has anyone here ruined their life

[crashinout]

just want someone to talk to,

im still young but i ruined my career atleast. i have some savings left. i ruined my reputation with my mental illness. lost almost everyone got into drugs. ive been told to kill myself, had people walk out on me. a lot of hate. no family, some friends. kinda want to end it but i know theres still people who care about me.

i think my grandma, who is 87 is going to outlive me. im 23. i dont have a lot of people left, i am kinda an utter failure. students at my uni around me know im ill and that i really fucked up big time, badly. i used to get abused, both phys and emotional. the emotional is the one that fucked me up big time and i felt very "subhuman" in high school. if i do, do something, i want the people around me to know i really apologize, my mind is just eating itself inwards.

 

[greatfalls]

damn I'm sorry to hear that. I'm kinda in the same boat, yeah. I've probably forever destroyed my most important relationship, I feel psychologically addicted to all the fucked up drugs I've done, and I'm a failure in all metrics of society (NEET + trans but struggling so hard to come out). I'm 50/50 on wanting to die or giving it one final shot. Wby?

 

[wastedenergy]

I hear you. I'm in the same boat under different circumstances. I want to die too but know I have people who care about me. It sucks.

 

[Agon321]

I'm 23 years old and I've already ruined my life. I'm literally going nowhere. I haven't developed at all. Overall, it's a disaster, and every choice seems wrong.

 

[crashinout]

damn I'm sorry to hear that. I'm kinda in the same boat, yeah. I've probably forever destroyed my most important relationship, I feel psychologically addicted to all the fucked up drugs I've done, and I'm a failure in all metrics of society (NEET + trans but struggling so hard to come out). I'm 50/50 on wanting to die or giving it one final shot. Wby?

im kinda a neet right now, im in the same boat. i havent came out as a les either to a lot of people, its just implied (lmao)


theres a lot of people that know what im strugglin with. so open with the ideation, and ive been rejected because of it. but its strangely fine and peaceful

I'm 23 years old and I've already ruined my life. I'm literally going nowhere. I haven't developed at all. Overall, it's a disaster, and every choice seems wrong.

im the same age, dropped out of uni. could barely pass courses so it felt pointless to stay. so i havent done much. i just want things to end here, but im afraid to do it
idk why im strange about things but i feel like building a peaceful "end of life" minecraft world. whatever that means lmao. just a memorial for fun things and shit. i fucked up big time and it gives me "peace"

 

[ketaminelover]

You

just want someone to talk to,

im still young but i ruined my career atleast. i have some savings left. i ruined my reputation with my mental illness. lost almost everyone got into drugs. ive been told to kill myself, had people walk out on me. a lot of hate. no family, some friends. kinda want to end it but i know theres still people who care about me.

i think my grandma, who is 87 is going to outlive me. im 23. i dont have a lot of people left, i am kinda an utter failure. students at my uni around me know im ill and that i really fucked up big time, badly. i used to get abused, both phys and emotional. the emotional is the one that fucked me up big time and i felt very "subhuman" in high school. if i do, do something, i want the people around me to know i really apologize, my mind is just eating itself inwards.

You're not alone, this is way too common sadly.

 

[lastappleonearth]

just want someone to talk to,

im still young but i ruined my career atleast. i have some savings left. i ruined my reputation with my mental illness. lost almost everyone got into drugs. ive been told to kill myself, had people walk out on me. a lot of hate. no family, some friends. kinda want to end it but i know theres still people who care about me.

i think my grandma, who is 87 is going to outlive me. im 23. i dont have a lot of people left, i am kinda an utter failure. students at my uni around me know im ill and that i really fucked up big time, badly. i used to get abused, both phys and emotional. the emotional is the one that fucked me up big time and i felt very "subhuman" in high school. if i do, do something, i want the people around me to know i really apologize, my mind is just eating itself inwards.

I can relate and unfortunately I don't have much of value to say to you.
I'm sorry that you've found yourself in those circumstances

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

just want someone to talk to,

im still young but i ruined my career atleast. i have some savings left. i ruined my reputation with my mental illness. lost almost everyone got into drugs. ive been told to kill myself, had people walk out on me. a lot of hate. no family, some friends. kinda want to end it but i know theres still people who care about me.

i think my grandma, who is 87 is going to outlive me. im 23. i dont have a lot of people left, i am kinda an utter failure. students at my uni around me know im ill and that i really fucked up big time, badly. i used to get abused, both phys and emotional. the emotional is the one that fucked me up big time and i felt very "subhuman" in high school. if i do, do something, i want the people around me to know i really apologize, my mind is just eating itself inwards.

