So I am still very hurt by the fact my former therapist wrote lies in my medical records. And that the organizations behind her backed her. For me this felt like institutional betray. But I try to remind myself that I have made many positive exchanges in the mental health facilities I was in. I wonder whether this has something to do with the privileges I have as white man that is somewhat educated and that I know how to express my needs. I imagine if I couldn't speak my native language properly everything would so much harder (if they were in my position). And I would experience even more abuse. Bullies always to try target the weakest groups of the society. I am not able to work and knowing about that also reinforces the desire to kill myself. Because when you are poor you don't have access to a good defense attorney. And it is like abusers smell fresh blood when you are a vulnerable person and they try to take advantage of you.
I am not sure whether I will be able to post about privileges today. I think the abuse I experienced through my therapist and the institutions behind her was sort of traumatizing. It felt like extreme injustice. I think though someone who comes as refugee to Germany has it so much worse. There is a lot racism in our society. And in many instances the system is designed to prefer certain ethinicities where I live. And I think education really pays off. Even though people who come her as teenagers often have problems to learn the new language and there were cuts for integration classes by our government.
There was a woman that was responsible for making an assessment about my conditions whether I am eligble for a certain government program. I think it is more than obvious that I am ill enough and dependent enough for receiving help. She was very kind and empathetic. Eventually her feedback helped me. But honestly I could also imagine that it is like a gamble who you get as person to make such an assessment. I could imagine there are assholes out there who love to bully desperate people. When she met me I told her my story also that I visit suicide forums. And she was interested in that. She asked me: "Which kind of people do you meet on such suicide forums?". She sounded genuinely curious.
I think she sees a lot of people who are suffering. But I don't think you usually meet someone who admits he is very engaged on a suicide forum. From the pain level you could imagine that I am frequently on a suicide forum. But I think on the outside not that many people would expect that. In college I always feared people considered me a mental wreck for my social anxiety. But instead (I talked with some of them) they considered me to be a high performer with very high ambitions. I think this woman also had particular prejudice about people who visit such suicide forums. Maybe that's speculative on my part. I can remember I was sort of stunned about this question. I perceived it as a mix between empathy and genuine courisity. I wasn't sure what to respond I think I told her there is a large variety of members. She also asked me afterwards whether I am acute suicidal which I denied.
I am not sure what a good response would have been. I think she didn't expect a sophisticated response. But now I had more time to think about it. I think I resemble many people on here when it comes to my everyday problems. On some issues I have a better life and on some issues a worse life than the average member. Though, I don't think my behavior on here (mass poster) resembles the behavior of an average SaSu member. The most banal answer would have been people who suffer in an extreme way over a long time. On the other hand some people on here describe mostly boredom, emptiness and ennui. Or some people have simply philosophical convinction concerning suicide. The vast majority of us has serious health conditions. And serious real life issues and many of us lack resources in our life to deal with them. I think this woman also noticed my extreme desperation. She really had the power to ruin my life even more or to give me some hope. And she gave me some hope. You actually meet a lot of cool people on a suicide forum. Many of us developed empathy for fellow sufferers who are also hurt and experienced abuse. On the other hand the extreme desperation in some posts is really palpable. Because of that I refrain from reading many posts in suicide discussion or goodbye threads. For me they are quite overwhelming. Maybe one could sum it up: you meet a lot of interesting people who have been dealt a pretty awful hand in life and who are forced to deal with it. And in many cases they have not much support and have to help themselves eventually. Then you are observed by a lot of gawkers, authorities and probably people who are on here that get sexually aroused when people kill themselves. It is also sometimes a weird feeling when I remind myself of that fact. I think the impact of suicide forums on someone depends on a lot of factors. I think there are people that should probably refrain from spending too much time on here. For some it can be counterproductive to be on here. For me personally it is not that black or white though.
Tomorrow I am pretty on a hiatus I am invited to a birthday party. I hope I won't become paranoid again. I hope I sleep well so that It can prevent another crash out.
I am not sure whether I will be able to post about privileges today. I think the abuse I experienced through my therapist and the institutions behind her was sort of traumatizing. It felt like extreme injustice. I think though someone who comes as refugee to Germany has it so much worse. There is a lot racism in our society. And in many instances the system is designed to prefer certain ethinicities where I live. And I think education really pays off. Even though people who come her as teenagers often have problems to learn the new language and there were cuts for integration classes by our government.
There was a woman that was responsible for making an assessment about my conditions whether I am eligble for a certain government program. I think it is more than obvious that I am ill enough and dependent enough for receiving help. She was very kind and empathetic. Eventually her feedback helped me. But honestly I could also imagine that it is like a gamble who you get as person to make such an assessment. I could imagine there are assholes out there who love to bully desperate people. When she met me I told her my story also that I visit suicide forums. And she was interested in that. She asked me: "Which kind of people do you meet on such suicide forums?". She sounded genuinely curious.
I think she sees a lot of people who are suffering. But I don't think you usually meet someone who admits he is very engaged on a suicide forum. From the pain level you could imagine that I am frequently on a suicide forum. But I think on the outside not that many people would expect that. In college I always feared people considered me a mental wreck for my social anxiety. But instead (I talked with some of them) they considered me to be a high performer with very high ambitions. I think this woman also had particular prejudice about people who visit such suicide forums. Maybe that's speculative on my part. I can remember I was sort of stunned about this question. I perceived it as a mix between empathy and genuine courisity. I wasn't sure what to respond I think I told her there is a large variety of members. She also asked me afterwards whether I am acute suicidal which I denied.
I am not sure what a good response would have been. I think she didn't expect a sophisticated response. But now I had more time to think about it. I think I resemble many people on here when it comes to my everyday problems. On some issues I have a better life and on some issues a worse life than the average member. Though, I don't think my behavior on here (mass poster) resembles the behavior of an average SaSu member. The most banal answer would have been people who suffer in an extreme way over a long time. On the other hand some people on here describe mostly boredom, emptiness and ennui. Or some people have simply philosophical convinction concerning suicide. The vast majority of us has serious health conditions. And serious real life issues and many of us lack resources in our life to deal with them. I think this woman also noticed my extreme desperation. She really had the power to ruin my life even more or to give me some hope. And she gave me some hope. You actually meet a lot of cool people on a suicide forum. Many of us developed empathy for fellow sufferers who are also hurt and experienced abuse. On the other hand the extreme desperation in some posts is really palpable. Because of that I refrain from reading many posts in suicide discussion or goodbye threads. For me they are quite overwhelming. Maybe one could sum it up: you meet a lot of interesting people who have been dealt a pretty awful hand in life and who are forced to deal with it. And in many cases they have not much support and have to help themselves eventually. Then you are observed by a lot of gawkers, authorities and probably people who are on here that get sexually aroused when people kill themselves. It is also sometimes a weird feeling when I remind myself of that fact. I think the impact of suicide forums on someone depends on a lot of factors. I think there are people that should probably refrain from spending too much time on here. For some it can be counterproductive to be on here. For me personally it is not that black or white though.
Tomorrow I am pretty on a hiatus I am invited to a birthday party. I hope I won't become paranoid again. I hope I sleep well so that It can prevent another crash out.
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