Researched suicide methods again. More precisely SN sources. It came out of nowhere. I didn't do this for quite a while.
Yesterday was a pretty good day with my college friend. Maybe I see him witth his career and that makes me envious. But I don't really think that. I wish I got my degree but even if I had a degree I certainly would not be content with my life. He considers me really smart and educated. I think he doesn't realize I am a grifter intellectually.
But all of this didn't contribute to my suicide method research actually.
I think the root for that was a conversation with my mom. My mom told she might be dead in 10 years. And I think this could be accurate. I think her lifestyle is pretty unhealthy.
My dad will move into an apartment for assisted living soon. A friend of me told me it feels surreal that his parents could die in the next years. I am pretty disconnected emotionally to the death of my grandma. And I am also pretty numb towards the suffering of my dad. I tried to support both of them and show them love. Especially my grandma who was in the process of dying. I didn't want to regret not showing her that I loved her. But honestly mentality I am preparing myself to kill myself when my parents are dead. I don't really see a good reason to move on with this amount of pain when they are gone. I think my whole family is in a real predicament. So much horrible shit happened to me. I am so emotional distant towards them. Honestly, when I hear stories about my family suffering I sort of think maybe we deserve to be in so much pain. My mom asks me whether I am burdened by the death of my grandma or the suffering of my dad. And honestly I was more furious and emotional because she threw away some of my medication. Maybe this is some way of coping or compensation. I am more angry lately something that is really uncommon for me. I think my mom thinks about her transience due to the fact her mother died. And I think about my transience because my mom has these thoughts. And with that I mean I think a lot about suicide. It is ridiculous I accept that my night guard destabilizes me this much because I have anxiety about my dental enamel. But honestly this will be a problem of the future. And I have doubts whether I have a future. On the other hand I am very risk averse and I try to play the game called life strategically. I try to prevent that I am with my back against the wall as long as I can. But I see structurally the walls are closing in in the long run. There are many good reasons for waiting till my mom is dead before killing myself. I could imagine that she develops dementia. I am not sure how long I would wait with killing myself in this scenario. My horror scenario is I try to kill myself and she gets another stroke. I couldn't stop blaming me. In some ways it feels like I cannot wait to kill myself and that I am only waiting until the time runs out. On the other hand I am also scared about the desperation I will be in. It won't be a good way of dying. I can remember that day in October 2024 that wasn't pretty. Though, I think I cannot run away forever. For now I try to distract myself a little bit...Interesting how such a comment of my mom can make me go down the suicide rabbit hole. But so much shit happened within the last months. I barely can imagine it was 8 months ago my former therapist wrote lies intentionally in my medical records. This had such a strong impact on my mental health that it feels like a new epoch. Though, rationally I try not go give her too much power about my well-being. But I am not good in that...
Yesterday was a pretty good day with my college friend. Maybe I see him witth his career and that makes me envious. But I don't really think that. I wish I got my degree but even if I had a degree I certainly would not be content with my life. He considers me really smart and educated. I think he doesn't realize I am a grifter intellectually.
But all of this didn't contribute to my suicide method research actually.
I think the root for that was a conversation with my mom. My mom told she might be dead in 10 years. And I think this could be accurate. I think her lifestyle is pretty unhealthy.
My dad will move into an apartment for assisted living soon. A friend of me told me it feels surreal that his parents could die in the next years. I am pretty disconnected emotionally to the death of my grandma. And I am also pretty numb towards the suffering of my dad. I tried to support both of them and show them love. Especially my grandma who was in the process of dying. I didn't want to regret not showing her that I loved her. But honestly mentality I am preparing myself to kill myself when my parents are dead. I don't really see a good reason to move on with this amount of pain when they are gone. I think my whole family is in a real predicament. So much horrible shit happened to me. I am so emotional distant towards them. Honestly, when I hear stories about my family suffering I sort of think maybe we deserve to be in so much pain. My mom asks me whether I am burdened by the death of my grandma or the suffering of my dad. And honestly I was more furious and emotional because she threw away some of my medication. Maybe this is some way of coping or compensation. I am more angry lately something that is really uncommon for me. I think my mom thinks about her transience due to the fact her mother died. And I think about my transience because my mom has these thoughts. And with that I mean I think a lot about suicide. It is ridiculous I accept that my night guard destabilizes me this much because I have anxiety about my dental enamel. But honestly this will be a problem of the future. And I have doubts whether I have a future. On the other hand I am very risk averse and I try to play the game called life strategically. I try to prevent that I am with my back against the wall as long as I can. But I see structurally the walls are closing in in the long run. There are many good reasons for waiting till my mom is dead before killing myself. I could imagine that she develops dementia. I am not sure how long I would wait with killing myself in this scenario. My horror scenario is I try to kill myself and she gets another stroke. I couldn't stop blaming me. In some ways it feels like I cannot wait to kill myself and that I am only waiting until the time runs out. On the other hand I am also scared about the desperation I will be in. It won't be a good way of dying. I can remember that day in October 2024 that wasn't pretty. Though, I think I cannot run away forever. For now I try to distract myself a little bit...Interesting how such a comment of my mom can make me go down the suicide rabbit hole. But so much shit happened within the last months. I barely can imagine it was 8 months ago my former therapist wrote lies intentionally in my medical records. This had such a strong impact on my mental health that it feels like a new epoch. Though, rationally I try not go give her too much power about my well-being. But I am not good in that...
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