Venting hatred

[miekorevvv]

the amount of hatred towards myself and to anyone i knew from the past who witnessed my downfall i have is crazy and i genuinely am starting to feel like if i kill myself ill have my revnge against myself the world and everyone even tho obviously not everyone wronged me but at the same time i feel some sort of revenge/resentment towards me growing even all of my fantasies or daydreams have all become centered about me creating a god or becoming one having some sort of boss fight and then get killed like i always want to end up losing and getting killed my self hatred has reached those levels like anything i fanatize about positevely or negatively has to deal with my death in some sort of way sooner or later like even rn i cant stand the fact i am myself and i actually breathe eat/drink etc or anything add with this and this has become a complete new habit of mine i just cannot standing talking or being in the same place with someone who is happy in their life(or acts like) or anyone who succeeded anything in their life i just feel disgust and sort of hatred when i see others succeed and im surprised cuz this is compltely new of mine and i never had similar thoughts before cuz i just didnt care at all but now i feel hatred and its even towards my origins/location/people/past literally everything in my life and i genuinely never had these thoughts before all of these are brand new of this year and it surprises me how much a singular year fucked me up

 

[sherlock]

may I ask what happened this year that mad you feel this way? Also Im sorry that you're suffering this much.

 

[miekorevvv]

may I ask what happened this year that mad you feel this way? Also Im sorry that you're suffering this much.

thing is im not mad im that cold blooded its killing me and its wat ruined me the most imo after all my lack of reactions and emotions made people quite literally do bad shit to me without reacting (basically due to extreme greed my dad decided to ruin my future after promising me for the last 7 years i am from a 3rd world country and i wanted to study abroad and he has the means for it and i indeed got mad but not enough and i didnt get rebelious at all which just made me get forced again to study in somwhere i dont want to ) without also mentioning the fact all of my peers succeed with much better results whie i didnt get that good due to extreme depression and the "allegedly death of a friend of mine" without mentioning the very toxic household i live in with constant insults in order to "toughen me up" i got too depressed and didnt get very good score so my self esteem died and i started resenting myself a lot due ti now being it 5th year being study somewhere forcefully where i am not happy and where i ended up not succeeding well then failing due to very poor conditions of the dorm i was in while all my pears either post their success or them having fun and im getting punished and insulted i feel an extreme resentment towards myself where i feel like a big loser this is coupled with the fact i am too coward to cbt because ive been craving this for a while (4 years) and i always plan then give up or keep imagining myself dying in an accident over and over again

 

[sherlock]

I feel you @miekorevvv. I think it's never too late to be successful at what you like, and never compare to other people. I am pretty sure you're as good as them at many aspects.

I wish things settle down for the good for you.