show them psychologically and verbally abusing me telling me to commit suicide to telling me their going to ruin my life and make me homeless. I asked the lawyer who helped me with injunction against my sister and unfortunately he said he can't advise me what to do as it's not his field of law but possibly I can sue them for hiding the will but that would take lots of money and several years and I don't wanna fight that long. I know I kick my mum out legally but I need to speak to wills or property lawyer and lockdown makes it hard. My fucking social worker keeps advising me not and they have purposely not helped because my mums old and of covid19 make her vulnerable but what about me she abused her autistic son since he was young teen and has lied throughout safeguarding. I've had police officers call me and email me saying there are sorry that they can't do anymore to protect me and that they believe me. For several years while was studying at university social services and my mental health team didn't believe me.

 

[Meditation guide]

I wish I could do that but I can't. It's not effective I would need court orders. If I touch and damage any of their stuff I could possibly face charges of property damage, plus the neighbours will have a go at me and I worry for my safety when I leave the house. The police have been called to my house multiple time in the past 4 year. They have called the police on me twice and falsely claimed I hit them or my one friends calls the cops because they are worried I'll hurt myself. It's happened a couple times last month and now even the neighbours hate me, they have started abusing me and we laughing when I got 136 because they thought I was being arrested because I was the bad guy. I get yelled by them so I don't even go to my local park to calm down anymore. I have recordings going back 4 years that show them psychologically and verbally abusing me telling me to commit suicide to telling me their going to ruin my life and make me homeless. I asked the lawyer who helped me with injunction against my sister and unfortunately he said he can't advise me what to do as it's not his field of law but possibly I can sue them for hiding the will but that would take lots of money and several years and I don't wanna fight that long. I know I kick my mum out legally but I need to speak to wills or property lawyer and lockdown makes it hard. My fucking social worker keeps advising me not and they have purposely not helped because my mums old and of covid19 make her vulnerable but what about me she abused her autistic son since he was young teen and has lied throughout safeguarding. I've had police officers call me and email me saying there are sorry that they can't do anymore to protect me and that they believe me. For several years while was studying at university social services and my mental health team didn't believe me.

What kind of abuse does she give you if I'm not being too personal?

 

[Brokensaddle]

What kind of abuse does she give you if I'm not being too personal?

I get told the following

Go kill yourself, they tell me different ways I can end my life.

You're a burden

I never wanted you to be born

You're selfish and disrespectful

You're a disgusting vile creature and it's all your fault. Because uk has had huge problems with knife crime they tell me other people sons and brothers get stabbed why don't you go and stay out there and hopefully get stabbed and robbed. I already know their plan is to drive me to commit suicide and take my share of house and then when the neighbours ask what happened they going to play the victim card oh our son/brother died of suicide because he was mentally ill and mental health services let him down while we tried to save him. They are the ones who are making my life hell. During the lockdown I got my mum food and supplies with my own money as she told not to go out and she hasn't repaid me a single penny she tell me it's her right as my mother to abuse me and take my money. The verbal abuse goes on for hours at a time. I have recordings where my mum has told me my sister has stolen money from her bank account and just recently during lockdown she took more money out but she's doesn't get into trouble, she won't report her daughter. My sister abuse my mum verbally and treats like a slave by telling her to put washing out and cook and clean but they both gang up on me. They stopped from using the oven or anything in the house to heat food so I survived on eating crisps, then I was stopped from drinking water from the tap. When I was at university my sister stopped me from using the internet and took my phone that she give to me. I had wait 3 months to get internet for myself, she did so I would fail my course but thankfully I graduated with full honours. They abuse got so bad 2 years ago I locked myself in my bedroom for a whole year and would only come to shower or leave the house. They stopped me from using the toilet so I went and it did in my room and I had to sleep there while fly's kept coming in. They have put rat shit in my food, and they used to beat me where I bleed from the injuries. They have also made me homeless where I picked sleeping on the streets was safer then being at home. I couldn't hack being homeless and was forced to return home. Hey tell me go join my dead dad on the other side. Currently I get so scared to leave my bedroom that some nights I don't eat or drink anything because I don't wanna be near them. I've passed out and had to eat and drink, my quality of life is zero and I'm in living hell. The police have social services it's their job to look after protect me but they are too scared because my sister might sue them.

 

[Brokensaddle]

What kind of abuse does she give you if I'm not being too personal?

 

[kappa098]

I'd rather me be alone when I die guilt has been the main factor holding me back. If I have less relationships with people I care about, I think it would make cbt a lot easier in my opinion.

 

[Trayus]

Crippling lonelyness is the reason why i will die in the first place. Only fitting i guess :(

 

[Brokensaddle]

I get told the following

Go kill yourself, they tell me different ways I can end my life.

