whats been helping u stay alive

[crashinout]

this is goiing to sound insanely fucked up but,

drugs gives me an outlet. atleast im here ykwim. and i can recover one day. i am just in pain, i immerse myself in video games, i talk to people i like. so those are some good things. i like my niece, i think shes adorable. and i dont want her to see me suffer. i noticed i like my job and watch videos around it to educate myself and for fun.

i fucked up a lot of shit irl, ruined my reputation and potentially my career dropping out of uni. i have like, crazy amounts of hate from being openly unwell.

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

Video games keep me immersed in fictional worlds that I enjoy I may not be a huge Halo fan but I recently beat the Halo remake I enjoyed it for what it was trying to accomplish I guess, then I eventually bought the Halo the MCC on steam and that was fun beat Halo Reach, Halo 2 Anniversary, Halo 3, now I'm on Halo 3 ODST and eventually I'll play Halo 4. I had my fill of trying drugs mostly alcohol then quit my drug habit for myself and family reasons so that is good.

I have a lot of free time since living on SSDI can't complain. Enjoying the simple things can help me stay alive. My mental state is stable taking only one medication which is abilify which helps me think clearly helps with the anxiety and depression, but sometimes I still have the desire to die just so I don't have to live anymore but I don't have any real plans on suicide attempts anymore.

Pretty much I find distractions from my personal problems helps me stay alive plus family and friends. I don't suffer from any physical pain except my left knee problems my left leg sometimes locks up in the bent or at weird angles so walking might be difficult when it does lock up, but aside from physical stuff my mental state seems to be stable enough to want me to keep on living.

 

[pulse1]

Having a cat that is under my sole responsibility and care. She's the sweetest cat ever with a rough history, so I feel like me also "abandoning" her and hurting her that way feels like something unthinkable. Sometimes it makes me feel a bit suffocated to know that I can't just randomly stop living since I took her in, but in the end she has gotten me through countless nights just because I did not want to imagine her going back to the animal shelter if something were to happen to me.

I hope things will turn out okay for you <3

 

[Mr.Ruben]

these games I played recently, and my cat.

 

[maggineko]

this is goiing to sound insanely fucked up but,

drugs gives me an outlet. atleast im here ykwim. and i can recover one day. i am just in pain, i immerse myself in video games, i talk to people i like. so those are some good things. i like my niece, i think shes adorable. and i dont want her to see me suffer. i noticed i like my job and watch videos around it to educate myself and for fun.

i fucked up a lot of shit irl, ruined my reputation and potentially my career dropping out of uni. i have like, crazy amounts of hate from being openly unwell.

No joke...It's FOMO. FOMO's the only reason I haven't ended it, and I've gotten so used to being alive cus of FOMO that I got out of being actively suicidal (though it does kick in sometimes in bad days.) I was somewhat sheltered when I was younger, so I'm still mentally a kid wanting to experience teenage rebelliousness like getting drunk, going to parties, going to rock shows, having a boyfriend. Stuff like that.

Also, chance of failure is keeping me away from attempting. Life's already hard, so I'm not interested in making it harder if my attempt/s to ctb fail and are legally investigated and/or I come out of it with serious injuries. In my country, you get penalised by fine or jail time if you fail to ctb, which is ironic.

Hope things ease up for you. You're incredibly strong!

 

[no mas]

Interesting. If you don't mind my asking, what country are you located in that intentionally adds insult to injury?

 

[Mr.Ruben]

No joke...It's FOMO. FOMO's the only reason I haven't ended it, and I've gotten so used to being alive cus of FOMO that I got out of being actively suicidal (though it does kick in sometimes in bad days.) I was somewhat sheltered when I was younger, so I'm still mentally a kid wanting to experience teenage rebelliousness like getting drunk, going to parties, going to rock shows, having a boyfriend. Stuff like that.

Also, chance of failure is keeping me away from attempting. Life's already hard, so I'm not interested in making it harder if my attempt/s to ctb fail and are legally investigated and/or I come out of it with serious injuries. In my country, you get penalised by fine or jail time if you fail to ctb, which is ironic.

Hope things ease up for you. You're incredibly strong!

(unrelated)I don't know why, perhaps the pfp which is really funny, makes me imagine you reading this with the voice of Captain Haddock from Tintin.

(related) it does make someone not want to ctb by having missed something incredible, either good or bad, might as well buy cool stuff and wait for my next favourite movie, or hide in a bunker with the people that put aluminium on their head and see what happens in 15 years

 

[pony No.2]

Eating, thrill of doing risky things, for the sake of self destruction, pleasure, engaging in my favorite media, and the naive hope that things will get better. Even those things aren't enough anymore.

 

[maggineko]

(unrelated)I don't know why, perhaps the pfp which is really funny, makes me imagine you reading this with the voice of Captain Haddock from Tintin.

