N
noname223
Archangel
- Aug 18, 2020
- 5,367
In Germany the exam season is different to the one in the US. I once read that maybe it not true. Usually there are exams only at the end of the semester. I am in that time of the year. And I just cannot stomach it anymore.
I would like to take addictive medication. But they fucked me up so fucking hard the last semester. In the holidays I had extreme withdrawal symptoms it was hell on earth. I don't know how I shall stomach all of that. I barely can sleep. I am becoming very very depressed. I eat shit. My hunger vanished some months ago and I lost weight. It is back now but this torment is very intense. All the other students don't seem to give a fuck about grades and just laugh when they fail an exam. I torture myself over a 2 plus which I received recently. I am so fucking disappointed about myself and hate myself for it. But I also know that I have to get over it pretty quickly. I have an extremely difficult exam soon. It is so so fucking much content that I have to memorize. I could cry, I could puke, I could kill myself. I just don't want to experience that anymore. Other people might procrastinate I would never do that. I suffer from extreme perfectionism. I despise myself and torture myself over mediocre grades. I could study without a break it is so much to learn by heart that it is impossible to reach a halfway decent grade. If it was possible for my health I would study 24/7 without breaks. But past experiences have shown me that might be counterproductive. Actually I am not that suicidal currently. The pressure of the exams is way too overwhelming. I have to focus myself on the exams. I don't have the resources to plan my suicide. Do I want to die? Hell yeah. I would be so so fucking grateful to die in my sleep. Honestly this would be the best thing that ever happened in my life. And I mean this serious.
I am scared to break. I am scared to become manic or to get a psychosis again. The mental pain is overwhelming. I once got the perfect grade as the sole student in a course with several houndred students and it does not mean much to me. I have the imposter syndrom and don't deserve any good grades anyway. I only study part-time I am a shallow fraud. The pain is very real. It hurt so so fucking bad. But nothing in comparison to the extreme psychosomatic pain I felt after my mental breakdowns. I am never happy. Never. Please let me die. I don't want to experience that anymore. The pressure is crushing me. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my new psychiatrist I have to tell my sad, pathetic and tragic story. That I never was in a relationship, that I am a loser, that I was abused as a child. But I certainly won't tell the truth about my suicidality. Two therapists gave me up in the past because of that. The atmosphere when I opened up about it became often hostile and the professionals were overburdened by my persisting suicidal thoughts.
I would like to take addictive medication. But they fucked me up so fucking hard the last semester. In the holidays I had extreme withdrawal symptoms it was hell on earth. I don't know how I shall stomach all of that. I barely can sleep. I am becoming very very depressed. I eat shit. My hunger vanished some months ago and I lost weight. It is back now but this torment is very intense. All the other students don't seem to give a fuck about grades and just laugh when they fail an exam. I torture myself over a 2 plus which I received recently. I am so fucking disappointed about myself and hate myself for it. But I also know that I have to get over it pretty quickly. I have an extremely difficult exam soon. It is so so fucking much content that I have to memorize. I could cry, I could puke, I could kill myself. I just don't want to experience that anymore. Other people might procrastinate I would never do that. I suffer from extreme perfectionism. I despise myself and torture myself over mediocre grades. I could study without a break it is so much to learn by heart that it is impossible to reach a halfway decent grade. If it was possible for my health I would study 24/7 without breaks. But past experiences have shown me that might be counterproductive. Actually I am not that suicidal currently. The pressure of the exams is way too overwhelming. I have to focus myself on the exams. I don't have the resources to plan my suicide. Do I want to die? Hell yeah. I would be so so fucking grateful to die in my sleep. Honestly this would be the best thing that ever happened in my life. And I mean this serious.
I am scared to break. I am scared to become manic or to get a psychosis again. The mental pain is overwhelming. I once got the perfect grade as the sole student in a course with several houndred students and it does not mean much to me. I have the imposter syndrom and don't deserve any good grades anyway. I only study part-time I am a shallow fraud. The pain is very real. It hurt so so fucking bad. But nothing in comparison to the extreme psychosomatic pain I felt after my mental breakdowns. I am never happy. Never. Please let me die. I don't want to experience that anymore. The pressure is crushing me. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my new psychiatrist I have to tell my sad, pathetic and tragic story. That I never was in a relationship, that I am a loser, that I was abused as a child. But I certainly won't tell the truth about my suicidality. Two therapists gave me up in the past because of that. The atmosphere when I opened up about it became often hostile and the professionals were overburdened by my persisting suicidal thoughts.