youre definitely not alone in this, ive ruined mine too, its not beyond repair, but i dont have the energy to fix it, so it will be that way soon, lost a friend who was like a light to me, had him spread information about my mental illness to people after we stopped talking, almost got kicked out of university because of my anorexia and was forced to take leave, hardly attended anything, lost all passion for my degree,as well as most things, im not intelligent anymore like i used to be, my brain has been rotted, ive become more distant from everyone i was close to, strained relationships with my family bc of my mental illness, ultimately in the past year ive become a shell of the human being i used to be, for my friends i can perform and pretend im still him to some extent, but i have very little meaningful connection with other people, dont work and probably cant bc of my illness, cant drive either, cant even be trusted at home on my own

so you are not alone in this feeling at all, im sorry that you do, its such an awful and heavy feeling, but trust me, its not as much as your fault as you think it is, its very easy to blame yourself, and sometimes that feels like the most reasonable thing to do, but its not, genuinely, if you were mentally healthy you would NOT have acted in the same ways, this is how severe illness manifests in us, it takes and it takes, but you clearly do not want that, im very sorry youre dealing with it, this situation is hell enough, if you can even show yourself a little kindness/mercy, that will make it slightly lighter to carry, and i really hope you are able to do that, it wont be easy, but hopefully you still can, wishing you well

 

[somethingclever]

about to turn 23 here

yeah either through inaction or avoidance ive guttered any chance i had at a "good life"

family: dead mom, distant father, no siblings, grandparents all dead
friends: they all know im cooked. one too many embarrassing rants in the DMs
career: i was doing better at 16 than i am now (sweng freelancing at the time, didn't know how good i had it haha)

atp suicide is the only chance i feel i have at retaining any dignity. i know some people get suicidal and start "living life to the fullest" but ive been sleeping my entire life away since 17 so idk

down for any ideas tho

 

[crashinout]

about to turn 23 here

yeah either through inaction or avoidance ive guttered any chance i had at a "good life"

family: dead mom, distant father, no siblings, grandparents all dead
friends: they all know im cooked. one too many embarrassing rants in the DMs
career: i was doing better at 16 than i am now (sweng freelancing at the time, didn't know how good i had it haha)

atp suicide is the only chance i feel i have at retaining any dignity. i know some people get suicidal and start "living life to the fullest" but ive been sleeping my entire life away since 17 so idk

down for any ideas tho

i think im in the same position, im also a SWE. but i think i just lost like full hope, i fucked up so much shit. i ruined a lot of things. i messed up big time. i am not well

You

You're not alone, this is way too common sadly.

I also experimented with ketamine as a way to help. Surprisingly it does lol, I am also a ketamine lover. It brings me a lot of peace in all the fucked up shit I've been doing








I think my plan is to:
- save up money to give to my sister (she has a kid)
I feel so selfish for giving up, I want her kid to grow up happy but I am in so much pain.
- so that means doing job interviews, just finished an internship
- im not even putting in the effort for interviewing but im in the process of some
- find a safe way to end things, apologize to everyone
- thinking hanging or some other clean method
I feel guilty for leaving behind people who care about me but my mind is just so broken from the years. I think I'm going to turn my website into a memoir so the people around me can, forgive themselves and see things that I cared about. Because I know theres people that care about me.

I would like, if I do go through with things that my funeral has its proceeds to mental health or intergenerational trauma, I fucked up a lot of shit and never unlearned it.

 

[somethingclever]

i think im in the same position, im also a SWE. but i think i just lost like full hope, i fucked up so much shit. i ruined a lot of things. i messed up big time. i am not well

I also experimented with ketamine as a way to help. Surprisingly it does lol, I am also a ketamine lover. It brings me a lot of peace in all the fucked up shit I've been doing

feel this
i'll be returning to my compsci program after a failed semester... barely attended but did great when i did. Lots of drinking and choosing work over study. i also deal with chronic migraines which worsened everything. have totally lost interest and passion in it now but dk what to do with my life. maybe nursing? would try trades but my body wouldn't fare well (hypermobile??)

would love to try ket but have no source irl.. waiting for paycheque to hit then gonna buy some funny pills off the online markets

 

[crashinout]

feel this
i'll be returning to my compsci program after a failed semester... barely attended but did great when i did. Lots of drinking and choosing work over study. i also deal with chronic migraines which worsened everything. have totally lost interest and passion in it now but dk what to do with my life. maybe nursing? would try trades but my body wouldn't fare well (hypermobile??)

would love to try ket but have no source irl.. waiting for paycheque to hit then gonna buy some funny pills off the online markets

oh im the exact same way with school. i just dropped out lol it was an identical experience. i am just trying to get internship offers with the courses i do have.

i also lost passion for cs, i just dont even remember why i did it anymore. i was doing fine but i dont really feel "purpose" or anything anymore.

i dont encourage anything, i want you to make that choice. however it is a dissociative and has been really good for depression medically, atleast for me. if you do however and dont want to play with risks, i recommend you find a testing branch for it.

