Story Hanging - Dark story: I have to die in a way I hate

[Fordprefect]

Hey there guys. It breaks my heart to read your messages, thank you so much, youve no idea how much it means to me, but I've made up my mind. I just can't go on. I haven't got the energy to fight. I had been suicidal before the shitstorm, but there had been drugs and sex and the ability to go out, and because my English is good i could always find a well paid job. All of that is off the cards now. I'm scared to leave the apartment. And there are huge debts, aids is on its way, folks think I've gone mad. I just can't do it. Loads of talented nice people have died young, I'll be in good company :)

I took 180 mg of mirtazapine in the morning, it was the worst trip ever. Definitely not suitable for hanging. Went to sleep at about 9 am, just woke up (its 7pm here).

Mums been home all day, so i wouldn't have the chance to do anything anyway. I really hope she goes out tomorrow. I have to sign on on Wednesday, that would require me leaving the apartment, I have to succeed with hanging until then.

 

[Soul]

Hey there guys. It breaks my heart to read your messages, thank you so much, youve no idea how much it means to me, but I've made up my mind. I just can't go on. I haven't got the energy to fight. I had been suicidal before the shitstorm, but there had been drugs and sex and the ability to go out, and because my English is good i could alwas find a good job. All of that is off the cards now. I'm scared to leave the apartment. And there are huge debts, aids is on its way, folks this k I've gone mad. I just can't do it. Loads of talented nice people have died young, I'll be in good company :)

I took 180 mg of mirtazapine in the morning, it was the worst trip ever. Definitely not suitable for hanging. Went to sleep at about 9 am, just woke up (its 7pm here).

Mums been home all day, so i wouldn't have the chance to do anything anyway. I really hope she goes out tomorrow. I have to sign on on Wednesday, that would require me leaving the apartment, I have to succeed with hanging until then.

How can we help you, @Fordprefect ?

 

[Fordprefect]

How can we help you, @Fordprefect ?

Just knowing I have this place helps a lot. I woke up super sedated from mirtazapine, sedated but still depressed, and if it wasn't for you lot Id have nowhere to go. Just having this place, just being able to share my story and get sympathy for a change instead of constant abuse in my final days on this planet is a miracle,and I'm super grateful for that. And I've met wonderful people here, I can't believe your offers of help, this is heart breaking. Thank you guys :)

 

[arelia]

 

[Fordprefect]

I'd kill for that bottle of peach schnapps xD Debbie the prostitute has her shit together

 

[Centerism]

Hey. I just want you to know we're all here for you. I understand your predicament and I support your final decision. But I wish you'd take the time to plan a safer more sure way to ctb. You don't need to go out suffering. You have suffered enough in your short life and you don't deserve to go out in horrible agony.

I too am a gay male into hardcore bdsm. I understand the sigma they is associated with it. If I we're outed I would lose friends, family and everything. That would make me want to ctb earlier but I would still tty to hold out and find a nicer way to go.

Think to yourself, is the suffering I'm going through now worth the suffering I'm planning for myself? I hope not.

Either way, I love you brother and I completely support you. I hour if your decision is final that you have a pleasant journey. And I will see you soon on the other side.


Love

 

[Fordprefect]

Hey. I just want you to know we're all here for you. I understand your predicament and I support your final decision. But I wish you'd take the time to plan a safer more sure way to ctb. You don't need to go out suffering. You have suffered enough in your short life and you don't deserve to go out in horrible agony.

I too am a gay male into hardcore bdsm. I understand the sigma they is associated with it. If I we're outed I would lose friends, family and everything. That would make me want to ctb earlier but I would still tty to hold out and find a nicer way to go.

Think to yourself, is the suffering I'm going through now worth the suffering I'm planning for myself? I hope not.

Either way, I love you brother and I completely support you. I hour if your decision is final that you have a pleasant journey. And I will see you soon on the other side.


Love

Thanks mate. My situation is very unlikely to change for the better, there's no point in putting it off. A lot of people here have offered me money, that'd help me a lot if I could get out of the apartment, but I'm locked up all the time. It's either hanging or jumping (not foolproof in my case, not high enough). I've tried slitting my radial arteries, but I haven't got a scalpel, and it's technically hard to pull off with a simple blade. I just made a mess of my wrists. Exotic methods like table salt poisoning or drinking bleach are obviously very painful. I have considered the shallow water drowning method, but if I get my window of opportunity tomorrow, it would be a shame to blow it on trying to do a completely new thing. So hanging it is.

