Story Hanging - Dark story: I have to die in a way I hate

[arelia]

You know, if I could just snap my fingers and get there, yes I would
But I haven't got the energy to go through the process of documenting the abuse, it's just so painful and humiliating, I mean I'm a very underground kind of person, I get it, getting out of here would require me to get through a shit ton of mainstream homophobic people and what with my health issues and addiction and mental health in general, there's no point

I'm fully ready to go guys, there's no tragedy in this, I'm nearly 30, I've had a good run :) it's the method that bothers me and the ongoing abuse in the backdrop.

I wish you'd consider europe (although perhaps not the UK as the govt here is downright ugly atm) rather than this.

If you do decide it's going to be tonight, I hope you have a peaceful passing. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts tonight but I'm hoping you'll be here tomorrow.

 

[Fordprefect]

Hey man I just want to shoot you a message before it gets too late. Same as you, I am a gay man with some serious, hardcore BDSM fetish. And yes, by "some" I mean far more than one, and being known for anyone of those can lead me into serious problems. I do not really know how to offer sympathy and I am not sure if that help after all, since I am sure I will take my life eventually some day. What I want to say is that humanity is the most complex thing in the world. I have known lots of good people in the small society BDSM, although so many people are calling us disgusting. No matter you decide to let go or hold on, I hope you have found some pleasure in this world and take it with you.

Hey man :) yep, pleasure is what I do best xD
I love guys who are into bdsm, this is my tribe. If I could turn back time I'd go to Germany or the Netherlands and start my own production company, I'm that dedicated to this stuff :)
All the best to you, try and get as much pleasure as you can while you're alive. I really miss that now.

I wish you'd consider europe (although perhaps not the UK as the govt here is downright ugly atm) rather than this.

If you do decide it's going to be tonight, I hope you have a peaceful passing. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts tonight but I'm hoping you'll be here tomorrow.

I feel bad about refusing your advice, this is so moving, thank you so much, but no, I'm getting out. I've had my last cookie so to speak.
I'm not attempting partial until the morning, it's too risky doing it in the house at night or going outside. Mum made a point of reminding me over dinner that she's a light sleeper xD they're very suspicious. I can't risk it again, there has been two suicide attempts on their watch already, they'll definitely get me sectioned if they find me with the rope around my neck.

 

[arelia]

I feel bad about refusing your advice, this is so moving, thank you so much, but no, I'm getting out. I've had my last cookie so to speak.
I'm not attempting partial until the morning, it's too risky doing it in the house at night or going outside. Mum made a point of reminding me over dinner that she's a light sleeper xD they're very suspicious. I can't risk it again, there has been two suicide attempts on their watch already, they'll definitely get me sectioned if they find me with the rope around my neck.

Then try to pad the rope because if you don't succeed you'll probably have marks and they'll be so high up they'll be unmissable.

I can think of a myriad of reasons why you shouldn't but do understand why you feel as you do. Damn, I wish there was a better outcome for this, I'd like you to live a long, happy life being as hedonistic as you want.

 

[oopswronglife]

I feel bad about refusing your advice, this is so moving, thank you so much, but no, I'm getting out. I've had my last cookie so to speak.

That's ultimately always your choice and I am not at all a pro-life "one must live at all costs" person. But you seem very driven to this by an acute pressure which CAN possibly change if you get somewhere decent. It's one of those "nothing to lose" situations because you can always ctb any day from here to whenever. You say you don't want to deal with the shit people between here and asylum...but that's just an avoidance tactic our mind does. "Dealing" with those people and paperwork passes and you won't care later if your goal for asylum was successful. Those people don't matter. You MIGHT get residency....rehab or medical help...and a life. If you are genuinely "done" I know none of this matters. But I've been around...and you don't sound done. You sound like someone who is screaming to the world for a reprieve. I won't keep beating the "лошадь"...but you have nothing to lose trying if in your heart you have even a little desire to. It could change everything...it could be a tiny detour to the bus stop. Only one way to know.

 

[Fordprefect]

Then try to pad the rope because if you don't succeed you'll probably have marks and they'll be so high up they'll be unmissable.

I can think of a myriad of reasons why you shouldn't but do understand why you feel as you do. Damn, I wish there was a better outcome for this, I'd like you to live a long, happy life being as hedonistic as you want.

