Venting Got worse I guess

[ElTopo]

Yesterday some friends came to visit, and although I think it was a nice night I got worse. I think maybe it was that they were all engaged, but it's not true because not all of them were, I'm pretty far ahead in life, I have my own house, an office job, I work out, etcetera, I think I'm a very high functioning suicide, but I did all these to escape, in an effort to get away from a toxic environment that stripped too much out of me, at this point I don't even think it was worth it. I lost myself in the process and I don't think there's any way of gaining myself back, I'm void, but there really wasn't any other way. I can't even fathom starting to form a deep human connection at this point because all that I've been through in solitude is now calcified inside of me in a way, there is no release in telling someone, if even I could find someone who would listen, no soothing of pain. I am only a distant shadow in a way. I feel very alone right now, like I haven't felt in years. My day of death is next year, I have to wait so that the insurance will give money to my family to clear out the mortgage and all, I haven't even been able to find a decent method. In a way I don't feel defeated, I feel very guilty because that's a constant feeling in my life, but I'm sure I did everything, like everything, and everything still turned out in a nightmare of the soul.