I try to stay positive. I try to stay on a somewhat recovery. I don't know whether it is the heat. The fact I don't get any likes on dating apps and when I get a match the woman does not respond. I am still going through that converation with the quantum physist I met in clinic 5 years ago- To sum it up it made my self-loathing much worse. I am not as smart as I wish to be and he told me to listen to my therapists. But my therapists gave me up. And I still feel horrible.
I want to kill myself so fucking bad. I watched these gruesome videos on Youtube about the 764 community and in some ways it felt like self-harm. Also thinking that many people would put SaSu in the same category. I could easily see this Youtuber about creepy sides of the internet makes one day a video about Sanctioned Suicide.
Some days ago I went for a walk 1,5 hours. My mom wondered were I was. (I am 27 and NEET don't worry about me being a minor). But she panicked and cried and thought I might have killed myself and I lie dead in my apartment or went for throwing myself in front of a train. It was hard to see her crying like that. I lied to my mom about the details what happened last October when my friends called the police to stop me from committing suicide. I could imagine she read the clinic report without telling me. It is in a binder with important documents where she has access to.
I don't know what to do. I have to play this game for my parents. I barely have responsibilities. I have enough money for now. But probably not in the future. But I am still so fucking sad. In the end college was torture and drove me almost over the edge. But doing nothing still feels horrible. I know I don't have a future. The moment my mom dies I gonna kill myself. I think if I had SN at home I would do it earlier. I bought it in April 2024 and almost took it in October. I think the almost attempt desensitized me. I had my mouth at the glass full with SN when the police knocked on my door. I think it was the right thing to do from my friends to call the police. I would have put them in a lot of stress. They promised me to never call the police no matter what...but in practice? I am still not angry. I think they would have probably been in legal trouble if they did not intervene. I am not sure whether I would have had the capacities to delete the chat. I did not want to be alone in this moment and deleting the chat would have been another emotional burden. Is SN still accessible in Europe? I am from Germany and ordered it from a country in East Europe. It was pretty easy and cheap.
I considered to go to a sex worker because I feel so touch starved. I never went to one. And I thought maybe it could postpone my suicide. So I looked up some sex-workers and seemigly it is recommended to read reviews before choosing someone. And the reviews are so disgusting and loathsome. The way these men talk about these sex workers is despicable. I only read a few but holy shit I don't know whether I want that on my conscience. I don't know whether I really felt better afterwards or if my self-loathing just became worse. I am really not sure on the impact on me. The thing was if I am already on the edge of suicide it cannot make the things much worse and it is something I never tried and wish to experience. Though the sex workers I looked up offer sex without protection. I think I would be fucking anxious as fuck to get an STD. It would make me freak out. Some months ago I kissed a woman and we got a little bit intimate and she had lip herpes. I was so fucking scared to have lip herpes. I even went to a doctor. I was so anxious and really paranoid.
I just wish every single day a miracle to happen. I just think over and over about the sentences of the quantum physics professor an expert on futurology that we cannot predict future with absolute certainty. We cannot see into the future with absolute certainty.. This was one of axioms. However, another axiom trust in experts/therapists sort of contradicts the first axiom. My therapists gave me up. Two of them already. And my current therapist wanted to drop me. I had to convince her that not all hope is lost. And it feels really really bad having to do that. I needed someone who gives me hope. I think it is difficult to find solutions for my problems. But just last year I achieved getting a passive income over a few hundred Euros monthly. Then I met this woman on a dating app and we had an amazing time together. It is really hard though not to lose hope.
I am on a different plattform. There is also a dating category and men can also read your posts. And there is often bullying happening. In general there are so many toxic assholes on this platform. But some people said they found their partner on there. I have read way worse comments than the comment on my post. But people can be so despicable anonymous on the internet. Some made fun of my post but these people are human trash. After a pretty normal dating post where someone introduced himself a different person posted. "Why are you wasting your time? Simply go to a whore!" I mean WTF. The comment on my post was pretty harmless compared to that. Man....humankind is sickening.
Okay cool I cannot believe it. Two new notifications. A new match on a Dating app and she texted me first. Further, on the other app where they mocked me a woman is interested in me. Now a second one. I have to text with 3 women at the same time. And I think I already have fucked it up with one. OVERTHINKING HIGH MAX!