(related) it does make someone not want to ctb by having missed something incredible, either good or bad, might as well buy cool stuff and wait for my next favourite movie, or hide in a bunker with the people that put aluminium on their head and see what happens in 15 years

Hey, I'm glad the pfp amused you, hehe! Thought I should pick something amusing for such a heavy website.

You know, hiding in a bunker with a couple other people for 15 years never really occurred to me outside of ideas for my next TheSims save file. I'd probably be bickering or talking everyone's ears off! Anyway, it's kind of like "I'll die of old age or some other causes anyway. Might as well see if it really gets better. I don't lose anything if it doesn't."

 

[trying ungracefully]

My family and boyfriend. My relationship with my family is amazing and my parents support me in anyway they can. I found out they have been paying $45 a week for group therapy on top of the $20 individual therapy and my mom also buys my vapes which are $15 a week. Emotionally they do anything they can too even if I don't like opening up much.

My mom has been there through emotional ups and downs with me and didn't hold my manic episode against me when some things were targeted at her. She just let our relationship move on in a good way which was nice. My dad is emotionally stunted but he is there to listen when I need it even if I don't get the best responses.

My relationship with my boyfriend sucks sometimes as some people may have seen me post but there is a lot of amazing moments that make me want to continue having more. I love how we can have fun but also just relax together on our phones not needing that constant interaction. There is a lot of love and I can spend time just cuddling him and feel like time is passing in the best way possible

He does the most he can for me too. Just yesterday he was telling me how there is food at home, beans and chicken. I told him I haven't eaten all day but I'll maybe eat beans, I just wasn't hungry. He looked at his bank account and saw that he had $20 or so and went to McDonalds to get me a dirty Dr Pepper and burger because I can always eat a burger. It was the last of his money and I had the option to eat something but he went out of his way to make sure I for sure ate which was nice.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Exercise, nature, you tube videos and also the clown world we live. Whilst I cannot stand humanity, the gross incompetence and pathetic nature of many people can give me a chuckle (even though it gets me down too).

 

[crabclaw]

my family, friends, partner, playing video games, having disappointing sex, the idea of having my dream job and cats in the future.

 

[NickyKymJelly]

My special interests. I don't wanna leave without knowing every single thing possible about said interest.

 

[homunculi]

my dog and some projects i'm working on. maybe they'll never really go anywhere but it's fun to research and plan. i also want to go to grad school, so that as well.

 

[zhaim]

this is goiing to sound insanely fucked up but,

drugs gives me an outlet. atleast im here ykwim. and i can recover one day. i am just in pain, i immerse myself in video games, i talk to people i like. so those are some good things. i like my niece, i think shes adorable. and i dont want her to see me suffer. i noticed i like my job and watch videos around it to educate myself and for fun.

i fucked up a lot of shit irl, ruined my reputation and potentially my career dropping out of uni. i have like, crazy amounts of hate from being openly unwell.

tbh i don't think ive suffered enough to wanna die yet. i feel i must live on while carrying this burden for hurting the people i love, especially this one girl. and i want to change for the better and probably put some good into the world even though she will probably never want anything to do with me again either way. maybe once i feel that ive redeemed myself, if thats even possible, i could end it, but to me, ending it all right now would just make me a coward for trying to run away from the consequences of my actions. also, it's stupid, but there's a part of me that just can't help missing that girl, hoping for an impossible ending where she forgives me and comes back into my life.

 

[Insufficent]

I need to sort my finance to the point where other people dont have to figure shit out.
Bth i dont really have things to live for. I dont like the job i have and there is nothing interesting enogh to study to for a new carreer or change of career path.
I dont think i can even live long and healthy enough to enjoy retirement nor keep this job that long.
If i quit or get fired i dont think i have a chanse to get a job on my field i studied 7 years. This company got i think 250 job applications last summer and 0 got in.
Solocareer in this field is impossible and a financial suicide. I prefer the real deal.

 

[orpheus_]

No joke...It's FOMO. FOMO's the only reason I haven't ended it

This used to be me for most of my life, I always thought that killing myself would take away all my chances to experience things... Honestly one of two main reasons why I haven't proceeded with my plan for so long even when I thought I was pretty much decided.
Recently it's been changing, I feel like I care less and the fact that I will miss out doesn't make me as sad as it used to (is this what turning 21 does to mf???)
It is honestly better because I don't compare myself to other people all the time or don't cry over things that I missed, but it definitely makes me less willing to stay on this earth too.

The second main reason is people around me, I don't want to hurt anyone and I know that it would be painful to my parents. I also have some people in my life which really need my help and if I disappeared, things would get a lot harder for them, maybe even unbearable.

Currently I'm mostly alive because things in my life are objectively a bit better than they used to and I'm not in so much pain just from living. And because I don't want to hurt anyone.