I liked "dissolute" better xD

That's ultimately always your choice and I am not at all a pro-life "one must live at all costs" person. But you seem very driven to this by an acute pressure which CAN possibly change if you get somewhere decent. It's one of those "nothing to lose" situations because you can always ctb any day from here to whenever. You say you don't want to deal with the shit people between here and asylum...but that's just an avoidance tactic our mind does. "Dealing" with those people and paperwork passes and you won't care later if your goal for asylum was successful. Those people don't matter. You MIGHT get residency....rehab or medical help...and a life. If you are genuinely "done" I know none of this matters. But I've been around...and you don't sound done. You sound like someone who is screaming to the world for a reprieve. I won't keep beating the "лошадь"...but you have nothing to lose trying if in your heart you have even a little desire to. It could change everything...it could be a tiny detour to the bus stop. Only one way to know.

I remember someone saying, I think it was Sandi toksvig when she left the News Quiz, that it's best to leave when everyone stillwants you to stay a little longer. Well,not everyone in my case, but everyone whose opinion is important to me.
I'm OK with dying guys. What with aids coming my way it's really best to go now.
God I love this forum. I'm so happy I've got people to talk to before ctb.
Thank you so much, I haven't talked to anyone but my folks for more than a month.

 

[arelia]

I liked "dissolute" better xD

so do I ;) but these days dissolute has such a bad rep that I didn't want you to think I was insulting you. Hedonistic always sounds tame (but is fun) but with dissolute, you know exactly what's what.

 

[oopswronglife]

I'm OK with dying guys. What with aids coming my way it's really best to go now.

I said I wasn't going to beat the лошадь but I cannot not mention this. HIV is very survivable and you can avoid AIDS if you get treatment going again. Once again if you are done you are done...but nothing you have said as to WHY you are done cannot potentially be fixed with an asylum bid. I'd hate to see you toss out that opportunity...you are clearly a bright and kind person and the world needs more of those. If you DO try and want logistical help planning how to apply for asylum we will help. If you don't....travel well.

 

[Fordprefect]

You can't insult a gay guy who's into bdsm with 'dissolute'

 

[Rocksandsand]

Morning, @Fordprefect (at least - it's morning in Australia and I just woke up after a valium-sleep)

Do you know when you'll be attempting your partial?

 

[arelia]

You can't insult a gay guy who's into bdsm with 'dissolute'

maybe in your part of the world but in mine, I lay bets most would be grievously insulted that I would call their lifestyles that. I'm going to a BDSM event in a couple of weeks and I'll ask them but I'm pretty sure they'll be offended. No matter how depraved, we're nice people here (!) (nor do they like being called depraved!)

 

[Fordprefect]

maybe in your part of the world but in mine, I lay bets most would be grievously insulted that I would call their lifestyles that. I'm going to a BDSM event in a couple of weeks and I'll ask them but I'm pretty sure they'll be offended. No matter how depraved, we're nice people here (!) (nor do they like being called depraved!)

I think because I'm not a native speaker of English, words do not carry the same weight for me. I understand the meaning but the emotive side of it kind of escapes me :) dissolute sounds kind of negative, but I like it
@Rocksandsand
I took 90 mg of mirtazapine, got sedated and slept for 15 hours. Just woke up.
I'll attempt partial on monday when we're back in our flat in the city. The plan is to have a large dose of Mirtazapine and get very sedated. Mum keeps all the alcohol in her car because my last suicide attempt took place after I'd stolen a bottle of brandy from her room. Also, she's just told me she's gonna lock me up in the flat every time she has to go out, so hanging is still the only viable option.

 

[arelia]

I think because I'm not a native speaker of English, words do not carry the same weight for me. I understand the meaning but the emotive side of it kind of escapes me :) dissolute sounds kind of negative, but I like it

Here, it's because dissolute implies a moral judgement on character and behaviour. I'm a big fan of embracing the inner deviant as long as there's no harm to others but sadly there are some people who aren't really big on the concept of live and let live, I suppose it's because they've got such narrow lives to go with their narrow minds.

 

[Fordprefect]

people who aren't really big on the concept of live and let live, I suppose it's because they've got such narrow lives to go with their narrow minds.

Well said.

 

[Fordprefect]

I've got absolutely no one to talk to but you guys, so here we go. Just a few thoughts on this and that.

I think I should really stop taking part in or even just reading threads concerned with heroin. I just get bitter as fuck, which is absolutely pointless and absurd. But I really, really don't understand why people can't Google stuff before asking questions. I thought that by suggesting ODing on heroin I'd help people as a final gesture of thanks to this forum (you guys have helped me so much and I want to give something back), but the kind of replies I get leads me to believe there are many people here who need attention rather than sound advice on how to die. I just don't believe they really want to die. People who do see opportunities, not obstacles. I was prepared to take half a kilo of fucking table salt in my desperation, some people here say they don't like needles. For fucks sake.

