Got my dream job, yet still want to die incredibly bad. And I feel so selfish for it.

[maka]

My stupid SN got stuck in transit and has been there for a week. It was a pain scraping together the money to buy it. The process has been a long and anxious one, I ended up not being able to order it on time. If only it had come sooner, I wouldn't have been having this stupid dilemma.

I got offered a job that I really wanted since August yesterday, but if anything, it just made me feel so much worse.

I have responsibilities now. I have to go back to masking now. I run the risk of experiencing bullying in the workplace again, which is one of the reasons I wanted to die so much in the first place. I have to go back to socializing and talking to people again. I can't take naps during the day to comfort myself anymore. I have to start pretending that everything is okay again. I have to start watching my weight and what I eat again. I'm starting to feel self-conscious again. I fear getting jealous of my coworkers and my BPD symptoms flaring up again. I have to start taking meds again so that doesn't happen again. I hate the feeling of swallowing all of those pills. I have to start leaving the house again. The only place where I didn't feel judged and felt safe.

I am grateful that I got an opportunity at life, to fix my finances, etc. But I hate working so much. I hate being outside and socializing so much. And worst of all, I had no one to celebrate the good news with. Getting my dream job means nothing when I am still so incredibly lonely. Working a 9-5 would only mean something to me if I had someone to come home to. Someone to get me through the day when I am stressed. Someone to live for and look forward to.

And I feel so selfish because I know how many people are looking for jobs. I feel sorry for all of the people that I beat out, that didn't get it. Maybe it was their dream job too. Someone like me didn't deserve it. There are so many better people out there. I have to take it because I haven't been able to land anything else since February and have 11$ left to my name with two months of unpaid rent. But the thought that I should have turned it down and given it to someone who deserved it more still lingers in my head. Now that I have responsibilities, I can't die and that irritates me. I hate that even when I'm suicidal I'm still a people pleaser, I don't want to let them down, they didn't do anything to me. Maybe there was a reason my SN got stuck in transit. It better have been worth it. It's going to be hard living with it sitting around my house when I'm so desperate to use it. I was so excited. Yet my stupid false illusion of hope is getting in the way now and making me feel like things will get better. I already know they won't because they never have. But I can't help but feel bad for the others still. I really don't look forward to having to talk to people again. 8 hours a day. 5 days a week. The fear of being bullied for being autistic at work again makes me want to die and I haven't even started the job yet. I'm so scared. And I hate this so much.

 

[daley]

Sorry to hear about your situation and fear of the new job.

But getting the work in itself is a good thing isn't it? In some sense, you have more options.
You can afford to keep on living if you choose. If you get the SN you can still use it
anytime you want. Think of it as insurance instead of as something weighing you down.

IMO, you are thinking too much about other people. The people that didn't get the job that you got.
Thinking about disappointing your employers. Why not just think about yourself? It's OK to be selfish.
How can you practice being more selfish? I don't know.

I wish you well.
Hang in there.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Congrats on landing your dream job! That is quite a big thing, especially coming from someone living through such hard circumstances. I want to personally congratulate you on achieving that milestone, I'm proud of you

It is very stressful to start a new job as is, let alone when we have other worries on top of it. It's easier said than done, but if you're indecisive and your SN isn't here yet anyways, maybe trying out that job can be a good thing. If after the initial resistance and stress you find that the job is good and the people are nice, then that can give you some other things to look forward to. If it turns out the job isn't great and things become worse, then that's more info to help you decide on what to do next.

It looks to me like you're currently at a crossroad trying to make a decision when you don't yet have all the information. Giving a trial run of that job, will provide information for you to decide on the next step for your life.

Don't feel bad for landing that job when you're suicidal, that has nothing to do with the reason why you landed that job - they found you the most skilled person for the job. You landed that job due to your own merit, being suicidal or not has no bearing in it. Be proud of that achievement, it really is something big and showcases a ton about you, having the strength and the capacity to continue despite all odds. Again, I'm very proud of you, don't diminish your achievements. You got the job, you were the best for it, you deserve the recognition.

