You know guys, I've read the last 90+ pages, and I think some of you might want to hear MY story, if only to get some perspective which quite a number of people here need sooo badly (for their own benefit I mean) - those wondering if they can od on paracetamol, Atarax, beta blockers, etc. You know you can't, and you probably just need a good therapist and I'd suggest Lexapro, but bear with me
First of all, this is hard core stuff, skip this thread if you're not into some of the darker things that life can throw at you
I really really HAVE TO die tonight, and its not really MY decision.
Here's my story
I have fucked up big time. I live in a very homophobic country and I happen to be gay and into quite serious bdsm and quite serious iv drugs (they fucked me up big time, I really went mad on them, lost all caution, never ever do hard drugs people.just don't). i'm progressing to AIDS as well, but this is a different story.
I have recently been outed on the Internet, my iCloud was hacked and every fucking bit of my sex life got public. The person who did this has made sure everyone who knows me finds out. And they have. But things got even moreoutof control, and basically its all over the socialnetworks in my city. People instantly recognize me everywhere I go, not that I've been leaving my house much as of late. Ive got people screaming abuse in front of my house every fucking day. My neighbors know everything, my family, everyone who knows me. My mum got an anonymous postcard the other day that said congratulations on the best son in the world. Can you imagine the kind of hell I'm in? All is lost. You have no idea what it's like. I can't work (I'm an interpreter), Im afraid to leave my house, afraid to look my mum in the eye, I get panic attacks just sitting in mums car.
Now, the darkest irony of life: if only I had about $50, I could easily get some heroin and od, but I have no money,no cards and I'm under house arrest and constantly watched by my mum and her boyfriend (I had tried to ctb before this whole crazy outing thing happened, had used phenobarbital mixed with alcohol, but fucked up the dose,was found, slept for 3 days and that was it)
I cannot describe the despair of it all. I just can't seem to fucking hang myself, I get into terrible si panic but don't lose consciousness at all, I have tried and tried, partial, standing, knot on the right,on the left, on the back, I just can't pass out quickly enough, and the panic is so physical, I don't want to die like this especially because I'm doing this whole fucking thing because of the bullying - I'd be so happy to turn back time... my carotids seem to be too deep, Idk, I can locate them perfectly well, but there's no question of passing out within 10 seconds or even 30 seconds, and it feels like an eternity.
Anyway, yesterday in my desperation I decided it would be much better to lay my head on the rail track, the nearest is about 15 km away, I thought I might steal the money from my mum to pay for the cab (leaving in the night), but Jesus fucking Christ - mum has hidden her purse, obviously in anticipation of this happening. Now some of you guys think getting your head decapitated by train wheels takes balls, Idk maybe Ive gone full batshit crazy, but I think hanging takes much more willpower, with the track ýou just wait for the buffer thing to go past you, then you put your neck on the rail and the jobs done in a second, and no I don't care about traumatizing other people, this is life, and for fucks sake I have been traumatized in the worst manner possible by these very people. I mean obviously I'd rather I had a guillotine at home, but I am TOTALLY desperate.
So, no money for the cab, no money at all actually, this method is out of question as well, I'm facing two options: excruciating hanging with the added difficulty of being found quickly (if i do it ill have to do it in the shed in the night), OR - and this is crazy - sodium CHLORIDE poisoning. Yep, table salt. Google it, pretty lethal if you take at least 3g/kg, I have found 250 g in the kitchen, but definitely need more, so it's not exactly foolproof which is again problematic. All the research on the Internet says it could be quite painful and as I understand it takes up to 24 hours to die, but amazingly it's very lethal even in smaller quantities and even if you get treatment. I mean I cannot believe theres not a single thread on table salt poisoning within those 90+ pages I've seen.
What Im trying to say is this. Just look at how fucked up things are for me, I can't believe you guys, especially those in the us or Europe, choose fucking hanging or jumping or trains or antidepressants or what have you when it's so easy to get 1 fucking g of heroin or better still some fentanyl, cook it up, shoot it up and quickly od. I mean Jesus Christ people, are you mad?I would give my soul to the deviI for that overdose, i can't believe I've been doing drugs for so long but have to die in these stupid ways...
I dk what to do. Salt poisoning will probably turn out to be very painful, and i am definitely gonna be found in this state and taken to hospital, but maybe it wont be that painful,, it says a lot of people get lethargic and then go into coma rather quickly. the chinese nobles apparently used to cbt throught this method, i mean it IS lethal in massive amounts,but the fucking pain again... but there's just something animal about the panic I get from hanging that just freaks me out,its horrible, it's the worst feeling I've ever had and I've had terrible come downs from drugs, but those were nowhere near as horrible as this feeling, I start to hyperventilate af, it just sucks
Anyway, I wrote this a couple of hours ago waiting for my account to be approved. I have decided against using table salt. My dad cbt 12 years ago, drank a bottle of vodka being disabled (his kidneys didn't work because of alcoholism), and he was dying for hours in terrible pain, I don't want that, I really don't.
Guys, Don't inflict unnecessary pain on yourselves. I mean if you really have to die like I do and you've got a little money and you're not disabled and can go out, just think about what I've said.
Fuck, I really cannot believe I have to die like this. Ive been depressed and suicidal my whole life, ive had so many opportunities to die without pain, and I've fucked it up big time. I can't believe I never thought of having that 1g of dope for a time like this. I want to scream in frustration
I'm gonna try hanging again today, with a different rope, full suspension. I suspect I'm gonna go in a very painful way after all. Don't repeat my mistakes guys.
Never do hard drugs people, especially if you've got things to hide.
Wish me luck guys I need it badly.