Anyway, these are just my bitter thoughts, just venting, take no notice. I just wanted to say I'm not gonna attempt anything till Monday. Snorting Mirtazapine has been a bit counterproductive, it's taken away what little energy I had. I'm sedated and lazy and hungry.

If anyone wants any advice on H or intravenous injections, feel free to PM, I'll try and help you as much as I can before I go, but only if you're serious about ctb. And if you're thinking of ctb because of depression, I will invariably refuse to help unless you've tried at least ten different ADs xD and if you're thinking of ctb because somebody doesn't love you back, definitely fuck off.

Sorry if I sound rude or harsh, but I just can't help getting bitter reading threads about unrequited love or unmedicated depression. Suicide is not a fucking game, you shouldn't talk about it like it's not something serious. There are people here who have to die because they've got a terminal illness, or because things in their life are fucked up beyond hope, and seeing these posts from people who are clearly just bored... it just makes me resentful. There, I've said it. I mean if you're bored, if your love is unrequited, if you're depressed, at least try doing fucking drugs before you ctb. Maybe that'll change your mind. Surely you've nothing to lose.

And what saddens me most is that I used to be like that myself ages ago. I'd do anything to go back to the time when I thought I wanted to die because a certain guy didn't return my feelings. So maybe I'm just envious. God, how stupid I was.

I'm so tired of waiting. I just want to get it over with as soon as possible. I don't care if I'm cremated or buried, if I have the time to rewrite my note because I don't like the one I wrote several days ago, if I shit my pants after successfully hanging myself, if my tongue falls out of my mouth; I just want to fucking die and I've run out of fucks to give. And if I hear one more person say they can get heroin but, sorry, they don't like needles, I'm gonna fucking go into spasm.

 

[thatguyakira123]

And I really don't know why people here bother with n or sn, ODing on opioids is quick and painless, believe me, and you don't need much

Well not everyone can get it easy. Also everyone doesn't have the same experiace. One person could just pass out for days while another might puke it out. It really depends on a person's tollerance.

 

[Fordprefect]

Well not everyone can get it easy. Also everyone doesn't have the same experiace. One person could just pass out for days while another might puke it out. It really depends on a person's tollerance.

You can't puke out what you've shot up. Nobody just passes out for days from injecting a lethal dose of heroin. You invariably die. There are countless tutorials on intravenous injections on the Internet. There are countless tutorials on how to cook up and gauge the potency of heroin. It's one of the easiest drugs to obtain almost everywhere on the planet. Unless you're disabled or absolutely broke or under house arrest, getting it is easy. The only people who might have tolerance developed are drug users and they wouldn't need any advice on how to OD on heroin. Everyone else, by definition, cant have any tolerance developed.

 

[who doesn't matter]

You can't puke out what you've shot up. Nobody just passes out for days from injecting a lethal dose of heroin. You invariably die. There are countless tutorials on intravenous injections on the Internet. There are countless tutorials on how to cook up and gauge the potency of heroin. It's one of the easiest drugs to obtain almost everywhere on the planet. Unless you're disabled or absolutely broke or under house arrest, getting it is easy. The only people who might have tolerance developed are drug users and they wouldn't need any advice on how to OD on heroin. Everyone else, by definition, cant have any tolerance developed.

So, how are you holding up?

 

[Soul]

@Fordprefect, I hope you're doing ok. I'm glad you met with nonjudgemental compassion and empathy here, because that's what this forum does best. It's very generous of you to be willing to share your knowledge about acquiring and using heroin (and/or fentanyl?) with others, but can I make a suggestion?

I think the forum doesn't currently have an H/F "megathread". Instead of writing to individuals in pm's, would you be willing to write step-by-step instructions that could go in the forum's List of Resources?

I believe that if you phrase it all in the first person, as a description of your experience rather than instructions, it's not "aiding" in any way; our esteemed mods could tell you what disclaimers are advisable and how to get it added to the resource list.

Please bear in mind that when you were a beginner at this, you may have had a helpful individual who showed you the ropes. That's a huge advantage. Trying to learn from youtube is hard. Please give us links to specific helpful clips on cooking, shooting up, testing, etc. Please don't assume we know we should snort, smoke or otherwise test the stuff (or that we know how to do those things - I for example have no clue how to smoke H). Please assume our English is nowhere near as good as yours, that the terminology related to this area is a mystery to us, and that we're all very earnest and very grateful.

