I have this urge to just end my life - I cannot take the pain and all the trauma related crap and now knowing that I have lost the support of the NHS clinical psychologist was working with me and not being able to afford private lin term therapy sessions, my days are numbered. However I have two people who I am responsible for and who I love dearly and I need to keep myself alive for them - there is also a rage that I need to fight back as I don't want them impacted by my passing. I suspect that I will end up ending my life as I cannot really stop myself from drowning when I don't know how to swim, I cannot pour a bucket of water to put out the fire that is taking over the building, cannot breathe when my lungs are collapsing - and somehow living every moment feels like exactly like this. Perhaps my death might bring some posiitive change to how the NHS supports the vulnerable - can be suicidal and still dream, I guess.