How are you today?

[Irrumi]

The andegony to the music is back again. I can't take my mind off the chronic pain.

I had such a vivid dream today I want to go back there again.

 

[Eternally Dottie]

Exasperated, overwhelmed and waiting until I can block it all out by getting drunk

 

[On Replay]

I miss J so much. No matter how he made me feel. In the moment it was frustrating, but I still loved him. I still wanted it to work, I wish I didn't mess up, I wish I would've just took it, how he was. Now he's gone, and I know he doesn't care about me or how I Am now. I don't blame him, I'm nothing. But still. I'm empty , I'm empty.

 

[outrider567]

How are you today? :-) I'm having a bit of a scaredy (a word??) day but I refuse to give into it. I think this is one of those things where you just have to decide to be strong. How are you guys?

Today? Doing quite poorly, since next month is almost here, October--looking at Fall Color on YouTube--We did 30 trips together(since we resided in Florida) to see Fall Colors in New England and Banner Elk North Carolina, a passion for us both for so many years

 

[Hope:-)]

I'm doing ok today :-)

 

[yourrealname]

i finally ordered sn this morning sooooo guess u could say im doing pretty swell today

 

[Niirvana]

I came to work high

 

[Hollowillow]

I tried to recover but social services threatened to take me to court if I call for help again, saying I have no reason. Physical pain, sexual abuse, assault, and etc ... 5+ suicide attempts .. unworthy if help... Did that right after a friend said i don't deserve her help. My social worker said she's a good friend (implying im the wrong one)

I want out. Bought 400$ of groceries, mostly junk I'm not supposed to eat.

Just took a bath, still contaminated with toxins, my body burns. I hope it will put me in a 48h coma again

 

[Eternally Dottie]

Howdy!
Work is going good and lots of sugary treats, so outstanding.

You are a strong and awesome soul and I send you lots of smiles, and bright blue sunny skies,

Have a wonderful day.

Walter

Glad you're doing well Walter

 

[toasterbath]

poop

 

[ManicPanic2018]

I just went through 10 years of photos to find the ones good enough to send to my family after I'm gone. I'm emotionally spent after that but I still have goodbye letters I need to write soon...

The excitement and general cheeriness about leaving at the weekend I had earlier in the week is starting to dissipate, and the guilt and sorrow is kicking in. Maybe I'm just tired because I was up till 11am making art and talking to people and running on 2 hours of sleep. Maybe reality is catching up to me. I wish someone could be here for me and tell me it's all going to be ok, but even if they did, they would only be lying to me. It can never be ok for me because I made an irreversible mistake. The only comfort that is coming for me is to finally die. I'm going to miss a whole lot of people. And they're going to miss me too. But the ticket is booked. It is this weekend or never.

I just want more time to make everything perfect for those I leave behind, but even if I had it, it would be an impossible task. I'm about to drop a fucking atomic bomb on my family and they will never be the same again. I've always considered myself a good person in life and tried my best to do good, but god damn.... I feel like I just want to break down in tears and never get back up. But what's the point. Keep moving forward. Keep to the plan and this will all be over soon.

 

[Blackroom_57]

Chronically fatigued as usual. Anhedonic. I'm so exhausted man.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

Today isn't great. Forcing myself to get the dishes and laundry done.
Realized how very alone I am awhile back and feel it more and more everyday. In 10 days time my kid will be off to the military. He's all I have left in the world. Idk what I'm going to do. I want to ctb but I have to wait for him to finish so I don't ruin it for him. 6-8 months. Idk if I can do it.

 

[Fktw0rld]

Walking the thin line between hurting myself or hurting those who have hurt me. Just trying to keep myself isolated and sidetracked until I'm tired enough to sleep so I can try again tomorrow. Nothing seems to work anymore. I guess my body has built a tolerance for everything that once helped me endure life.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

Man, did I have a spring in my step going into town today knowing it'll be the last time I have to go there. Knowing that from tomorrow night I'm never going to have to deal with any of these pricks ever again. I'm never going to get stared at by every single fucking person who walks past me :D Had my headphones on at full blast, listening to my final goodbye playlists that I've collaborated over the past few days. Oh and since money has no meaning to me any more I just got taxis everywhere. Fucking fantastic.

I was just in town running errands. I got paid yesterday and withdrew my final paycheck to give to my ex partner once I go. I still feeling awful that she got kicked out of the flat at the weekend and had to move back in with her parents after I fucking gaslit her about my plans for suicide. I'll make sure she gets the deposit back on the flat too which I paid for by myself when we moved in. I do wonder if having to remove a dead body will affect that deposit, but who the fuck knows.

I also got her a hormone prescription too. She's trans as well and she had been relying on me for HRT for the past 2 years. I don't like the idea of her having to go back to not having meds so I got a few months worth for her.

And then I had a fat joint in the park on my way home! My final todos checklist is starting to get smaller now, so I'm happy today :)

 

[makethepainstop]

Wanting to end this is pretty much what I feel at any given time. I just want this to end.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

The same shit

 

[Hollowillow]

Kiiiiiiiiil meeeeeeee
(Hugs could be nice too... before murder)

 

[Hope:-)]

Been reading everyone's responses. All in all I am doing ok :-)
I have 2 weeks before I hope to make a serious attempt. That's when I get a house to myself. I wish it didn't have to be this way but I don't want to go out moaning about life on life's terms. I woke up in serious terror but have been feeling better since then. Still scared but I'm tired of being cowardly. I don't want to have a 'freak''s life and since the medical ill practice began that is what I've had. I don't know whether the cognitive difficulties it's given me are permanent, but I struggle to remember how to even file my nails. It's not a way to live.