Please don't include any links to sources, since that's against the forum rules. If you and the good @Throwaway9787 are willing to do that by PM that would be fantastically helpful to miles of people.

What do you think?

 

[arelia]

I'm so tired of waiting. I just want to get it over with as soon as possible. I don't care if I'm cremated or buried, if I have the time to rewrite my note because I don't like the one I wrote several days ago, if I shit my pants after successfully hanging myself, if my tongue falls out of my mouth; I just want to fucking die and I've run out of fucks to give. And if I hear one more person say they can get heroin but, sorry, they don't like needles, I'm gonna fucking go into spasm.

[insert every platitude known to man here]
There's not a lot I can say to make the waiting any easier but I'm going to put on the record that I do like your turn of phrase

 

[Fordprefect]

So, how are you holding up?

Broke, under house arrest and on suicide watch.

@Fordprefect, I hope you're doing ok. I'm glad you met with nonjudgemental compassion and empathy here, because that's what this forum does best. It's very generous of you to be willing to share your knowledge about acquiring and using heroin (and/or fentanyl?) with others, but can I make a suggestion?

I think the forum doesn't currently have an H/F "megathread". Instead of writing to individuals in pm's, would you be willing to write step-by-step instructions that could go in the forum's List of Resources?

I believe that if you phrase it all in the first person, as a description of your experience rather than instructions, it's not "aiding" in any way; our esteemed mods could tell you what disclaimers are advisable and how to get it added to the resource list.

Please bear in mind that when you were a beginner at this, you may have had a helpful individual who showed you the ropes. That's a huge advantage. Trying to learn from youtube is hard. Please give us links to specific helpful clips on cooking, shooting up, testing, etc. Please don't assume we know we should snort, smoke or otherwise test the stuff (or that we know how to do those things - I for example have no clue how to smoke H). Please assume our English is nowhere near as good as yours, that the terminology related to this area is a mystery to us, and that we're all very earnest and very grateful.

Please don't include any links to sources, since that's against the forum rules. If you and the good @Throwaway9787 are willing to do that by PM that would be fantastically helpful to miles of people.

What do you think?

I think all the information is already out there. Like literally on the first page if you google it. Learning how to cook up/shoot up is definitely much easier when it's in a video on YouTube, but I suppose everyone's different. There isn't much time left, and tbh, people who are desperate will easily find everything they need to know themselves.

[insert every platitude known to man here]
There's not a lot I can say to make the waiting any easier but I'm going to put on the record that I do like your turn of phrase

 

[Fordprefect]

@Soul
OK, I was being a bit of a cunt there. Let's do a megathread thingy. I hope to give as much info as I can. Are you sure I can't give any links to clearnet resources like youtube or various wiki sites? I've seen people do it here.

 

[Soul]

@Soul
OK, I was being a bit of a cunt there. Let's do a megathread thingy. I hope to give as much info as I can. Are you sure I can't give any links to clearnet resources like youtube or various wiki sites? I've seen people do it here.

It's not allowed to link to sources of supplies, but sources of information are very welcome.

Thank you for being willing. x

 

[arelia]

@Soul
OK, I was being a bit of a cunt there. Let's do a megathread thingy. I hope to give as much info as I can. Are you sure I can't give any links to clearnet resources like youtube or various wiki sites? I've seen people do it here.

Soul beat me to it. There's always the issue of the website owner following the link back and freaking at where it leads and maybe taking the page down or sending the do-gooders in.
I'm learning to hate this forum software - I'm trying to say a nice thing and the fucking thing keep screwing it up!

one more time...

and no matter what anyone says @Fordprefect, you're a good man and it will be a loss when you leave us. Are you absolutely sure we can't tempt you to Europe?

 

[Fordprefect]

Soul beat me to it. There's always the issue of the website owner following the link back and freaking at where it leads and maybe taking the page down or sending the do-gooders in.
I'm learning to hate this forum software - I'm trying to say a nice thing and the fucking thing keep screwing it up!

one more time...

and no matter what anyone says @Fordprefect, you're a good man and it will be a loss when you leave us. Are you absolutely sure we can't tempt you to Europe?

The idea of documenting the abuse with the local police makes me shudder. Theyre one of the most homophobic people around. I absolutely haven't got the energy to go through this. I'm done.

 

[arelia]

The idea of documenting the abuse with the local police makes me shudder. Theyre one of the most homophobic people around. I absolutely haven't got the energy to go through this. I'm done.

