Venting How can I be suicidal?

[Spiny Lobster]

I have been going through a period of doubting/questioning my own mental health. I got drunk one night recently and I felt so uneasy with myself that I thought, "No one could possibly feel or think like this. I can't be 'depressed' when what I'm feeling is so unreal--even for me." I've even said to my therapist, "How can I be suicidal if I haven't 'suicided' yet?" Granted, this question was promptly met with, "You're still suicidal." But how can I be truely suicidal if I'm too scared to die?

These feelings are complicated by the fact that there's no reason for me to be this unwell. I have all the symptoms of mental illness (suicidal ideation, self-harm, mental fog, etc.), but I don't have an answer as to why. I've had a normal (if not somewhat privileged) ubringing, with nothing particularly traumatic occuring. And still, I've been having suicidal ideation since grade school, and for whatever reason, these thoughts prevented me from finishing college. Ever since, I've been screwed up. But why? What for if nothing caused it?

I coud be downplaying my own history. I don't know at this point. But I still feel foolish, thinking that all of my problems aren't real and are just in my head. I'm also at the point in therapy where I just want to quit. I want to quit medicine and talk-therapy and just give up on myself. I dread every talk-therapy appointment, plus I'm not in contact with my psychiatrists anymore. It doesn't make sense to continue receiving help if I'm not going to commit suicide anyway (since I'm a fat coward). Medicine and therapy is moot at this point.

So now I'm left wondering as I continue to dread future appointments and even taking my medicine (which I don't do regularly, oof)... How can anything or anyone help me if I don't even know why I'm messed up?

 

[StopPlease]

do you want to not be here?

 

[Spiny Lobster]

do you want to not be here?

I think it's unfortunate that I'm still around. I don't want to die, per se, but it'd be most ideal if I never existed to begin with. :)

 

[StopPlease]

I think it's unfortunate that I'm still around. I don't want to die, per se, but it'd be most ideal if I never existed to begin with. :)

why is that? ive felt the same. ""but it'd be most ideal if I never existed to begin with""

 

[signifying nothing]

I've been having suicidal ideation since grade school

When you think about suicide, what do you imagine exactly? What's the way you'd ideally see yourself dying?

 

[Spiny Lobster]

why is that? ive felt the same. ""but it'd be most ideal if I never existed to begin with""

I want to die, but I fear the act of dying. I wouldn't have to die if I didn't have to exist. You know what I mean? It'd be easier on me and everyone around me if I didn't exist.

When you think about suicide, what do you imagine exactly? What's the way you'd ideally see yourself dying?

An accident or illness would be best. That way, my family and friends won't have to live with the knowledge I'd killed myself. I have constant, invasive fantasies of me dying unexpectedly, be it collapsing at my work place or crashing my car. These thoughts terrify me, so I'm anxious almost constantly. I wish one of those things or something similar would happen to me already!

 

[signifying nothing]

I have constant, invasive fantasies of me dying unexpectedly, be it collapsing at my work place or crashing my car. These thoughts terrify me, so I'm anxious almost constantly. I wish one of those things or something similar would happen to me already!

So then are your thoughts about suicide a way to calm/counter your anxieties about dying unexpectedly maybe? Because suicide is something you can control and choose, whereas accidents and illnesses are big unknowns.

My other thought is - is there someone close, friend or family, who has died unexpectedly? If so, there could be unresolved stuff around that event that you've internalised and might be causing some of your troubles.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I have been going through a period of doubting/questioning my own mental health. I got drunk one night recently and I felt so uneasy with myself that I thought, "No one could possibly feel or think like this. I can't be 'depressed' when what I'm feeling is so unreal--even for me." I've even said to my therapist, "How can I be suicidal if I haven't 'suicided' yet?" Granted, this question was promptly met with, "You're still suicidal." But how can I be truely suicidal if I'm too scared to die?

These feelings are complicated by the fact that there's no reason for me to be this unwell. I have all the symptoms of mental illness (suicidal ideation, self-harm, mental fog, etc.), but I don't have an answer as to why. I've had a normal (if not somewhat privileged) ubringing, with nothing particularly traumatic occuring. And still, I've been having suicidal ideation since grade school, and for whatever reason, these thoughts prevented me from finishing college. Ever since, I've been screwed up. But why? What for if nothing caused it?

I coud be downplaying my own history. I don't know at this point. But I still feel foolish, thinking that all of my problems aren't real and are just in my head. I'm also at the point in therapy where I just want to quit. I want to quit medicine and talk-therapy and just give up on myself. I dread every talk-therapy appointment, plus I'm not in contact with my psychiatrists anymore. It doesn't make sense to continue receiving help if I'm not going to commit suicide anyway (since I'm a fat coward). Medicine and therapy is moot at this point.

So now I'm left wondering as I continue to dread future appointments and even taking my medicine (which I don't do regularly, oof)... How can anything or anyone help me if I don't even know why I'm messed up?

If therapy and medicine does nothing for you then maybe stop going? Also there doesn't always need to be a reason to be depressed sometimes its a chemical imbalance in the brain that makes you feel like that. One of my friends was extremely depressed and he said that there was no reason for him to be, eventually it got to the point where he was so depressed he couldn't function and his parents forced him to see a therapist and take pills and now he is quite happy. I myself had quite a good upbringing once I moved in with my grandparents (abusive/useless parents) and I find myself questioning suicide as well. Maybe if your medicines have done nothing its for the wrong thing?

 

[roguetrader]

I dont think a person's life has to be "bad" for one to be suicidal. And "bad" is relative anyway....