Help How can one make friends as an adult?

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm trying to make friends and I've been doing so for more than a year now but no results. A couple of minutes ago I was rejected by a potential friend on the Bumble BFF app. Everyone I see on there is much, much different than me anyway but still, I feel sad.

How do you make friends as an adult? Late 20s/early 30s. I don't want a superficial relationship, I have work colleagues for that, I wanted something real, to be myself. I feel so lonely...

 

[JaJu]

As someone with no friends, I think I struggle with that because like you, I feel too different from them. I think a lot of it has to do with my lack of self-confidence, but I think there's also some concerns like maybe our values or beliefs are different, maybe I have a habit of doing something that might be annoying to them, maybe I'm not witty, funny, or in-the-know of all the trendy slangs/phrases enough to be an enjoyable company to them...
I think there's also a part of me that just wants to be left alone as well, so I feel hesitant to seek out a friend in case there ever comes a time when I just want my own space and need to temporarily close off any socializing, potentially leaving them alone or hanging.

But as this is still a topic of interest to me, I'll look forward to some advice and tips others contribute and hope you find that real supportive friend you can feel comfortable and happy being yourself around.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

I went through the same and found friends in what are (for me) unusual ways, so I think I can help, here are some tips/ways/ideas to make friends as an adult:

1. Dating apps: they aren't supposed to be used for friendships, but weirdly I made a bunch of friends through them. I don't know your gender and I admit it might only worked bc I'm a woman, but it's worth a try.
2. Waiting rooms: when your doctor keeps you waiting, don't only look at your phone, try to talk to someone. I made a friend like that, so it has my "proof seal" too.
3. Online communities: have you though about having long distance friends? I had them when I was a teenager and never thought I would come back to it, but now I have an amazing friendship with someone and I love it!!. I know it's not "ideal", you can't go to events/places together (or often) and talk face to face, but they can be a good companionship. Also, I would say you can dm me but I still can't receive messages :(
4. Old friends: Sometimes we lost touch with someone cause of distance or routine, but can be great to send them a message, see how they're doing and maybe schedule a date, you never know. Plus: if you guys were friends once, you already like each other. Social media is great for that! Post and react more to stories, iniciate a conversation based on their post, etc.
5. Other friends - get togethers: this mainly depends if you already have friends, of course. But if you do, invite them to events and tell them to bring one or two more friends, that way you'll get to know more people. Same goes to be present at any events they may throw.
6. Other "friends" - parties: a party can be an amazing place to make new friends, even if you don't know anyone and went by yourself. If you're extroverted, be yourself, enjoy the party, engage and talk to people, after a bit of time you'll be talking and exchange social media! If you're introverted, alcohol can help. But it's important to emphasize that I said "other friends" because you'll probably start to talk to one person and they'll introduce you to their friends.
7. Friendship apps: ok, you tried bumble, but there's a bunch of others apps. Remember that you won't be friends with everyone and some people won't like you as well as you won't like some other people, etc, but you shouldn't give up only because it didn't work out with one person. I was ghosted several times and still made friends.

Know that is common not to have many or any friends in our age, a lot of people are struggling with that and looking for friends too, so don't give up, your people are out there. Don't put too much expectation on it, just live your life and be open to the possibilities. Also, keep in mind it's not supposed to be hard, but to happen naturally, probably when you least expect it.

And I'm very shy and made friends in all of these situations (tips) mentioned, so you can do it too!!

Some other things I was told that are great to make friends but I never tried: courses in general (can be just for fun, like pottery), going out by yourself (they say people just approach you) and virtual groups from your city (can be found on social media or dating apps but I don't recommend).

Hope it helps, good luck <3

 

[Proteus]

If that doesn't work, look for communities of people with your same interests. It's much easier to keep a relationship going if there is a common thing you can use to push it.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I went through the same and found friends in what are (for me) unusual ways, so I think I can help, here are some tips/ways/ideas to make friends as an adult:

