Story Hi. This is me. Trying to not rush any decisions

[pettyqueen]

Hi. I'm new in this forum. I don't want to give too many info about myself because well, safety.

I have a very long history of mental health issues mostly steaming from trauma and neurodivergence: Asperger's, ADHD, eating disorder, OCD and complex PTSD are the main ones. Then I have some others than some docs have been diagnosing them as stuff in their own right and others (myself included) think ate more part of my main diagnosis. For example: dermatillomania, self harm and suicidal ideation and ironically, tanatophobia (my own death, not anyone else's).

I tried to CTB x3 about 20 years ago when I was much younger and I was doing a lot of drugs and alcohol. I also self harmed a lot back then. To be honest, I think my attempts were calls for help and not a genuine wish to CTB.

I have been doing ok for a while but I am having a LOT of problems at work at the moment. I am suspended for allegedly threatening a colleague. While I am awaiting the investigation and such, I am at home with full pay which it's not bad, considering. I also filed a bullying and discrimination case against my boss. It's a fucking mess. I am completely socially isolated. I have one friend who is in another country and no one at work will talk to me at all.

I adore my job and the fact that I have been suspended without any proof that I've done anything wrong and I, being kept away from what I love doing is driving me insane. I am also having horrendous anxiety, paranoia, flashback and dissociation.

It is the first time I genuinely want to CTB and I have come to this forum for support, because it is my hope that this feeling is temporary. I don't want to do anything in the spur of the moment, but if I am dismissed from my job, I think will choose to end all.

It is a very difficult feeling because even though I wish I could stop suffering and end it all, I am also terrified of my own dead…

But anyway. I only wanted to say hi. And introduce myself.

 

[bunnyeve]

hi pettyqueen, i can assure you that what you're feeling is temporaty. i know how hard it can be and i understand what you're going through but truly, it gets better. it once got those 20 years ago, and so it will this time. ypu have to be strong and overcome this point of your life, show the world how strong you are once again. you just have to wait a little longer, and surely you'll be back to doing what you love.

p.s fuck that colleague

 

[pettyqueen]

Thank you for your kind words

 

[purity]

hello pettyqueen! nice to meet you. you have gone through so much that you don't deserve, especially being accused right now.
also just another note i love your signature. I read that book and it's amazing. great author and his works are masterpieces. love kafka on the shore aswell.