 

[somethingclever]

oh im the exact same way with school. i just dropped out lol it was an identical experience. i am just trying to get internship offers with the courses i do have.

i also lost passion for cs, i just dont even remember why i did it anymore. i was doing fine but i dont really feel "purpose" or anything anymore.

i dont encourage anything, i want you to make that choice. however it is a dissociative and has been really good for depression medically, atleast for me. if you do however and dont want to play with risks, i recommend you find a testing branch for it.

yes, sorry to put that on you, i don't mean to. i've looked at the medical ket route in the past but in my country it's not covered, and they charge like $5-10k for treatment with a bunch of sessions and follow ups, out of my minimum wage budget. alternative is signing up for studies but not much luck yet, also waiting to hear back on getting my brain blasted with magnets

we do have free spectrometry drug testing and i've used it in the past, very lucky, but they are being defunded as we speak

i started coding making game mods, was very fun as a kid, led me to learning a lot but not so interested anymore. just wish i had enough money to cover expenses and maybe a car, go out with my friends, not worry about where im going to live. dont care about the job as long as it doesnt kill my body (8+h a day staring at a screen using a keyboard hurts me quite quickly now.. running out of options lol..)

 

[crashinout]

yes, sorry to put that on you, i don't mean to. i've looked at the medical ket route in the past but in my country it's not covered, and they charge like $5-10k for treatment with a bunch of sessions and follow ups, out of my minimum wage budget. alternative is signing up for studies but not much luck yet, also waiting to hear back on getting my brain blasted with magnets

we do have free spectrometry drug testing and i've used it in the past, very lucky, but they are being defunded as we speak

i started coding making game mods, was very fun as a kid, led me to learning a lot but not so interested anymore. just wish i had enough money to cover expenses and maybe a car, go out with my friends, not worry about where im going to live. dont care about the job as long as it doesnt kill my body (8+h a day staring at a screen using a keyboard hurts me quite quickly now.. running out of options lol..)

oh thats the same for me im in canada, its fucked up but its been helpful. i was on the waitlist for magnets like 5 years ago lol but i ended up not doing it.

i see yeah, i also started from video games. i dont want some fancy job i just want something to just cover expenses too. just to hopefully idk give me hope? i dont feel much anymore so idrc

 

[SuicidalCheese]

I don't really have anyone to blame for all that I've been through, so, probably, yeah, I have ruined my life. I hope that most of the lads and lasses here feel otherwise.

 

[am045]

Yeah I ruined my own life. I still can't believe it. It happened so fast. Some of the circumstances were not in my control, but I can't do anything now. It's been 8 years since, and I know I can never go back. Everyone around me has just gone on with their lives, and will continue to do so even after I am gone. Life humbled me in ways I never imagined, so here I am. I don't see any sort of future anymore, and have just accepted that it was meant to happen and that I was meant to go because of it.

 

[Tomorrow Is Today]

I'm relatively young so technically there's room to somewhat fix things career wise, but I've wasted so much potential. Ever since I became sure of eventually CTBing I set myself up to fail in most parts of my life.

I dropped out of a University that many in my country wish to attend, I cut out everyone except for a select few, and I let my fitness and personal care go down the drain.

It's kind of contradictory to put it in this way but once I was sure of what I wanted to eventually do, I didn't mind letting my life go to shit so badly because it will eliminate any doubt and push me further toward CTBing.

 

[pk@2001]

Well unintentionally even my life has ruined and now there are circumstances that have gone way beyond my control..
It's just that I'm on a borrowed timed and will eventually meet my fate

 

[KatalinaKrimson]

probably most of us.

I definitely feel like I have,

right now, I'd rather die than "move on" and let some alternate version of myself inhabit my body

 

[Pluto]

 

[crashinout]

I'm relatively young so technically there's room to somewhat fix things career wise, but I've wasted so much potential. Ever since I became sure of eventually CTBing I set myself up to fail in most parts of my life.

I dropped out of a University that many in my country wish to attend, I cut out everyone except for a select few, and I let my fitness and personal care go down the drain.

It's kind of contradictory to put it in this way but once I was sure of what I wanted to eventually do, I didn't mind letting my life go to shit so badly because it will eliminate any doubt and push me further toward CTBing.

oh i did exactly this! same situation w the uni, i also go to a single digit acceptance one, i dropped my fitness and personal care. u can see it in my appearance. i dont really care too much about anything, i just do not value myself anymore. i am the same way,

i fluctuate between still "pushing for a future" but dont really care that my savings are running out, things are falling apart.