1. Dating apps: they aren't supposed to be used for friendships, but weirdly I made a bunch of friends through them. I don't know your gender and I admit it might only worked bc I'm a woman, but it's worth a try.
2. Waiting rooms: when your doctor keeps you waiting, don't only look at your phone, try to talk to someone. I made a friend like that, so it has my "proof seal" too.
3. Online communities: have you though about having long distance friends? I had them when I was a teenager and never thought I would come back to it, but now I have an amazing friendship with someone and I love it!!. I know it's not "ideal", you can't go to events/places together (or often) and talk face to face, but they can be a good companionship. Also, I would say you can dm me but I still can't receive messages :(
4. Old friends: Sometimes we lost touch with someone cause of distance or routine, but can be great to send them a message, see how they're doing and maybe schedule a date, you never know. Plus: if you guys were friends once, you already like each other. Social media is great for that! Post and react more to stories, iniciate a conversation based on their post, etc.
5. Other friends - get togethers: this mainly depends if you already have friends, of course. But if you do, invite them to events and tell them to bring one or two more friends, that way you'll get to know more people. Same goes to be present at any events they may throw.
6. Other "friends" - parties: a party can be an amazing place to make new friends, even if you don't know anyone and went by yourself. If you're extroverted, be yourself, enjoy the party, engage and talk to people, after a bit of time you'll be talking and exchange social media! If you're introverted, alcohol can help. But it's important to emphasize that I said "other friends" because you'll probably start to talk to one person and they'll introduce you to their friends.
7. Friendship apps: ok, you tried bumble, but there's a bunch of others apps. Remember that you won't be friends with everyone and some people won't like you as well as you won't like some other people, etc, but you shouldn't give up only because it didn't work out with one person. I was ghosted several times and still made friends.

Know that is common not to have many or any friends in our age, a lot of people are struggling with that and looking for friends too, so don't give up, your people are out there. Don't put too much expectation on it, just live your life and be open to the possibilities. Also, keep in mind it's not supposed to be hard, but to happen naturally, probably when you least expect it.

And I'm very shy and made friends in all of these situations (tips) mentioned, so you can do it too!!

Some other things I was told that are great to make friends but I never tried: courses in general (can be just for fun, like pottery), going out by yourself (they say people just approach you) and virtual groups from your city (can be found on social media or dating apps but I don't recommend).

Hope it helps, good luck <3

Thank you for all the options. I'm in a relationship so I don't feel comfortable going to dating apps. I live in a small town, doctors offices only have old people in the waiting rooms and that's it. I've been trying making online friends but the only place where that was able to start was in Sasu. I tried a few times to rekindle old friendships but the messages were read and never replied to. No other friends to get friends off of, I'm living abroad, it's just me and my boyfriend and he has no friends either. Is there any other friendship apps you would recommend? I have been trying this for more than a year, I've been ghosted several times before, I'm sad because I've been trying for so long for nothing.

View attachment 135115

If that doesn't work, look for communities of people with your same interests. It's much easier to keep a relationship going if there is a common thing you can use to push it.

where do you find these communities? I am part of two on Discord and it's impossible to make relationships. People just talk on the public chat and it's so many people that you can't get to know anyone. I don't know how people make friends there.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Thank you for all the options. I'm in a relationship so I don't feel comfortable going to dating apps. I live in a small town, doctors offices only have old people in the waiting rooms and that's it. I've been trying making online friends but the only place where that was able to start was in Sasu. I tried a few times to rekindle old friendships but the messages were read and never replied to. No other friends to get friends off of, I'm living abroad, it's just me and my boyfriend and he has no friends either. Is there any other friendship apps you would recommend? I have been trying this for more than a year, I've been ghosted several times before, I'm sad because I've been trying for so long for nothing.

where do you find these communities? I am part of two on Discord and it's impossible to make relationships. People just talk on the public chat and it's so many people that you can't get to know anyone. I don't know how people make friends there.

Happy to help!
About the dating apps: I understand, but know that you can create a profile and specify you're only looking for friends, a lot of people do that and it seems to work. Although it's unusual, there's more people on these apps than in friendship apps, so I believe its better odds. You can always select the gender and unmatch someone if they hit on you, plus you're on control and you trust yourself not to do anything "wrong" and that's enough

For friendship apps: I used Boo and liked it very much, they ask you to do a mbti test and suggests the better friendships based on that, it's cool, I loved the feature. At Playstore/Apple store you can find more, but that's the only one I remember.

Also, there is an initiative I heard about where you go out to dinner with strangers with common interests, I don't know if they have where you live cause it's a small town, but maybe you can find something similar. The idea is to go out with five other people and make friends. The platform is called Time left.

For online friends you can look at social media, I made a friend on TikTok for example. Comment on posts you like, answer other comments, etc, be spontaneous and have fun, maybe a new friend will come out of it.
Also, maybe there are people from your region looking for friends and they have a group. I strongly advice you to be cautious with these groups, but it's still a possibility.