I know you've made your mind up but you can't blame a girl for trying. I know, I know, I'm put unfair pressure on you and I promise that is the last time. It just seems such a waste of a mind when the mouthbreathers will continue to live (and breed - now there's an ugly thought).

and now I will and go back to being supportive.

 

[Fordprefect]

It's not allowed to link to sources of supplies, but sources of information are very welcome.

Thank you for being willing. x

You do know I'm waiting for your feedback:) is everything nice and clear? I've tried to give as much info as possible.

I know you've made your mind up but you can't blame a girl for trying. I know, I know, I'm put unfair pressure on you and I promise that is the last time. It just seems such a waste of a mind when the mouthbreathers will continue to live (and breed - now there's an ugly thought).

and now I will and go back to being supportive.

You've been great. Thank you so much. It had been horrible before I stumbled across this forum.

 

[Fordprefect]

I'm in the back of my mums car driving back to the city.
Just thinking about random stuff. People here like talking about hitting rock bottom.

I knew i had hit rock bottom when I woke up one morning on an old mattress that a homeless person had lent me for the night, in a park near the rail tracks. I remember opening my eyes to the sound of a passing freight train. There was a dormouse by the side of the mattress staring back at me. Then it went away and I suddenly remembered why I was on a mattress : my sex videos had just been leaked, I had been shooting up synthetic stimulants for 5 days with a homeless guy on the run from a neighboring country's police. My feet hurt as hell, I could barely stand up or walk. It had been raining the whole night, I was soaked. I had lost my iPad and my iPhone, and had to ask someone to use their phone to call my mums boyfriend and ask him to bring me my sunglasses and a tent. Instead, they took me home, it's been five weeks since then. That's rock bottom for you. Easy to tell from just being depressed xD

 

[Soul]

You do know I'm waiting for your feedback:) is everything nice and clear? I've tried to give as much info as possible.

Your megathread is wonderful - please feel very very appreciated! Thank you, from myself and future readers. (((Hugs)))

I'd like to officially join @arelia in hoping you'll choose another way to go - to the EU, for example - rather than catching a grim bus in a place that hates unicorns. What would you need to give asylum a try? x

 

[Rocksandsand]

Your megathread is wonderful - please feel very very appreciated! Thank you, from myself and future readers. (((Hugs)))

I'd like to officially join @arelia in hoping you'll choose another way to go - to the EU, for example - rather than catching a grim bus in a place that hates unicorns. What would you need to give asylum a try? x

@Fordprefect I adore everything you've contributed to this forum and our friendship. But I am siding with the beautiful @arelia and @Soul on this one. I know you are so done. I know how fucked it is for you in your city.

If I got told that the source of my suicidality would go away if I moved countries, I would shit myself. I would be so intimidated at the prospect.

But you are stronger than me, and you have more skills. You speak English better than most native speakers I know. If you can get a student visa - or any visa, but student is easiest - to study something like nursing in Australia, I can help you apply for asylum and refugee status. I know the staff personally who do this for the bulk of asylum seekers in Australia.

I understand that Australia may not be an option. Go to Germany. Go anywhere that isn't where you are now. The reason I am putting pressure on isn't that I disagree with your decision making or logic - I think being suicidal is a natural but horrific response to your horrific circumstances - but I am going to call you out on something (and it comes from a place of love, and a selfish desire to see someone that I have connected with and care about be happy). You get frustrated that people can access heroin but are sooks about the needle aspect. But with you, there's a clear circumstantial cause to what's going on for you. The circumstances are a fucking nightmare, but they are surmountable. There are people on this forum that will literally die because they have no chance to overcome their obstacles. But there is a shred of hope for you. And that's what makes my heart break when I read your story. Because I can see hope for you, even if you're in a place where you can't right now.

I 100% get if you decide to go through with suicide. And ultimately, I (along with everyone else here) will always respect you and your choice to do that. But please, please, consider speaking to your mother about this as an option. Your current circumstances are completely unsustainable. But they don't define you. You are a wonderful and compassionate person. Don't die for those cunts.

 

[who doesn't matter]

A well explained thought honestly by Rocksandsand. Ctb can never be slotted as an alternative, it's the ultimate choice, an idea equivalent but opposite to the choice of living on. By this, I don't mean you are prescribing ctb to yourself as an alternative, but the point that you are opting death even when you wish to live, just doesn't sound right. If you still have some space for hope, no matter how little, just go with with the asylum alternative. Just for the sake of this message, I am not preaching life here, it's just a thought I wanted to share.