mortisnuntius666
New Member
- Mar 17, 2025
- 4
I have now a way to buy SN from the Internet without anyone in my house finding it out, but I still feel, I don't know the right word, afraid, maybe? Even though it's easy, and I have the money for everything, I'm apprehensive: when I conceived it and noticed how easy it is, I felt so relieved, but now I feel kinda burdened by it. Why can't there be a way to die that requires no planning? I would feel so relieved and liberated knowing I can die at any moment without pain, without spending money, and without planning at least one month ahead.
What bothers me the most is that I don't have a job; even though I have enough money to buy and rent everything, I would feel a lot more comfortable and less afraid if I had a job. I have attended some job interviews this year, but failed at all of them; one of which was a perfect opportunity at an company in my town, and I didn't get it only for being nervous; another was a scholarship with a company my university is partnering with, I was hopeful, but failed. I'm looking for underemployment jobs at my town and the nearby wannabe metropolis, but the future isn't looking bright (for now.)
Another thing that bothers me are the ifs: what if there's a problem with the delivery? what if someone finds the suspicious-looking white powder? I wonder if these will go away when - or if - I put the plan in motion, since all are almost impossible.
One final detail I haven't decided is when I will do it; after all, the day I die needs to be a special one. My first plan was to do it in june or july (I think I can't say why, for it would give an idea of where I live); I would spend my last days joyfully, and then would end it all. But it occurred to me that, by leaving it for my birthday, in the beginning of the next year, I would spend more time with my family and have many more opportunities to be with my friends (there are very few of them, but I love them so much! :) This contributes to my fear: what if I buy it now, but later decide I will die next year? Will those sweet and tender moments be worth all the bad things? Should I wait and get a job first, or buy it now? It's an easy plan, and the possibility of failure is small, but I still feel so... I don't know. Man, I wish there were an accessible, painless way to go, or that I had the courage to do it the old fashioned way; knowing it would be so liberating and relieving... I want so much to feel or hear something, but I don't know what it is.
Sorry for the rant, but I needed to express these feelings; this isn't something I can just tell to a friend, since doing so would possibly ruin my plan. If you have any tips or advise, please share it: I need help! Thank you.
What bothers me the most is that I don't have a job; even though I have enough money to buy and rent everything, I would feel a lot more comfortable and less afraid if I had a job. I have attended some job interviews this year, but failed at all of them; one of which was a perfect opportunity at an company in my town, and I didn't get it only for being nervous; another was a scholarship with a company my university is partnering with, I was hopeful, but failed. I'm looking for underemployment jobs at my town and the nearby wannabe metropolis, but the future isn't looking bright (for now.)
Another thing that bothers me are the ifs: what if there's a problem with the delivery? what if someone finds the suspicious-looking white powder? I wonder if these will go away when - or if - I put the plan in motion, since all are almost impossible.
One final detail I haven't decided is when I will do it; after all, the day I die needs to be a special one. My first plan was to do it in june or july (I think I can't say why, for it would give an idea of where I live); I would spend my last days joyfully, and then would end it all. But it occurred to me that, by leaving it for my birthday, in the beginning of the next year, I would spend more time with my family and have many more opportunities to be with my friends (there are very few of them, but I love them so much! :) This contributes to my fear: what if I buy it now, but later decide I will die next year? Will those sweet and tender moments be worth all the bad things? Should I wait and get a job first, or buy it now? It's an easy plan, and the possibility of failure is small, but I still feel so... I don't know. Man, I wish there were an accessible, painless way to go, or that I had the courage to do it the old fashioned way; knowing it would be so liberating and relieving... I want so much to feel or hear something, but I don't know what it is.
Sorry for the rant, but I needed to express these feelings; this isn't something I can just tell to a friend, since doing so would possibly ruin my plan. If you have any tips or advise, please share it: I need help! Thank you.