Going out, like I said, is great to make friends too. Go to events/pubs/concerts with your boyfriend, enjoy the day and interact with people. After some talk you can ask for their Instagram, follow them and start to interact with their stories during some time, you'll probably engage in conversation and can suggest a place you've been wanting to get to know, invite them, enjoy the company and place and hopefully you'll have a new friend!

Last but not least: I'm sorry for that, trying for so long must be really frustrating, and living abroad, away from family and old friends, must be lonely, even if you have a boyfriend. But hey, don't give up! I'm sure you're a great person and will be an amazing friend to someone, just hang in there, the right people can be just around the corner and soon you'll get to meet each other! And when I'm able to send messages we'll be able to talk too, maybe we can become great friends. But keep going, if it's taking so long it's because it'll be wonderful!!

 

[Linda]

I'm trying to make friends and I've been doing so for more than a year now but no results. A couple of minutes ago I was rejected by a potential friend on the Bumble BFF app. Everyone I see on there is much, much different than me anyway but still, I feel sad.

How do you make friends as an adult? Late 20s/early 30s. I don't want a superficial relationship, I have work colleagues for that, I wanted something real, to be myself. I feel so lonely...

Th best way I know is to join a goup (or more than one group) that is about some interest that you share. These days I belong to a dance group. In the past, I belonged to several groups that went into the outdoors regularly. If you do that, you get to meet the same people regularly, which allows you to get to know them, and makes it possible to choose those you want as friends.

 

[Redleaf1992]

Lol it was probably me (jk). I been using bumble to try make new freinds but I forget to go on bumble for a few days and it removes all the chats.

You're right tho any potential matches always live so far, even if they have stuff in common.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

View attachment 135115

If that doesn't work, look for communities of people with your same interests. It's much easier to keep a relationship going if there is a common thing you can use to push it.

where do you find these communities? I am part of two on Discord and it's impossible to make relationships. People just talk on the public chat and it's so many people that you can't get to know anyone. I don't know how people make friends there. I also don't have social media, it ruined my mental health.

 

[Parnate]

I'm trying to make friends and I've been doing so for more than a year now but no results. A couple of minutes ago I was rejected by a potential friend on the Bumble BFF app. Everyone I see on there is much, much different than me anyway but still, I feel sad.

How do you make friends as an adult? Late 20s/early 30s. I don't want a superficial relationship, I have work colleagues for that, I wanted something real, to be myself. I feel so lonely...

Probably join a gym nearby your home? Or engage in groups specific to your interests. eg.Reading club incase you like ready

 

[latte art]

where do you find these communities? I am part of two on Discord and it's impossible to make relationships. People just talk on the public chat and it's so many people that you can't get to know anyone. I don't know how people make friends there. I also don't have social media, it ruined my mental health.

You can find IRL groups based around your interests through meetup.com, or you could join classes around your interests. Things like pottery, yoga, meditation, art, dancing, music or various sports are typically pretty easy to find locally through google / maps (where I live, anyway). Or, you could even go back and study a short course that meets in person if that's feasible.

 

[greebo6]

Its easy to make friends as a child but its more difficult as an adult. The older you get the harder it can be to make new ones.

 

[Proteus]

where do you find these communities? I am part of two on Discord and it's impossible to make relationships. People just talk on the public chat and it's so many people that you can't get to know anyone. I don't know how people make friends there. I also don't have social media, it ruined my mental health.

You said you a programmer, who works on the game industry, and surely you have pastimes out there. There are more places than Discord servers. Preferably something more slow-paced, or less flooded servers.

Smaller communities have more intimacy, which is lost in mega-servers. It's easier for people to care about you when there is fewer people, in huge servers people barely recognizes each other, and the individual feels less important imo. It may be a good idea to join either a more niche server or just a less known one.

 

[latte art]

You said you a programmer, who works on the game industry

There might be a local IGDA group that meets IRL.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I moved to a new place 4 years ago, didn't know a soul. ( During lockdowns!)
Met new people by looking in the local newspaper for things like neighbourhood gatherings like coffee or cleaning up together. I'm not a shy person so it might have been easier for me. I don't mind going to a pub or terrace on my own.
You could also maybe do a little bit of volunteer work in the place you live, join a ( sport) club ..

 

[Unicr0n]

I tried volunteer work for friendship. Made friends but all of them are old people. We can't hang out. Joining a bible study [I don't believe in Christian god] can help you make friends. I've got a bunch of bible friends who got your back if you need them. They helped me move, bought me a crap ton of ramen [god bless] and even drove me to a surgery. Just being with them helped me during COVID not to kill myself when I had no one else to be around.