 

[maka]

Congrats on landing your dream job! That is quite a big thing, especially coming from someone living through such hard circumstances. I want to personally congratulate you on achieving that milestone, I'm proud of you

It is very stressful to start a new job as is, let alone when we have other worries on top of it. It's easier said than done, but if you're indecisive and your SN isn't here yet anyways, maybe trying out that job can be a good thing. If after the initial resistance and stress you find that the job is good and the people are nice, then that can give you some other things to look forward to. If it turns out the job isn't great and things become worse, then that's more info to help you decide on what to do next.

It looks to me like you're currently at a crossroad trying to make a decision when you don't yet have all the information. Giving a trial run of that job, will provide information for you to decide on the next step for your life.

Don't feel bad for landing that job when you're suicidal, that has nothing to do with the reason why you landed that job - they found you the most skilled person for the job. You landed that job due to your own merit, being suicidal or not has no bearing in it. Be proud of that achievement, it really is something big and showcases a ton about you, having the strength and the capacity to continue despite all odds. Again, I'm very proud of you, don't diminish your achievements. You got the job, you were the best for it, you deserve the recognition.

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words. I just have a really hard time being humble, I guess it mainly has to do with self-worth, which is something I have to work on.

I'm also lowkey traumatized by my old job, because it was my first adult/full time job and the first time that I experienced how difficult being autistic in the real world is. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but the bullying was so bad that I keep thinking, what if the people at this new job end up hating me too? I know I complain so much, but I feel like being autistic has made me such a burden, it affects me so much that I feel insufferable to others but don't know how to act better. It's something I'm still trying to fix about myself.

Thank you so much again for being kind, though. I truly appreciate it :)

Sorry to hear about your situation and fear of the new job.

But getting the work in itself is a good thing isn't it? In some sense, you have more options.
You can afford to keep on living if you choose. If you get the SN you can still use it
anytime you want. Think of it as insurance instead of as something weighing you down.

IMO, you are thinking too much about other people. The people that didn't get the job that you got.
Thinking about disappointing your employers. Why not just think about yourself? It's OK to be selfish.
How can you practice being more selfish? I don't know.

I wish you well.
Hang in there.

Thank you, I really appreciate it <3

I guess I'm just feeling guilty for being ungrateful, but also can't find joy in the positives of this outcome. Also being selfish is the one thing I have always been told I need to learn but can never bring myself to do. I'm such a sucker for people haha. But you're definitely right, I have to learn eventually, I just want to be able to stay kind when I figure it out.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words. I just have a really hard time being humble, I guess it mainly has to do with self-worth, which is something I have to work on.

I'm also lowkey traumatized by my old job, because it was my first adult/full time job and the first time that I experienced how difficult being autistic in the real world is. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but the bullying was so bad that I keep thinking, what if the people at this new job end up hating me too? I know I complain so much, but I feel like being autistic has made me such a burden, it affects me so much that I feel insufferable to others but don't know how to act better. It's something I'm still trying to fix about myself.

Thank you so much again for being kind, though. I truly appreciate it :)

I understand being traumatized from a past job. Being bullied for being autistic is despicable, if that ever happens again I strongly encourage you to go to HR.
I was sexually harassed by a male co-worker at my first ever job, I complained about it and the boss gave excuses of "don't mind him, he's just a teenager at heart, he is like that with all women". After that response, I left.

It took me a couple of jobs until I landed in one where neurodivergent people are treated with respect and celebrated. Some of the co-workers I admire are autistic or have ADHD or some other kind of neurodivergence and they are incredibly talented. Don't let anyone diminish you because of who you are and if you're ever at a place where you're mistreated, complain to HR, if nothing changes, leave. Your health is more important than some job.

I hope this job treats you very well and I hope you never experience bullying or harassment again, I truly wish you the best

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Get on the Adderall train and be the workplace rockstar