JoysoftheEmptiness
Experienced
- Sep 10, 2024
- 229
I lost my ex-girlfriend, and best friend, last September, my only wish in life is to join her, I'm scared she's on her own on the other side
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I want to share my earliest experience with grief and trauma and 1 if the bigger reasons I feel as I do.
It's a very traumatic story so please feel free to scroll on and don't read as it contains child death.
When I was young I think about 8 I looked after a lot of the kids on my estate and in particular a young boy called Simon who was about to start primary school.
I looked after him in primary school and was close to him and his family.
1 night I woke up to commotion outside my bedroom window and like any child went to look, my mum shouted at me to stay away from the window.
I didn't realise at the time why but my mums voice made me want to look more, I now understand it was the fear and panic in her voice that alarmed me.
I looked out my window to a scene from a nightmare, my dad carrying the limp form if my friend down a ladder from an upstairs broken window that had plumes of thick black dark smoke and the flickers of flame.
I didn't see much more than that before I was ushered to a different room for the night.
I found out that both Simon 4 and Lucy 18mnths both died that night and the worst had yet to be revealed.
It turns out that my next door neighbour and babysitter had deliberately set the fire and was charged with double murder.
Someone who was an authority figure of trust murdered my friend and his sister.
It's why when I transitioned I took the name Lucy, in memory of a Lucy who deserved to live instead of me who ended up having to live.
It's a very traumatic story so please feel free to scroll on and don't read as it contains child death.
When I was young I think about 8 I looked after a lot of the kids on my estate and in particular a young boy called Simon who was about to start primary school.
I looked after him in primary school and was close to him and his family.
1 night I woke up to commotion outside my bedroom window and like any child went to look, my mum shouted at me to stay away from the window.
I didn't realise at the time why but my mums voice made me want to look more, I now understand it was the fear and panic in her voice that alarmed me.
I looked out my window to a scene from a nightmare, my dad carrying the limp form if my friend down a ladder from an upstairs broken window that had plumes of thick black dark smoke and the flickers of flame.
I didn't see much more than that before I was ushered to a different room for the night.
I found out that both Simon 4 and Lucy 18mnths both died that night and the worst had yet to be revealed.
It turns out that my next door neighbour and babysitter had deliberately set the fire and was charged with double murder.
Someone who was an authority figure of trust murdered my friend and his sister.
It's why when I transitioned I took the name Lucy, in memory of a Lucy who deserved to live instead of me who ended up having to live.
harlow-paige
part bot, part girl, full disaster
- Jan 1, 2025
- 39
(sorry this is more a vent/ getting emotions out than anything) having another wave of the pain and stuff recently, even though it's been literally like 12 whole years since my childhood best friend "unalived" himself, it's like every time i let myself get close to another person even a little bit, my walls instantly go up after, and i end up ruining things by being too terrified. i think that was when i switched to hugely avoidant moded and just very numb and evasive in social contexts, and now that someone new is breaking down those barriers again, i'm completely terrified and frozen.
i just can't stop feeling that fact that everything has an ending, and how painful that is, it makes me almost not want to even try
i just can't stop feeling that fact that everything has an ending, and how painful that is, it makes me almost not want to even try
