No, I left and lived on my own when I was 18 cuz of past family trauma/being kicked out, and more. I was on my own for a bit until I couldn't afford it anymore which my grandparents offered to take me in (which I was thankful for and had hope to get my mindset a little turned into what I am currently thinking. Although it was good and I'm still glad I'm not on the streets, there is a lot I have to throw away because of how they are. It doesn't make things better, but it wasn't like where I was before which makes me always think if I'm overreacting when I feel bad about being treated in some ways by them. CTB has always been a comforting thing to go to when I was down, but with current situations it is very hard to go through with a reliable method.
They let my dad do the things he did to me because they told me how he would brag about it on the phone to them while he was drunk. They know about how I feel and constantly complain how emotionless I am, they know I self harm as well but they shame me for ruining my body. It is one thing I hate about myself, how a lot of people I have met care mostly about my looks/body. I've been with them for 7 months now but they constantly are on me for nothing. They have gotten physical towards me for not acting the way they want me to, or by simply not giving them a reaction at all. I seem to frustrate them a lot for no reason so they tend to compare me a lot to friends I have.
Thanks, although I do try to wait and reach goals it doesn't excite me to do so. Before moving here I flunked out of HS because I physically could not leave my room even if I wanted to. At first I really was happy for myself actually finishing, but now I don't know. I have a job as well, but it's the same thing. My boyfriend tries to give me a reason, but I have such a hard time having emotional attachment to people that I don't see a point changing my mind.
Thank you, I understand what you mean on postponing it. I gave myself some time to think about it, but with the mentality I have as of now... I don't think so.
Yeah, I've tried and fucked up how much food I can physically take in before I start puking it all out, and yes I think it is very hard having 0 privacy. I do not like being monitored 24/7, but it happens. I have read a lot on what the others told me and postponed it until I can actually either get things fixed, or find something lethal.
Thank you, I have thought about it. I can live life everyday without purpose... Like, not for anyone nor myself, but just because I'm here? I don't know how to phrase it. I can do that but I feel like a lot of things keep coming up to make myself feel either worse or just want out.
I am not allowed my house unless my grandparents know exactly where I go. I live right on the lake so I have many options of drowning, but not allowed to do so. I have rope since they know about my sex life, and they know I have razors. I want to do gas so badly because I know it's 100%. I'm afraid of partial suppression because I'm monitored constantly I don't want to live as a vegetable.
How easy it would be to make up a lie/story to your grandparents so you can get out of the house? Or if they do allow you out do they follow/accompany you?
It is not easy to lie, and yes especially with how things are at the moment that I have a boyfriend. If I'm alone they will follow.
Thank you so much, I read on other sites that it was very painful and sufferable. This does clear things up.
I get what you mean; are you trying to tell me that you are just existing because you are "existing," not that you are genuinely "living"?
That is very nice of you to say, I am trying to get help for my anger. It has gotten pretty bad where I am very physical with my bf, he's very understanding of it since I am the exact opposite when I'm myself. I feel very bad since for the most part I really do not remember doing those things he described I did. I have been apprehended by authorities a few times before when I lived with my father because of how he made me feel, and I would only tend to act on it when he was sober. I've been physically violent towards animals before, and mostly my own pets. I have been honest with my counselor/therapist about those actions, but I feel like they don't see it as a big deal (they just kind of avoid the topic or talking/help with those issues in the area). Which kind of makes me think that its ok for the most part.
Any type of violent act is not right, except when you defend yourself from violent acts; otherwise, even if you were in a purely verbal situation and you were in the right, it still didn't give you the right to be violent towards others. As a person who also suffered from anger issues, I can understand how it feels to not be able to control yourself when the emotions are high. Whenever I got angry, I mostly couldn't control my words, and because I was still aware of myself, I couldn't hurt others, so I started to hurt myself, like pulling my hair, slamming my head, or stifling myself, and I would cry. I also sometimes hurt my pets (like soft punch them or slap them, not like make them bleed or smth)
It means a lot that you wish the best for me, and I hope it goes a long way.Any type of violent act is not right, except when you defend yourself from violent acts; otherwise, even if you were in a purely verbal situation and you were in the right, it still didn't give you the right to be violent towards others. As a person who also suffered from anger issues, I can understand how it feels to not be able to control yourself when the emotions are high. Whenever I got angry, I mostly couldn't control my words, and because I was still aware of myself, I couldn't hurt others, so I started to hurt myself, like pulling my hair, slamming my head, or stifling myself, and I would cry. I also sometimes hurt my pets (like soft punch them or slap them, not like make them bleed or smth)
Recently, it has gotten better, and I mostly just raise my voice when I get angry without using any physical acts. I will try to stop myself, breathe, and try to think if it is worth it to be angry with that specific person or issue, or is it worth damaging my health over something that eventually will just bring me misery and nothing more? I didn't go to any help and usually try to calm down all on my own; if you want, you can try it sometimes by yourself; try to breathe, calm down, and tell yourself that you will be okay.
It works for me and I hope it will work for you too, wish you the best
