How are you REALLY doing right now?

[Garf125]

I have 2 states. Nothing and nothing again but with an odd sensation in my chest that only comes about in situations where I would otherwise be feeling negative emotions if I had the capacity to that is. Lost my entire ability to feel at the end of 2021. Since then it feels like I've suffered progressive brain damage and lost multiple parts of myself until my "self" or whats left of it lays tattered and barely coherent. Its to the point that I don't even feel numb because that's a feeling in itself. Like instead of having blood circulation cut off from my arm and it getting numb the arm itself is removed entirely. The difference is vast if you've experienced both.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Just in case anyone here would like to vent or share their point of view

Everyday I am worse then the day before it I suppose until the day that is my last. It's bizarre to be in the position I am in. A society who will all but excommunicate you from it. Force you to become a beggar essentially. Seen less than dirt, less than a pedophile, or anyone else. Just the absolute worst. While I am of course fallible I've never hurt anyone, never been convicted/charged of a crime, I am just broke after being in medical school and being the *victim* of crime(s)-fraud. All I wanted to do was be an oncologist and heal people's pain. For that and because I am white, Christian, straight, and male I've been made into a pariah, an outcast, whatever. Someone not worthy of anything. I assume because I have student loan debt I cannot get hired me for anything despite a degree/advanced education but demand I stay alive to pay back the debt I am not sure how.... If I want to die they want to pump me full of debilitating drugs that are the equivalent of snake oil. Most (antidepressants) resulting in pseudo chemical castration.... The doctor's and nurses don't give a shit I am not worth getting off their ass to help. Simply put I am an outcast but forced to stay alive for a society that only wants to abuse and mistreat me.... Nothing in it for me. I'm not worthy of help...

 

[Garf125]

Everyday I am worse then the day before it I suppose until the day that is my last. It's bizarre to be in the position I am in. A society who will all but excommunicate you from it. Force you to become a beggar essentially. Seen less than dirt, less than a pedophile, or anyone else. Just the absolute worst. While I am of course fallible I've never hurt anyone, never been convicted/charged of a crime, I am just broke after being in medical school and being the *victim* of crime(s)-fraud. All I wanted to do was be an oncologist and heal people's pain. For that and because I am white, Christian, straight, and male I've been made into a pariah, an outcast, whatever. Someone not worthy of anything. I assume because I have student loan debt I cannot get hired me for anything despite a degree/advanced education but demand I stay alive to pay back the debt I am not sure how.... If I want to die they want to pump me full of debilitating drugs that are the equivalent of snake oil. Most (antidepressants) resulting in pseudo chemical castration.... The doctor's and nurses don't give a shit I am not worth getting off their ass to help. Simply put I am an outcast but forced to stay alive for a society that only wants to abuse and mistreat me.... Nothing in it for me. I'm not worthy of help...

Oh how hard it must be to be born into the most privileged group of people. How sorry I feel for you truly.

 

[Boudika]

What is SN? I'm still unfamiliar with the terminology on this forum. Is it like Voldemort where a substitute is used since you're not allowed to talk about it? Substance which shall not be named.

We use short names. Sn is sodium nitrite, N is Nembutal and CTB is suicide. There is more, but after a few days of actively participating in discussions, you will probably learn how we use them.

 

[suicidegirl71]

Just want out of this cruel world, lost all hope and just want to go to sleep and never wake up, tortured existence

 

[With0ut]

i've been jumping a lot from being so madly in love with my so, to thinking she dosent want anything to do with me and is doing everything she can to hurt me, she's the only person keeping me here. I dropped all of my best friends and close people in life and only ever hang out with her (when she wants to) but i'm completely ok with it i love her so much. But the lows are getting bad and i don't know if i can hold on to her. and i can't tell her any of it because i don't want to manipulate her into not leaving me. so pretty shitty.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Oh how hard it must be to be born into the most privileged group of people. How sorry I feel for you truly.

Awesome let's have this conversation.... You say that but.... either you don't know what it means or you expect a magical fairy to come solve my issues.

1. I didn't take anything in my life for granted... I worked my ass off. Harder then you ever will. I worked jobs in high school, college, after college. I went to university then to medical school. I could've been a piece of shit or something and gone into business cared only about making money....
2. Instead I decided to help the world not the entirety of it but a very small part that I would've theoretically been capable of. I was president of the oncology research group. I spent large amounts of time working in oncology clinics. I wanted to take away others pain.
3. I was the victim of crimes. Crimes that people universally didn't say weren't crimes, didn't say nothing happened, or I am just outright wrong. It was I don't want to help you. Maybe they didn't like the cologne I was wearing, maybe they didn't like the fact I am nerdy, or maybe and most realistically they saw I was white and said fuck that guy like you are doing. Let him suffer.