 

[Centerism]

Hey,
I've tried hanging and it's agony. So is the shallow water method. Both were so traumatizing that I refuse to go that way again. Wrist slitting had never worked for me either. That just lands me in the hospital. I've known people who have tried the salt method and have ended up with days of horrible pain and irreversible stomach ailments. There are much cleaner ways to go.

I understand the urgency you have and I can gain a similar repor with you. I've been in the seat that the stigma placed on me has made me feel like the suffering I was going through left me no choice but to ctb. I wad a iv drug use (heroin) and I've been chastised for being gay and for the kinky stuff I am into. And I tried (multiple times) to ctb.

I just want you to know that you can survive the horror if it means your not going to traumatize yourself or someone else much like your mom.

Go peacefully. It will fill you with warmth and joy. The next part of existence for you will be a peaceful one.

Along with other people I would be willing to financially support you if you could any way get to an asylum state. You could start over and live your life as sexually pervasive as you wish and not get bothered for it. And even if you were to go back to drugs and your life was still unbearable you could easily ctb in a more ethical way.

Still, I love you and support you. And if you feel no other way but out I will wish you safe travels and a peaceful journey. I hope you can find a way to painlessly go. I truly wish you no pain in your final moments. Brother you are my kin and I an on your side. I just wish you'd consider something else rather than hanging or salt. Even jumping I think would be completely frightening. Remember I love you bro.

Love

 

[Fordprefect]

Thanks bro. Have all the fun you can while you're still here.

 

[First loss]

Fu

OK, I've calmed down a bit, here's what I'm gonna do.
Salt is fucking humiliating. I'm gonna try partial as soon as I'm sure they're safely out of the house, if it doesn't work out then I'll have a go at full tomorrow night, and if that doesn't work I'll have to wait till Monday when we get back to the city and hopefully I'll be able to escape home and go to the rail tracks.

I think partials gonna work this time, guys. I just have a hunch.
I just got an email from someone ("U from..."), but for some reason I can't reply, so I'll do it here:

Yeah, you guessed correctly
You know, I just don't have the energy to fight and the outing has been so traumatic - please understand I'm not just gay but into bdsm and Chem sex scene, this is unthinkable for most people here, and I just really really want out.
I'm an English teacher and interpreter, I won't be able to find work ever again, I've had police officers refuse to help me because of my background, and it's just best to go. I was not psychologically ready for hanging tonight, i can see it now, but Im feeling good about doing partial in a few hours time, I think it's gonna work this time, I just got this feeling.
THANK YOU, I had no idea there were so many sympathetic people on the forum.

Fuck man. I sent you the email.
Are you able to leave the country or move yourself away in some way? If suicide is your final option, I wish you luck and safe travels, and I shall write to people that have ties with LGBT communities and press to make this monstrosity known.

 

[Fordprefect]

Fu

Fuck man. I sent you the email.
Are you able to leave the country or move yourself away in some way? If suicide is your final option, I wish you luck and safe travels, and I shall write to people that have ties with LGBT communities and press to make this monstrosity known.

No, i have other plans.

Thank you, I really dont care what happens after i die, but PLEASE don't do it until I'm dead. I have had enough publicity as it is.
As soon as I have the apartment to myself, I will let you know guys. If I'm not back in a a couple of hours, I'm definitely dead.

 

[Centerism]

Thanks bro. Have all the fun you can while you're still here.

I will. And if you go I will let your memory live with me till it's my turn to ctb. Which won't be long now. I honestly feel for you since I originally saw your post. I was scared I wouldn't find you in good health before I could get a message to you. I honestly as in a very similar boat as you and I really relate to what you've been through. I really felt a urgency to ctb a while ago and I tried to ctb on multiple occasions because of it. But I found friends who were supportive and kept in touch with them. Like me they are loving and supportive. And they supported my wishes to go when I felt the time was right. I would be willing to be that friend to you. I just don't want to see you suffer.

I Love you man. Remember that.

 

[First loss]

No, i have other plans.

Thank you, I really dont care what happens after i die, but PLEASE don't do it until I'm dead. I have had enough publicity as it is.
As soon as I have the apartment to myself, I will let you know guys. If I'm not back in a a couple of hours, I'm definitely dead.

I shall abide by your wishes and not do anything for 24 hours or until you update us, then.

 

[Fordprefect]

I shall abide by your wishes and not do anything for 24 hours or until you update us, then.

OK, I hope tomorrow is the day. Thank you.