There is one weird thing though. I never swiped the woman from that dating app. And we already have a match. I had to swipe her but I don't have any likes for today. I think it is a bug. Do they want to bait me into paying money? I hope the match won't be deleted...fuck you playing with my feelings greedy companies.
I want to kill myself so fucking bad. I watched these gruesome videos on Youtube about the 764 community and in some ways it felt like self-harm. Also thinking that many people would put SaSu in the same category. I could easily see this Youtuber about creepy sides of the internet makes one day a video about Sanctioned Suicide.
Some days ago I went for a walk 1,5 hours. My mom wondered were I was. (I am 27 and NEET don't worry about me being a minor). But she panicked and cried and thought I might have killed myself and I lie dead in my apartment or went for throwing myself in front of a train. It was hard to see her crying like that. I lied to my mom about the details what happened last October when my friends called the police to stop me from committing suicide. I could imagine she read the clinic report without telling me. It is in a binder with important documents where she has access to.
I don't know what to do. I have to play this game for my parents. I barely have responsibilities. I have enough money for now. But probably not in the future. But I am still so fucking sad. In the end college was torture and drove me almost over the edge. But doing nothing still feels horrible. I know I don't have a future. The moment my mom dies I gonna kill myself. I think if I had SN at home I would do it earlier. I bought it in April 2024 and almost took it in October. I think the almost attempt desensitized me. I had my mouth at the glass full with SN when the police knocked on my door. I think it was the right thing to do from my friends to call the police. I would have put them in a lot of stress. They promised me to never call the police no matter what...but in practice? I am still not angry. I think they would have probably been in legal trouble if they did not intervene. I am not sure whether I would have had the capacities to delete the chat. I did not want to be alone in this moment and deleting the chat would have been another emotional burden. Is SN still accessible in Europe? I am from Germany and ordered it from a country in East Europe. It was pretty easy and cheap.
I considered to go to a sex worker because I feel so touch starved. I never went to one. And I thought maybe it could postpone my suicide. So I looked up some sex-workers and seemigly it is recommended to read reviews before choosing someone. And the reviews are so disgusting and loathsome. The way these men talk about these sex workers is despicable. I only read a few but holy shit I don't know whether I want that on my conscience. I don't know whether I really felt better afterwards or if my self-loathing just became worse. I am really not sure on the impact on me. The thing was if I am already on the edge of suicide it cannot make the things much worse and it is something I never tried and wish to experience. Though the sex workers I looked up offer sex without protection. I think I would be fucking anxious as fuck to get an STD. It would make me freak out. Some months ago I kissed a woman and we got a little bit intimate and she had lip herpes. I was so fucking scared to have lip herpes. I even went to a doctor. I was so anxious and really paranoid.
I just wish every single day a miracle to happen. I just think over and over about the sentences of the quantum physics professor an expert on futurology that we cannot predict future with absolute certainty. We cannot see into the future with absolute certainty.. This was one of axioms. However, another axiom trust in experts/therapists sort of contradicts the first axiom. My therapists gave me up. Two of them already. And my current therapist wanted to drop me. I had to convince her that not all hope is lost. And it feels really really bad having to do that. I needed someone who gives me hope. I think it is difficult to find solutions for my problems. But just last year I achieved getting a passive income over a few hundred Euros monthly. Then I met this woman on a dating app and we had an amazing time together. It is really hard though not to lose hope.
I am on a different plattform. There is also a dating category and men can also read your posts. And there is often bullying happening. In general there are so many toxic assholes on this platform. But some people said they found their partner on there. I have read way worse comments than the comment on my post. But people can be so despicable anonymous on the internet. Some made fun of my post but these people are human trash. After a pretty normal dating post where someone introduced himself a different person posted. "Why are you wasting your time? Simply go to a whore!" I mean WTF. The comment on my post was pretty harmless compared to that. Man....humankind is sickening.
Okay cool I cannot believe it. Two new notifications. A new match on a Dating app and she texted me first. Further, on the other app where they mocked me a woman is interested in me. Now a second one. I have to text with 3 women at the same time. And I think I already have fucked it up with one. OVERTHINKING HIGH MAX!
There is one weird thing though. I never swiped the woman from that dating app. And we already have a match. I had to swipe her but I don't have any likes for today. I think it is a bug. Do they want to bait me into paying money? I hope the match won't be deleted...fuck you playing with my feelings greedy companies.
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