A) If I am the "most privileged" explain why no one is willing to help. B) Tell me how you would've spent your life doing things better then me C) provide an alternate theory. I just go where the evidence leads me.

If being the "most privileged" means you can be essentially robbed of your entire life and made into what is tantamount to a indentured servant my God we need a civil war because you must be living an Auschwitizian type of existence.

 

[imsocold]

sick lying in bed all day.. I can't fully recover for almost a month now =(

 

[briarrose]

honestly? not awful. things have been rough the past few days and my emotions have been a rollercoaster, but at this exact moment as of seeing this thread, i'm… okay-ish. my fiancée and i made dinner and played with our cats and now we're just hanging out, probably going to watch a movie or two soon, so… it feels like a moment of peace in the storm that is life. i'll take the breather. they are few and far between sometimes, and i appreciate them.

 

[Garf125]

Awesome let's have this conversation.... You say that but.... either you don't know what it means or you expect a magical fairy to come solve my issues.

1. I didn't take anything in my life for granted... I worked my ass off. Harder then you ever will. I worked jobs in high school, college, after college. I went to university then to medical school. I could've been a piece of shit or something and gone into business cared only about making money....
2. Instead I decided to help the world not the entirety of it but a very small part that I would've theoretically been capable of. I was president of the oncology research group. I spent large amounts of time working in oncology clinics. I wanted to take away others pain.
3. I was the victim of crimes. Crimes that people universally didn't say weren't crimes, didn't say nothing happened, or I am just outright wrong. It was I don't want to help you. Maybe they didn't like the cologne I was wearing, maybe they didn't like the fact I am nerdy, or maybe and most realistically they saw I was white and said fuck that guy like you are doing. Let him suffer.

A) If I am the "most privileged" explain why no one is willing to help. B) Tell me how you would've spent your life doing things better then me C) provide an alternate theory. I just go where the evidence leads me.

If being the "most privileged" means you can be essentially robbed of your entire life and made into what is tantamount to a indentured servant my God we need a civil war because you must be living an Auschwitizian type of existence.

I'm not denying you suffered or you laboured to get to where you were what I am saying is that you had more opportunities to do so through being white and likely middle or upper class than someone of a different background would have. What I don't like is how you observe the shortcomings in whatever system that failed you and instead of identifying them you think "must be a multi level conspiracy to fuck me over because I'm white". I don't understand it. I can't give you any tips without more context on the scenario but since you're obviously very intelligent I think it would be best if you put your preconceived notions aside and assessed the situation in a way that allows for a way forward other than visiting a suicide forum. I don't want to see you kill yourself regardless of how we disagree especially since you have the capacity to really change people's lives through your work.

 

[Gonnerr]

All my cells wants to die. My SI blocking me.

You know that program inside our head put by whoever asshole who created this.

 

[mothercoin]

feeling pathetic and hopeless. i cant seem to keep a job or keep friends because of my bpd. i've tried all sorts of treatments and therapy and dbt. I think i just dont want to get better. i keep coming back here today to research methods and talk to people. i just dont care about anything anymore and i'm ready to die.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

Overwhelmed by silence and trapped in a nightmare. Struggling to keep a happy face on at work now. Everything fell apart and I'm sick of hearing how it will get better. I honestly don't see anything getting better because I don't matter. Nobody really cares and the isolation has destroyed me mentally.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I'm not denying you suffered or you laboured to get to where you were what I am saying is that you had more opportunities to do so through being white and likely middle or upper class than someone of a different background would have. What I don't like is how you observe the shortcomings in whatever system that failed you and instead of identifying them you think "must be a multi level conspiracy to fuck me over because I'm white". I don't understand it. I can't give you any tips without more context on the scenario but since you're obviously very intelligent I think it would be best if you put your preconceived notions aside and assessed the situation in a way that allows for a way forward other than visiting a suicide forum. I don't want to see you kill yourself regardless of how we disagree especially since you have the capacity to really change people's lives through your work.