College is the best place to make new friends. You don't have to pay for the course itself. You can look through the course catalog, reach out to the professor to ask what room they'll be having their class in, and just sit in there if it's a large class. How will they know LOL. You can also ask to audit the class! I asked if I could audit a philosophy class [not paying for it and not getting credit] and the professor of that class said yes.

Low level psychology and philosophy classes are recommended because they always have a bunch of students in there. Psychology is more recommended because they often force you to work together.

I met my close friend from being forced to work together in Chemistry. Went to her wedding, painted her baby's room, and our dogs play together.

 

[ResidentEvil]

I'm trying to make friends and I've been doing so for more than a year now but no results. A couple of minutes ago I was rejected by a potential friend on the Bumble BFF app. Everyone I see on there is much, much different than me anyway but still, I feel sad.

How do you make friends as an adult? Late 20s/early 30s. I don't want a superficial relationship, I have work colleagues for that, I wanted something real, to be myself. I feel so lonely...

I haven't solved the riddle yet.
It seems very difficult if you compare it to when you were a child.
For me at least, it just seems like we are getting more and more alone as we grow older.
The little family that is left, seems to be the only thing that is sticking.


So i can really relate to what you mean. Yet i don't have a solution to it.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I've made quite a few online "friends" but it's not the same as in-person. I only have one IRL friend who I see once a year so that's not great either. I've never had a relationship and I'm extremely lonely for the most part.

Even just one real friend or, even better, a partner would improve my life so much.

 

[biasedregret]

Two words:

Grad school.

 

[etherealgoddess]

I'm trying to make friends and I've been doing so for more than a year now but no results. A couple of minutes ago I was rejected by a potential friend on the Bumble BFF app. Everyone I see on there is much, much different than me anyway but still, I feel sad.

How do you make friends as an adult? Late 20s/early 30s. I don't want a superficial relationship, I have work colleagues for that, I wanted something real, to be myself. I feel so lonely...

I highly suggest making close relationships online because they're super low-risk. If someone doesn't like you, they might stop talking to you, which can be hurtful. If someone becomes distant in person, others may notice and start talking about it, causing more trouble. They could become close to other people after breaking away from you and start weird rumors and such. I find it a lot better to just keep superficial relationships in real life and have close friendships online. I think the only time you should try to really make a close relationship is if it's you trying to find a life partner.

Other than that, I think social media has made people extremely narcissistic and insecure. If you say literally anything good about yourself, people get so jealous. When you speak negatively about yourself, it can lead others to believe that they can easily replace you with someone who is in better mental health or less badly affected in some way. I have had horrible experiences with friends, so maybe I just have hardcore trust issues. Thank god for my fiancé or else I would have found the will to kill myself a long time ago.

You can experience a deep relationship without worrying about pushing the person away or the awkwardness of bumping into them if there is a friend breakup by doing it online. The main point is that if both people in a relationship have attachment issues, it might not work out, even though there is nothing wrong with being online often. It's just that if you have mental health issues and they have mental health issues, it could be really hard to maintain an actually good friendship because of traumas and such--this is more of a reminder of what to expect versus me saying you shouldn't befriend people chronically online people. Friendship is just really hard these days lol. When I know how to find good friends, I'll update you LOL

 

[mediocre]

I have an occupational therapist right now that is helping me get out to groups and meet new people.. maybe you could get one to? They could see what groups are available and what your interests are.

I think to make friends you really have to put in a lot of effort.. I've been alone basically all my life but it's mainly because I isolated myself and made no effort to change things..
it's only now (I'm 31) I realise I don't have anyone and I don't want to be old and alone!:(
So I'm trying to make an effort even though I feel horrible everyday and can barely get out of bed:/

 

[AnonymousL]

As someone with no friends, I think I struggle with that because like you, I feel too different from them. I think a lot of it has to do with my lack of self-confidence, but I think there's also some concerns like maybe our values or beliefs are different, maybe I have a habit of doing something that might be annoying to them, maybe I'm not witty, funny, or in-the-know of all the trendy slangs/phrases enough to be an enjoyable company to them...
I think there's also a part of me that just wants to be left alone as well, so I feel hesitant to seek out a friend in case there ever comes a time when I just want my own space and need to temporarily close off any socializing, potentially leaving them alone or hanging.

But as this is still a topic of interest to me, I'll look forward to some advice and tips others contribute and hope you find that real supportive friend you can feel comfortable and happy being yourself around.

You fully described me.

I guess it feels nice to not be alone with this feeling for me at least