You're a burden

I never wanted you to be born

You're selfish and disrespectful

You're a disgusting vile creature and it's all your fault. Because uk has had huge problems with knife crime they tell me other people sons and brothers get stabbed why don't you go and stay out there and hopefully get stabbed and robbed. I already know their plan is to drive me to commit suicide and take my share of house and then when the neighbours ask what happened they going to play the victim card oh our son/brother died of suicide because he was mentally ill and mental health services let him down while we tried to save him. They are the ones who are making my life hell. During the lockdown I got my mum food and supplies with my own money as she told not to go out and she hasn't repaid me a single penny she tell me it's her right as my mother to abuse me and take my money. The verbal abuse goes on for hours at a time. I have recordings where my mum has told me my sister has stolen money from her bank account and just recently during lockdown she took more money out but she's doesn't get into trouble, she won't report her daughter. My sister abuse my mum verbally and treats like a slave by telling her to put washing out and cook and clean but they both gang up on me. They stopped from using the oven or anything in the house to heat food so I survived on eating crisps, then I was stopped from drinking water from the tap. When I was at university my sister stopped me from using the internet and took my phone that she give to me. I had wait 3 months to get internet for myself, she did so I would fail my course but thankfully I graduated with full honours. They abuse got so bad 2 years ago I locked myself in my bedroom for a whole year and would only come to shower or leave the house. They stopped me from using the toilet so I went and it did in my room and I had to sleep there while fly's kept coming in. They have put rat shit in my food, and they used to beat me where I bleed from the injuries. They have also made me homeless where I picked sleeping on the streets was safer then being at home. I couldn't hack being homeless and was forced to return home. Hey tell me go join my dead dad on the other side. Currently I get so scared to leave my bedroom that some nights I don't eat or drink anything because I don't wanna be near them. I've passed out and had to eat and drink, my quality of life is zero and I'm in living hell. The police have social services it's their job to look after protect me but they are too scared because my sister might sue them.

my mental health team know I'm defenceless and I'm too scared to call the police because they in the past have blamed me and the experience has hurt me to the point I avoid them. Still my mental health team refuses to come in and help me. They are just sitting back, I have been sectioned by the police and went to hospital and told them I'm planning on committing suicide yet they tossed me out and sent me back home. Heartless Bastards, they write anything down to fake as tho they helped me but in reality they have no absolutely nothing.

 

[TooConscious]

There's so much out there on the pain of loneliness mostly written by people who are far from lonely.
I personally think loneliness is not being able to consistently and rationally believe that others are feeling the same and worse. For example my interpretation of loneliness is not not having anyone around, but not being able to see others are experiencing the same.
Trouble is Ive had the ultimate loneliness since I was about 10, that I am all that exists in existence and everything is a dream. I spewed up once when it hit me.

 

[Infinite Conscious]

I guess a lot depends on the type of personality (introverted vs extroverted), but I believe most of us here are introverts.
Introverted people spend energy in company of others or in public places and, at the end of the day, need some time in solitude in order to refill their batteries.
Extroverted people fill their batteries by being with other people.

I have always felt better when alone, although this doesn't mean I don't enjoy the company of others.
But I have no problem whatsoever with the idea of being alone at the moment of departure from this world.
Born alone, die alone.
No problem.

 

[Lupgevif]

I'm fine with it. I prefer it this way. If I had a friend by my side I'd be concerned about scarring them, specially since every single friend of mine is a depressed suicidal ideator.

 

[yetme]

How do you all cope with that fact? How will you cope with the feelings of tension, fear, and also desperation you might feel and not being able to call a single person before you die? I imagine some of you are probably accepting or won't feel any sense of isolation. And in some ways, talking to someone before you do it can cause complications, as you also have to deal with their feelings about your decision. But I guess I just wanted to say goodbye to someone, as pathetic as it sounds. I wanted to matter to someone even if on a superficial level before I went.

I guess SS is now the last vestige of human contact I'll have before I go. I can be grateful for that. But it's still really sad. I don't know.

yeah that sucks. At first I thought thats the most miserable thing to die alone, but then when I got abandoned by friends and family members I realised that I'd rather be alone in the last moments on this planet then being surrounded by people who don't give a f#ck about you. f#ck em.

 

[k75]

That doesn't bother me at all. It's pretty much my goal.

If I was with someone, even if they were completely supportive and my favorite person in the whole world, I would be so on edge. I would not be able to relax. I'd be self-conscious and feel... I don't know. Pressured? Rushed and chaotic? I'd be worried and stressed about all sorts of stupid crap like how I was acting or looked or if I was taking too long or inconveniencing them somehow. And they'd be upset and worried, and I'd have to deal with that, too.

This is how I feel when I'm in the hospital and people insist on visiting me. And I feel like the worst person for it. Like, they care so much and love me enough to want to sacrifice their time and comfort just to keep me from being lonely, and I'm a horrible, stupid ingrate who would rather be by myself but can't say so.

It's not a nice feeling, so I'm making sure there will be none of that when I die. I'll say goodbye somehow, of course. But I will have enough to deal with and don't want my last time to be worse than it has to be.

 

[Xander_McG]

I think I'll be at peace being alone in my final moments. I've always felt alone in my life, even being surrounded by a loving family and wife. I've always been extremely introverted so am used to just being myself, so I am quite looking forward to just sitting in my car alone, thinking about everything that brought me to this point and how I will no longer be in pain. It's relaxful for me even just thinking about it

 

[MiepMoop]

Been alone most of my life, what's another minute or 2?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Being alone is the main reason I want to die anyway so that makes it easier.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I'm a lone soldier. The toughest battles and torment I've fought in my mind and emotions have been completely alone. I'm used to it - this will be nothing compared to what I've been through.

 

[WatermelonMel]

I am used to it and ok with it, being alone ensures nobody will interfere and increases the chances of success and finally being gone.