There is very few opportunities that I had in my young adult/adult life that someone else didn't have. University nope. If you are middle/upper class it's less likely you'll receive financial aid.... The jobs I had? Maybe. High school? Maybe it was a minimum wage job though everyone there was white with an even split between male and female. The money didn't really go to me either... Just my parents or future college.... In college.... Was working for the university a job where it was drilled into you every single day that white people specifically men suck and basically if we could replace you with anyone else we would (see intersectionality) for room and board.... Working in the oncology clinic after as a medical scribe? Maybe I was contacted by a headhunter to get it initially. Whether my race or not was a factor I cannot say. Little more then minimum wage job for the experience so I could put it on my resume to get into medical school. Money went to living and medical school. In all the jobs I've ever worked I've literally never gotten to enjoy. Because it went to trying to create more opportunities for myself... I'm not even going to get into the demographics or education though white men are at the bottom of the barrel in terms of attractiveness.... After a lifetime of prejudice statistically in the classroom.... Also keep in mind 60% or so of collegiate degrees go to females. For equivalency for males you would have to go to the 1960s early before title IX to get an equivalent number... Medical school overseas I took the opportunity that I had earned (I had gotten into other schools as well).... Where I was bullied for being American. Where of course by the university I was the victim of crimes. Crimes you and society deemed I am not worthy of help. Because -> I had oh so many more opportunities then everyone else. Opportunities to what be saddled with 160k+ in debt? No future? No job prospects? Poverty? Because.... I wanted to help people.... It isn't a multi level conspiracy. I am just stating facts. I worked hard. I studied hard. I took advantage of what was available to me. For the record I've had little familial help and I have literally 0 now. It should be noted if I had decided to commit heinous crimes I could have gotten virtually the same education for *free* in my state in prison *and* guaranteed a job on release. Meaning I did everything right in life and tried to help people and yet I am outcasted from society. Yet a pedophile can get a free education and a job in my state. I doesn't sound to me like I had opportunities but rather I did what I could with my situation. Then it was taken from me. And I am being punished every which way for it.

I have identified the shortcomings but people don't care. Again evidentially I have to go with where the strongest evidence lies and that is I am being punished for the reasons I listed. My issue is there isn't a way forward. Literally not figuratively. I know because I tried. I have had everything taken from me. If I was not the things listed I would have swarms of people trying to help. Instead I have no one. Because a white male being homeless sleeping on the sidewalk no matter why isn't a concern to you or anyone else. People like you enjoy it. I know because instead gaslighting me about how great my life was you could be helping me. You are precisely why I am here.

 

[haibane]

Completely empty, as always

 

[situationalsui]

Utterly hopeless. Only wishing for death.

 

[ChiseHatori]

I really don't know. Mostly anxious, very moodswingy. I understand why people in my life thought I had BPD or Borderline (I'm just autistic with PTSD).

I keep having more of those moments where, randomly, even if I'm doing something I love, I feel a deep and overwhelming sense of great sadness. It could just be chemical in nature but it feels like something more. I wonder why that happens sometimes.

Edit: I've just looked into it, and I feel stupid right now. Of course it's another common anxiety symptom. Even still, there's something profound about that sad feeling.

 

[Freyja13]

Oof today I've just been in bed mostly recovering from yesterday. Kinda nervous about tmr and really should find something to eat but eh? Just mostly struggling to find motivation to move lol.

 

[[redacted]]

Today I'm doing better than most days for some reason. Not thinking too much about suicide.

 

[S like suicide]

I don't even know it anymore...maybe this is the peace before the death

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Oh how hard it must be to be born into the most privileged group of people. How sorry I feel for you truly.

Unnecessary and very rude.

 

[Phantomygg]

Doing horrible today tons of small bad things keep adding up, I'm mentally drained

 

[Ashe]

Right now I'm I hate and dread my existence. My body disgusts me. Everything feels so wrong and I hate that I can never do anything to feel better my own depression and self image to the point that I just want to ctb right now.

 

[olearius]

I dissociated and depersonalized during therapy while triggered, left the office, and went to a hardware store to buy everything I needed for night-night, and then came around in the middle of hiding the shit I bought, and then ate the tacos I apparently also bought while completely outside of myself?

It's not very live laugh love over here, let me tell you.

 

[dkdkdkdkkd]

i have no point on going, i don think i'm really depressed or feel bad. i want to cry sometimes, but i can't
other than that i feel very trapped and i want to have a way out nothing else because there is no reason to keep on going

 

[deadinside777]

Debating on should I take my SN tonight so I don't have to see tomorrow but at the same token my SI is kicking in. Feeling numb overall

 

[olearius]

i have no point on going, i don think i'm really depressed or feel bad. i want to cry sometimes, but i can't
other than that i feel very trapped and i want to have a way out nothing else because there is no reason to keep on going

I feel very trapped right now too.

 

[dkdkdkdkkd]

I feel very trapped right now too.

it just feels so dumb that people die all the time by the accident when they actually have some hope in life and here's people who want to go but just can't. it's ridiculous even

 

[Longwalk]

it just feels so dumb that people die all the time by the accident when they actually have some hope in life and here's people who want to go but just can't. it's ridiculous even

Yes I get that. I was having heart problems and was just hoping to have a heart attack and die. Because if I just die of heart problems people are just sad and say "oh thats to bad, she was still young" and that would be acceptable but now I am gonna take my own life and everyone will be so shocked and so upset and probably mad at me and will never think of me the same. It just so unacceptable.

 

[ddn.ctb]

Doing a 7 but being pushed higher