I am scared to die but I trust I won't be taken any further than I can go. I'm hoping my cognitive difficulties don't mean I mess the method up. I am going to put up a ridiculously detailed plan prior just to make sure I'm not making any silly errors. I'm choosing to spend the last couple of weeks I have left grateful for life, grateful for any interaction I have with another human being. I believe life continues and it's weird to think that one day this event and everything to do with it will be something I just don't think about any more. xXx

 

[emgrl]

So, I tested my m30s just now, and it's definite, there's fent in them… I don't really know how I feel to be honest…

 

[Hollowillow]

So, I tested my m30s just now, and it's definite, there's fent in them… I don't really know how I feel to be honest…

View attachment 99094

Did you want F? How did you get those? I don't know what it is at all...

Can a chemist explain what I did to poison my home and how to remove the constant acid fumes in my bath toilet & sinks? My skin is melting... Eyes... Guts... Or please help me die...

 

[emgrl]

Did you want F? How did you get those? I don't know what it is at all...

Can a chemist explain what I did to poison my home and how to remove the constant acid fumes in my bath toilet & sinks? My skin is melting... Eyes... Guts... Or please help me die...

Yes, I wanted F. The only thing is, I don't know what else is in them. Could be meth, who knows what else. That would defeat the purpose of F greatly.

I'm so sorry you're in such hell, I wish someone would listen to you and get the place properly cleaned out and for you to feel better.

 

[hopelessgirl]

Quite suicidal today. Layed in bed for four hours just dozing off dreaming about death.

 

[Shrike94]

not doing too good. feeling extreme loneliness and also condition deteriorated today

 

[Hope:-)]

Another day of doing ok. Got some tidying done so far which is good. This Clonazepam I have lasts ages. Have no idea how much I'll take before I attempt to ctb. I have meto so any nausea from too high a dose shouldn't make me vomit. Thinking of people who have passed, people who may well be passing soon and my family. Death puts everything into perspective

 

[ManicPanic2018]

It's 1pm. I've been awake all night writing my goodbye letters and just finished one of the hardest ones. I've been awake since 8am yesterday. Brain is starting to fall apart a bit. Still a few bits I need to finalise and set up before tonight. I think I need some sleep though, because it feels like I'm starting to slowly lose my mind.

 

[Hollowillow]

Yes, I wanted F. The only thing is, I don't know what else is in them. Could be meth, who knows what else. That would defeat the purpose of F greatly.

I'm so sorry you're in such hell, I wish someone would listen to you and get the place properly cleaned out and for you to feel better.

Why does meth defeats F?

Thank you it means a lot. Especially from you my friend. Thank you for your well wishes.

I had fun playing jackbox, a party game online with old friends. But they had houses, married, careers... I didn't belong... I'm a doomed corpse. An okd & new friend died by SN. I would have too if I had any. I cried a lot. My whole body burns from the chemical... Crying worsened the eye burns... Thank you for preying the universe. Sadly, after all the abuse... I have such phobia I can't listen to my phone messages. If someone offered help, I would not believe them. The way my friend invited me to a bullying party with her narc friend...

*Hugs you* I can feel your sincerity... I hope I can reply pm soon. I feel dread to lose a friend (again) if I do...

not doing too good. feeling extreme loneliness and also condition deteriorated today

Do you want to talk about it? I also want to ctb due to pain. So I'm curious

 

[emgrl]

Why does meth defeats F?

Thank you it means a lot. Especially from you my friend. Thank you for your well wishes.

I had fun playing jackbox, a party game online with old friends. But they had houses, married, careers... I didn't belong... I'm a doomed corpse. An okd & new friend died by SN. I would have too if I had any. I cried a lot. My whole body burns from the chemical... Crying worsened the eye burns... Thank you for preying the universe. Sadly, after all the abuse... I have such phobia I can't listen to my phone messages. If someone offered help, I would not believe them. The way my friend invited me to a bullying party with her narc friend...

*Hugs you* I can feel your sincerity... I hope I can reply pm soon. I feel dread to lose a friend (again) if I do...

Do you want to talk about it? I also want to ctb due to pain. So I'm curious

Well, meth is an upper, F is a downer… I wouldn't want them to cancel each other out.

Of course hun, I don't know why they're giving you such a hard time to just clean the place. I can't understand why they're making this so difficult for you. Sound like slum lords.

Take your time, you don't have to answer any PMs if you don't want to. You won't lose anyone because of that, and if you do, that's their issue, not yours ♡

 

[Hope:-)]

Btw. feel free to spam this thread with how you feel throughout the day. I have found it helpful checking in on this thread and I may post more than once a day as things can change throughout the day especially at such a time of limbo in my life xx

 

[Cerulea]

It's my ex's birthday. And that probably doesn't sound like a monumental event. But it's the first birthday in ten years I haven't spent with them and this was my best friend for two decades. This is was my world. We won't be spending this day together but I had taken the day off work in advance. I can't really be around anyone else. I feel like I have a big hole in my chest. I had planned to take myself to a few of our favorite places and celebrate the life and loss of this person. But it's cold and rainy and I think I'll lie in bed to cry and convulse alone. I just... I really have considered bumping up my exit to today. Dying on their birthday would destroy them so I'm pushing through the urge to leave. But I'm most certainly unwell today. I reckon I'll be in this space for a considerable amount of the day.