I honestly wish people were nicer. I've been forced to choose CTB because of authorities and professionals who were meant to help and support me only doing the bare minimum to 'tick off boxes' so others can't blame them later if things go wrong. None of these people actually cared about me as a person and my situation and none of them actually wanted the best for me. The one or two who did seem like they cared didn't have enough authority to make any changes.
In the end I'm trapped by stupid policies, higher ups who have the power to make exceptions to these policies and help me but won't because they couldn't care less about me or my family and the absolutely terrible situation I'm in. I want to live, heck I do, I would love to live and make something of myself. I want to spend time with the people I love and make a difference to the lives of those struggling, to be the person that I needed in my life. But living the way I am now would only cause myself and my family more pain. And all the power for things to not end up terribly isn't in my hands but in the hands of heartless higher ups. The world can be so lovely but it's also so cruel when you need it to not be. I hope my death helps, I can't live like this anymore. I hope it doesn't mess my family up too much, and I hope that if there's an afterlife it's peaceful and that God understands the immense pain, despair, hope and then crushing of that hope that it took for me to choose this.
I've spent so much time begging and crying to God to help me, I hope there's a good reason for why God doesn't help despite all the pain God knows it would cause. Is it because I'm not religious enough? Because I stopped believing in God due to all the pain and suffering I saw in the world? But there was a time when I was religious and things still went wrong then. Maybe I believed in the wrong religion, maybe I wasn't a good enough person, maybe I didn't pray in the right way.
I've tried to rectify my situation in so many ways, I've researched and researched, I've contacted organisations and professionals with knowledge, I've woken up with a racing heart and anxiety filled chest every day for so long from the stress of trying to sort everything out. I thought the more I researched I'd eventually find a sure answer to my problems, I was hoping God would help me that way. I was sure there was a plan for why I was going through all this, that God had a greater purpose for me and was testing me with trials to prepare me. I thought if I pushed on something would definitely appear, that the universe doesn't let down those who are resilient.
There's one last straw for me to try, it's so so unlikely but I'm desperately holding on to false hope again as I've done time and time again. I know that things are not going to go right with this last straw, multiple people have told me it's unlikely and I'm hoping for a miracle, but I guess I'm trying to find a reason to live a little longer and stay with my family a bit longer. I have just over a month left before I have to CTB, I know I should probably be isolating myself now, trying to cut contacts so that they'll miss me less when I'm gone, I've done it with most of my friends but I just can't do it with my family. I don't want them to think something was up in that last month, to realise that I was in immense pain and distress.
I want them to think I was happy so I'm trying to act like everything's okay.
I hate life so much, but I'm so glad to see that not everyone feels this way. I'm so happy that some people will live happily and actually enjoy their lives and live them out till their natural ends and never know what it feels like to have to end things even when you want to live. I hope that most people experience this kind of 'boring' life, where they have their families and friends, their insecurities and their happinesses, their frequent downs but also less obvious but long and persisting ups, because life isn't like movies.
Justice and good people in power is rare.
Those of you who choose to continue living, please do your best to be one of those few good people. Though someone in despair many just be another person in your busy lives, do your best to see them as another human being and if you have the power and authority to help them, please use it. I'm not saying to go out of your way if you don't have the means, but if you literally have the power and e.g. you signing a few forms and filling out some paperwork would change this person's life then don't choose to be difficult just for the sake of 'following policy' that everyone knows could be easily vetoed if you wanted it to.
I wish you all 'boring' lives, with peace and love, the two things I've come to believe are the most important. Even in moments when no one loved me, I've found that loving others got me through. I hope that you can always hope and that your hope gets you somewhere, for hope is usually an amazing thing that gets people through the darkest of times. I hope people are kind to you when you most need it and that you are kind to people. If once I die I join the universe, I hope my soul can be one that channels positive energy to all who suffer, one that helps you achieve what you want and need.
In the end I'm trapped by stupid policies, higher ups who have the power to make exceptions to these policies and help me but won't because they couldn't care less about me or my family and the absolutely terrible situation I'm in. I want to live, heck I do, I would love to live and make something of myself. I want to spend time with the people I love and make a difference to the lives of those struggling, to be the person that I needed in my life. But living the way I am now would only cause myself and my family more pain. And all the power for things to not end up terribly isn't in my hands but in the hands of heartless higher ups. The world can be so lovely but it's also so cruel when you need it to not be. I hope my death helps, I can't live like this anymore. I hope it doesn't mess my family up too much, and I hope that if there's an afterlife it's peaceful and that God understands the immense pain, despair, hope and then crushing of that hope that it took for me to choose this.
I've spent so much time begging and crying to God to help me, I hope there's a good reason for why God doesn't help despite all the pain God knows it would cause. Is it because I'm not religious enough? Because I stopped believing in God due to all the pain and suffering I saw in the world? But there was a time when I was religious and things still went wrong then. Maybe I believed in the wrong religion, maybe I wasn't a good enough person, maybe I didn't pray in the right way.
I've tried to rectify my situation in so many ways, I've researched and researched, I've contacted organisations and professionals with knowledge, I've woken up with a racing heart and anxiety filled chest every day for so long from the stress of trying to sort everything out. I thought the more I researched I'd eventually find a sure answer to my problems, I was hoping God would help me that way. I was sure there was a plan for why I was going through all this, that God had a greater purpose for me and was testing me with trials to prepare me. I thought if I pushed on something would definitely appear, that the universe doesn't let down those who are resilient.
There's one last straw for me to try, it's so so unlikely but I'm desperately holding on to false hope again as I've done time and time again. I know that things are not going to go right with this last straw, multiple people have told me it's unlikely and I'm hoping for a miracle, but I guess I'm trying to find a reason to live a little longer and stay with my family a bit longer. I have just over a month left before I have to CTB, I know I should probably be isolating myself now, trying to cut contacts so that they'll miss me less when I'm gone, I've done it with most of my friends but I just can't do it with my family. I don't want them to think something was up in that last month, to realise that I was in immense pain and distress.
I want them to think I was happy so I'm trying to act like everything's okay.
I hate life so much, but I'm so glad to see that not everyone feels this way. I'm so happy that some people will live happily and actually enjoy their lives and live them out till their natural ends and never know what it feels like to have to end things even when you want to live. I hope that most people experience this kind of 'boring' life, where they have their families and friends, their insecurities and their happinesses, their frequent downs but also less obvious but long and persisting ups, because life isn't like movies.
Justice and good people in power is rare.
Those of you who choose to continue living, please do your best to be one of those few good people. Though someone in despair many just be another person in your busy lives, do your best to see them as another human being and if you have the power and authority to help them, please use it. I'm not saying to go out of your way if you don't have the means, but if you literally have the power and e.g. you signing a few forms and filling out some paperwork would change this person's life then don't choose to be difficult just for the sake of 'following policy' that everyone knows could be easily vetoed if you wanted it to.
I wish you all 'boring' lives, with peace and love, the two things I've come to believe are the most important. Even in moments when no one loved me, I've found that loving others got me through. I hope that you can always hope and that your hope gets you somewhere, for hope is usually an amazing thing that gets people through the darkest of times. I hope people are kind to you when you most need it and that you are kind to people. If once I die I join the universe, I hope my soul can be one that channels positive energy to all who suffer, one that helps you achieve what you want and need.
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