I will. And if you go I will let your memory live with me till it's my turn to ctb. Which won't be long now. I honestly feel for you since I originally saw your post. I was scared I wouldn't find you in good health before I could get a message to you. I honestly as in a very similar boat as you and I really relate to what you've been through. I really felt a urgency to ctb a while ago and I tried to ctb on multiple occasions because of it. But I found friends who were supportive and kept in touch with them. Like me they are loving and supportive. And they supported my wishes to go when I felt the time was right. I would be willing to be that friend to you. I just don't want to see you suffer.

I Love you man. Remember that.

You're a great guy. Thank you. Love you too bro

 

[First loss]

OK, I hope tomorrow is the day. Thank you.



You're a great guy. Thank you. Love you too bro

I found a way man, at least have comfort knowing that your story will be heard.

 

[Fordprefect]

Just a couple of songs I've been listening to for you guys

 

[Centerism]

I found a way man, at least have comfort knowing that your story will be heard.

I found a way man, at least have comfort knowing that your story will be heard.

I'm grateful for you man. You are a wonderful person for what you've gone through and for what you stand for (being gay in a opressive world). I really wish I met you earlier and had a chance to become friends with you. I'm glad my story will live on but more so I want you to know that you and your memory will always be with me and those who have seen your thread.

Be sure to let us know when you are going or if you decided not to go. Either way I'll be here to support you. And so will others.

Be safe and go peacefully. Be sure to hug your mom tonight. She is a strong person.

Love you

 

[arelia]

No, i have other plans.

Thank you, I really dont care what happens after i die, but PLEASE don't do it until I'm dead. I have had enough publicity as it is.
As soon as I have the apartment to myself, I will let you know guys. If I'm not back in a a couple of hours, I'm definitely dead.

unless of course she's come back early, found you in the act and had you sectioned. TBH I'd hold off on the story until there's more time elapsed or there's a way to confirm your passing - just to be safe.

If she's really suspicious, you may be best off waiting for a few more days and behaving for what passes as normal until she believes the danger has passed and she's gone back to her normal routine, that may give you more time on your chosen day so you don't have to feel rushed.

just my tuppence

 

[Fordprefect]

They're planning to go back to our country house on Thursday, and it's so much harder to do it there. I'll have to do it here as soon as she's out.

Just one more song that I've been listening to. I've always loved it, and it so fucking fits the moment :) 4:30 is my favorite part of it

 

[Fordprefect]

How you you doing bro?

I'll PM you if you don't mind.

 

[Centerism]

I'll PM you if you don't mind.

I don't know if you can pm me yet. But if you can't then message me. Thanks.

 

[bellented]

I understand, but you do not have to go in a way you hate TONIGHT. You can hold on alittle bit longer to die in a more perferred way. I don't wsnt to hang myself either.

 

[glk]

ни ху я се бе. Единственный тред от которого мне было так же напряжно как от этого был тред человека с невероятно громким непрекращающимся тиннитусом.

Если ещё жив, попробуй турникет.

 

[arelia]

@Fordprefect
I'm just about to take off for a few days and I'll be on the road so I probably won't be able to check in to see how you're going.
I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and I'll be hoping that you'll be here when I get back. If you're not, I hope you make it onto the bus without problems and it's a quick and pain free journey.

 

[Soul]

Если ещё жив, попробуй турникет.

If you're still alive try the turnstile -
that's what google makes of that.

(I remember enough Cyrillic to know what it really says - I just found google's rendition funny. It would make an excellent fortune cookie.)

 

[Fordprefect]

OK, guys. It's nearly 10 pm where I am. Tonight is the night.
if I'm not back in 24 hours, I'm dead. Fingers crossed.

Goodbye.

you've been amazing.

 

[Baskol1]

OK, guys. It's nearly 10 pm where I am. Tonight is the night.
if I'm not back in 24 hours, I'm dead. Fingers crossed.

Goodbye.

you've been amazing.

Im sorry that life was so hard to you, i hope you will find peace, but maybe there is another way? In the end it is your decision.

 

[woxihuanni]

You've been amazing, too! Good luck and a peaceful journey...

 

[Rocksandsand]

We spoke until the last moments. You've been self banned for all of 10 minutes and I am bawling my eyes out.

I am thousands of miles away, but I miss you. I really hope you've found peace

 

[Jean Améry]

This is sad. How fucked up is it that people have to CTB due to bullying... It's bad enough if it's because of health issues or mental problems.

Who the hell cares about another's sexuality anyway? I hope the scum that did this to him get what's coming to them.

I'm sure he found peace and I hope it was quick and painless. He did great work on the H-thread, at least I got to thank him for that.