ForeverLonely82
Experienced
- Dec 22, 2021
- 210
I am alright tonight. I fapped and now drinking some beer and about to boot up some classic video games to play. This is how I cope and while not healthy it's better than nothing.
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Feeling relatively ok. Taken a bit of Clonazepam. Waiting for it to kick in. Dependent on when my dad and his wife get back I may do it on the 17th so that I can order alcohol on the Saturday night to drink on the Sunday. Otherwise I'm going to have to order vodka on the Saturday night when I actually want to drink all day the day before and not just at night. Plus I then can order loads of snacks.Ha.CLonazepam helps me not care.
I'm never going to reveal all my reasons for attempting to do this- I don't want to upset people. It's hard to keep it to myself but sometimes you have to in this life.
I'm never going to reveal all my reasons for attempting to do this- I don't want to upset people. It's hard to keep it to myself but sometimes you have to in this life.
I was feeling so hopeful yesterday that I stupidly made plans to hang out with someone today.
After reading about CO, I thought it was something I could do. I'm extremely cautious but super patient and figured I could expose myself to smaller amounts over a longer period of time.
I ordered stuff off Amazon to experiment (waste of money, going back), I staged my bathroom to exactly the way I wanted it when I die. Removed everything, dug out an old comforter to put on the floor, closed the vents, fussed over how to arrange the candles. Everything.
Performing that process made me feel lighter than I had in days. Telling myself I was going to be ok, that I was going to find a way out of here.
But late last night I started reading the big thread on CO and with each post, became sadder and sadder. I realized I needed a 5-digit display instead of the 3-digit one I ordered. I learned that CO is highly flammable and combustible (I'm scared shitless of blowing something up).
I remembered how tolerant I am when it comes to substances. I'm a relatively small person but I can drink a fifth of Vodka and barely teeter. The dentist has to give me twice the anesthesia of regular patients. Stuff like that.
Anyway, this made me wonder about my tolerance to CO so I watched videos of people who were exposed for long periods and lived. I don't want the side effects they mentioned and how long they last. Years, in some cases.
I didn't realize this was yet another method that could cause brain damage. It pisses me off how quickly our brains can be damaged, yet it won't quickly kill the body.
My little bubble of hope that I built up yesterday afternoon burst. I woke up at 7am and started drinking. Waited until a reasonable hour to call and cancel plans. That left me with a lump in my chest because something tells me this person won't be around for much longer (health related) and I need to see them before it's too late.
But I couldn't. Not today. Today will not be a good day.
After reading about CO, I thought it was something I could do. I'm extremely cautious but super patient and figured I could expose myself to smaller amounts over a longer period of time.
I ordered stuff off Amazon to experiment (waste of money, going back), I staged my bathroom to exactly the way I wanted it when I die. Removed everything, dug out an old comforter to put on the floor, closed the vents, fussed over how to arrange the candles. Everything.
Performing that process made me feel lighter than I had in days. Telling myself I was going to be ok, that I was going to find a way out of here.
But late last night I started reading the big thread on CO and with each post, became sadder and sadder. I realized I needed a 5-digit display instead of the 3-digit one I ordered. I learned that CO is highly flammable and combustible (I'm scared shitless of blowing something up).
I remembered how tolerant I am when it comes to substances. I'm a relatively small person but I can drink a fifth of Vodka and barely teeter. The dentist has to give me twice the anesthesia of regular patients. Stuff like that.
Anyway, this made me wonder about my tolerance to CO so I watched videos of people who were exposed for long periods and lived. I don't want the side effects they mentioned and how long they last. Years, in some cases.
I didn't realize this was yet another method that could cause brain damage. It pisses me off how quickly our brains can be damaged, yet it won't quickly kill the body.
My little bubble of hope that I built up yesterday afternoon burst. I woke up at 7am and started drinking. Waited until a reasonable hour to call and cancel plans. That left me with a lump in my chest because something tells me this person won't be around for much longer (health related) and I need to see them before it's too late.
But I couldn't. Not today. Today will not be a good day.
sleeps
being a thing
- Oct 12, 2022
- 69
feeling really paralyzed today. it just keeps getting worse
ready to go....
exhausted
- Feb 16, 2022
- 80
Today's feeling is..... content.
My final items arrived today and I've set my ctb date for next week. Knowing this life will soon be over has brought be peace, these last few days will be spent relaxing
My final items arrived today and I've set my ctb date for next week. Knowing this life will soon be over has brought be peace, these last few days will be spent relaxing
EnnuiCat
Completely Catawampus
- Nov 20, 2020
- 57
Feeling horribly depressed. Lost my cat to cancer yesterday. Ready to join him.
emgrl
Mage
- Aug 6, 2022
- 575
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Sending you healing thoughts, my friend. My heart breaks for you
EnnuiCat
Completely Catawampus
- Nov 20, 2020
- 57
Thank you.I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Sending you healing thoughts, my friend. My heart breaks for you
chaosandquiet
Member
- Sep 27, 2022
- 56
I feel tired - waiting for death is exhausting. Also have a sense of urgency for my bus to get here. Just ready to go, ya know?
Scared. And annoyed they brought no mixer for my alcohol yesterday. lol. x
Nirrend
The important is not how long you live ...
- Mar 12, 2022
- 400
Hi @Hope:-) !
How are you currently ?
I guess that SI is sometimes popping out of nowhere ?
I wish you peace and love, if you're sure of your choice, I hope that you'll find a way to be serene <3
Love <3
myfinalform
Member
- Oct 12, 2022
- 65
happy that time passed fast today, im in love with the night cause i know the day is over and one less day on this earth
LookingOverTheEdge
Hello Darkness my old friend
- Jul 13, 2020
- 355
Un-
I'm a failure. An absolute waste. A LOSEr.
- Apr 6, 2021
- 652
I'm feeling the worst I've felt in months.. I had a dream where I had a small glimpse of what a normal person would probably go through, and it reminded me how it's something completely unattainable for me.
That hurt so much. That hurt more than most things in my life.. Being told, by my own fucking brain, that no matter what I do, I'll always fall short of being average.
I want to cry. Nothings coming out though.. But the tears.. I feel them behind my eyeballs..
I don't think I'm strong enough for this recovery thing. It sounds so cliche, but the entire time, I've been getting progressively worse.. Avoiding everyone in my life.. Avoiding my life itself.
I'm not cut out for any of this.. Heh.. Even most people on this forum are somewhat.. Successful. They have something. They're smart or attractive or funny or something. SOMETHING. What do you have Matteo? What do you have?
That hurt so much. That hurt more than most things in my life.. Being told, by my own fucking brain, that no matter what I do, I'll always fall short of being average.
I want to cry. Nothings coming out though.. But the tears.. I feel them behind my eyeballs..
I don't think I'm strong enough for this recovery thing. It sounds so cliche, but the entire time, I've been getting progressively worse.. Avoiding everyone in my life.. Avoiding my life itself.
I'm not cut out for any of this.. Heh.. Even most people on this forum are somewhat.. Successful. They have something. They're smart or attractive or funny or something. SOMETHING. What do you have Matteo? What do you have?
