Venting Hope is the worst thing to be given

[umjammertranner]

My entire life story is one of being given just enough hope to keep living but never enough to be happy. Since a young age I've dealt with pressure to succeed, not from anyone but myself, but it's one that I cannot get rid of.

In my eyes, mediocrity is worse than death, both my parents live happy content lives in that mediocrity and the concept of succumbing to that, living a middle class 9-5 lifestyle makes me so miserable. So, I set out to make it big in whatever I wanted to do, I did game development for a while, went to university for it, made a few short games that people liked but soon lost my passion for it.

I then started a YouTube channel during one of the lowest points in my life while living with my parents, for about two years I was making videos constantly, trying my absolute hardest until my last ditch effort to make the video I've always wanted to, if this didn't work then I would quit and try something else. It worked, it got huge, I now have 30,000 subscribers, this is it. This is my chance.

Except it wasn't. I got awfully sick right after that video got big, and couldn't make videos for a few months while I was bedridden, by the time I was able to resume people stopped caring about my channel, and the algorithm did too, it didn't stop me, for another two years I tried my hardest to make my dream a reality, slowly but surely lowering my ideals from "making it big" to "it would be nice to just make a living off of something i enjoy because i don't have any other prospects in life". neither happened, in the last few months i have come to terms with the fact that i'm a failure, and i have always been one; forever doomed to taste success but never relish in it.

This story can be applied to every aspect of my life btw, my last relationship was perfect but I fucked it up because I was both a stupid 20-something and addicted to weed at the time, i could have looked quite good as a trans woman but waited too long to start HRT and even longer to quit smoking so now I'm stuck looking like the middest femboy on the planet, i have loads of "friends" that say they love me and appreciate me yet somehow im lonelier than all of them because i barely speak to any of them, the list goes on

I tried to ctb last month by ODing and ended up calling an ambulance before I could do permanent harm, and once again life dangled some hope in front of me by giving me a job I actually enjoy, except now after the first week working there I'm sick again. I don't think I'll be able to continue working there either due to the nature of the job along with COVID leaving me with an awful immune system.

Once I recover from this sickness and have enough money to buy some, I'm planning on procuring SN and ending this tortuous cycle of mediocrity and pain

 

[pickpocket]

i can only imagine your frustration and i hope you find a way to come to peace <3

 

[umjammertranner]

i can only imagine your frustration and i hope you find a way to come to peace <3

Thank you, I'm not looking for pity though, in fact that's one of the worst things I CAN be given, it infuriates me and gives me drive to keep living just to prove people wrong (even tho i never will).

the character trait i've despised in people above all else is being pathetic, and i hate that i see it in myself on a daily basis

 

[pickpocket]

Thank you, I'm not looking for pity though, in fact that's one of the worst things I CAN be given, it infuriates me and gives me drive to keep living just to prove people wrong (even tho i never will).

the character trait i've despised in people above all else is being pathetic, and i hate that i see it in myself on a daily basis

i don't pity you, i sympathise with you. but if pity will stop you from ctb then yes i pity you because it's glaringly obvious that you have been neglected of care throughout your life and nobody deserves that.

 

[orca87]

My entire life story is one of being given just enough hope to keep living but never enough to be happy. Since a young age I've dealt with pressure to succeed, not from anyone but myself, but it's one that I cannot get rid of.

In my eyes, mediocrity is worse than death, both my parents live happy content lives in that mediocrity and the concept of succumbing to that, living a middle class 9-5 lifestyle makes me so miserable. So, I set out to make it big in whatever I wanted to do, I did game development for a while, went to university for it, made a few short games that people liked but soon lost my passion for it.

I then started a YouTube channel during one of the lowest points in my life while living with my parents, for about two years I was making videos constantly, trying my absolute hardest until my last ditch effort to make the video I've always wanted to, if this didn't work then I would quit and try something else. It worked, it got huge, I now have 30,000 subscribers, this is it. This is my chance.

Except it wasn't. I got awfully sick right after that video got big, and couldn't make videos for a few months while I was bedridden, by the time I was able to resume people stopped caring about my channel, and the algorithm did too, it didn't stop me, for another two years I tried my hardest to make my dream a reality, slowly but surely lowering my ideals from "making it big" to "it would be nice to just make a living off of something i enjoy because i don't have any other prospects in life". neither happened, in the last few months i have come to terms with the fact that i'm a failure, and i have always been one; forever doomed to taste success but never relish in it.

This story can be applied to every aspect of my life btw, my last relationship was perfect but I fucked it up because I was both a stupid 20-something and addicted to weed at the time, i could have looked quite good as a trans woman but waited too long to start HRT and even longer to quit smoking so now I'm stuck looking like the middest femboy on the planet, i have loads of "friends" that say they love me and appreciate me yet somehow im lonelier than all of them because i barely speak to any of them, the list goes on

I tried to ctb last month by ODing and ended up calling an ambulance before I could do permanent harm, and once again life dangled some hope in front of me by giving me a job I actually enjoy, except now after the first week working there I'm sick again. I don't think I'll be able to continue working there either due to the nature of the job along with COVID leaving me with an awful immune system.

Once I recover from this sickness and have enough money to buy some, I'm planning on procuring SN and ending this tortuous cycle of mediocrity and pain

It all boils down to loneliness, doesn't it?

 

[umjammertranner]

It all boils down to loneliness, doesn't it?

Pretty much. the note i left last month before my ctb attempt was mainly about that. I think I do it to myself, but I've always been chronically lonely so ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

i don't pity you, i sympathise with you. but if pity will stop you from ctb then yes i pity you because it's glaringly obvious that you have been neglected of care throughout your life and nobody deserves that.

Trust me when I say it's only in the last few years have I been "neglected" so to speak. My parents cared for me a lot as a kid and I've been under psychiatric "care" for as long as I can remember. My friends at uni were very nice to me and I was cared for then too.

Even so it didn't stop me trying to ctb as a teen and young adult, i just have that great combination of crap luck and an even crappier attitude.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's true that any hope in this world just exists to be taken away and lead to more suffering, it's understandable just wishing to be permanently free from existing. I hope that you find what you are searching for, best wishes.