Goodbye

[DearAgony]

Hopefully the pain is not too bad but I'm sure it's a traumatizing event regardless. Feel free to PM me if youd like to chat.

I meant my normal pain. Constant migraines bad enough to make me throw up and neck pain from breaking it when I was little. The pain from the noose is nothing in comparison, for sure.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Glad to hear you are doing ok. I hope you find comfort here. You are not alone.

 

[somerandomguy1]

We are here for you. If you want to talk, I am here for you. You can add me on discord

somerandomguy_00000
that's my id for discord. Let's talk or chat if you want to, let's navigate through this as a whole

I meant my normal pain. Constant migraines bad enough to make me throw up and neck pain from breaking it when I was little. The pain from the noose is nothing in comparison, for sure.

I have had two failed attempts while hanging and I think I still have some very light marks on my neckline. Both the times i failed because the rope was not tightened enough and I did not follow the method properly. This wad when I was 19. After that, I tried drowning, but people pulled me out. It wasn't easy for me so I want to hug you in this moment because I know what you are feeling and going through. Please eat something and have enough water. You can maybe take an off from work today and rest for a bit.

 

[temperance]

I was going to make a goodbye thread and vent about all the loneliness, physical pain, trauma, psychological abuse and self-loathing. But I think that energy is better spent on just saying how much I appreciated having this site and its members around in my final weeks. I haven't been around long at all, but in the short time I've been here I felt welcomed and understood. Y'all are the best. But my time has come to an end. My last thoughts will be of all of you. I'm taking you into eternity with me, whether you like it or not. (Metaphorically, of course)

They say life is a highway. That makes the body a vehicle... And tonight, I'm turning in the keys.

I love you all. Goodbye.

You will rest now.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Well, I'm still here. I failed myself, I failed you. I'm sorry.

After fighting with getting the right positioning and fighting SI, I finally slipped off into unconsciousness... only to wake up on the floor, my anchor pulled from the wall. I'm not sure if it was weakened from all the attempts or my convulsions being erratic and violent, or maybe both. It also wasn't in a stud, which I didn't know until I looked into the hole it left.

Either way, I felt defeated and exhausted. So I went to sleep right there on the floor with the rope still around my neck. I woke up about a half hour ago and I've just been laying there thinking. I had an epiphany on that floor. I might not have anyone's love in real life, but I do have all of the people on this site. Why am I wanting to die when I finally have what I've wanted all along (sort of)?

Although, now I have to go try and get my job back. I also have this nasty rope burn on my neck. But I'll figure it out. Thanks for all the blessings and well-wishes. It really means the world to me.

TL/DR: I'm still here. Anchor pulled from the wall. Going to be sticking around for a bit.

You didn't fail anyone. You didn't goad or cry wolf. It is not easy to CTB.

I made a very detailed goodbye thread documenting all the preparation I executed and all the affairs I put in order on my old account. I tried to bang myself from a tree. I'm still here.

I went to the Er because I was in a public park at 7 am and left suicide notes and sent letters to people. I also emailed the police. I didn't want to deal with being found by the authorities so I turned myself in to the ER to check for damage.

Nope. None. Well, minus a bruise like you, and I was in a lot of pain for a day or two. Waking up on the ground is so terrifying. Did it take you a second to remember where you were and what had just happened as well?

I was convinced everyone was going to be pissed at me and assumed I attempted for attention and basically played a ruse or a prank. Nope. To my dismay, people were relieved I survived, including the kind folk on this forum! So much for the death cult stereotype.

I'm happy you experienced no serious damage. Wear a necklace for now, and good luck getting your job back. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me.

 

[Peaceful Departure]

Yeah, I was at least lucky that I don't have damage from it other than from the rope itself, and that'll heal up pretty quickly. I'm still very much in pain and lost in my own mind. But I suppose for at least a little while, it's worth dealing with it to hang out here with all of you.

I'm glad you're in good spirits in spite of what happened. Would be happy to chat if you're interested.

Also glad you're giving life another chance. You only get to successfully ctb once, but you can give life another shot as many times as you'd like.

 

[アホペンギン]

I'm sorry you failed, I know how unbearable it is to realize that you failed and I'm sorry you had to experience that. I hope you manage to find what you are searching for, soon. Best wishes and much love.

 

[Foreverix]

Good luck getting your job back. You mentioned elsewhere that you're a driver, so I don't think you'll have much trouble getting back in the truck. And if it doesn't work out, plenty of other opportunities out there with a CDL. But you already know that.

I was an OTR trucker until the start of last year. Had been driving for 5 years until I had enough and quit. Then I got home to a new apartment, money saved, no debt, and ready to find a "normal" job. I didn't realize how much being on the road actually kept me together. I had issues out there too, but it seems like once I came home for good, I just completely lost all motivation and hope and fell apart. Not to mention going from driving to being one of the warehouse workers is pretty depressing.

Like you, I'm in my thirties, and while I do interact with my family a little bit, I have no friends or relationships apart from them. Living alone at this stage in life is hard enough, being a truck driver on top of that takes its own special toll. I'm sorry you didn't get the outcome you were looking for last night, and I hope you find your way. It's always nice to find posts on here from people I can kind of relate to, so thanks for posting!

 

[ManByTheRiver]

I'm happy for you, even if the epiphany had to come from such an awful place. I wish you the best of luck on the job hunt and in general.

 

[wildflowers1996]

you haven't failed ANYONE
I'm really sorry it sounds like a traumatic experience I was thinking of you and hoping you were okay :( and I'm glad you're planning to stay here, at least for a while; we're here for you
I'm sorry you have the rope burn too :( I'm glad you think it will heal quickly - do you need any medical attention for it?

I really hope you're able to get your job back and I'm sending you love and will message you too x

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you failed your attempt but that's not a big issue. Don't be too hard to yourself. I hope you're doing ok and I wish you a well and quick recovery whatever you decide to do.

 

[SVEN]

Maybe also have a look in the Recovery section, if it's not a place you have frequently visited before. You'll get to meet a lot of folk who can encourage and support you when the bad times come.

 

[DearAgony]

Well, I called dispatch and it turns out they never let me go, officially. I signed the papers and everything, but they never sent them into corporate. He just said "I knew you'd be back!" I've never felt so called out by something so innocuous. Lol

I really wish I had the energy or the will to respond to everyone individually, just know that I've read and will continue to read every word posted in this thread. Thank you all so much for everything. (Oh dear, it almost sounds like I'm starting another goodbye post, lol)

As for the bruising and such on my neck, I wear collared shirts at work, so I can just flip the collar up and I'm good. I'll look like an absolute psychopath wearing it that way, but it is what it is.

Also, to @Cloud Busting who asked about what it was like waking up on the ground after. It was surreal, like a dream. My face flat on the floor and all I could think was... am I dead? Alive? I was expecting to get up and still see my body on the floor. Then I realized I could feel the carpet against my face and realized I failed. The carpet was quite wet with tears when I finally got myself up.

 

[sincerelysad]

Well, I'm still here. I failed myself, I failed you. I'm sorry.

After fighting with getting the right positioning and fighting SI, I finally slipped off into unconsciousness... only to wake up on the floor, my anchor pulled from the wall. I'm not sure if it was weakened from all the attempts or my convulsions being erratic and violent, or maybe both. It also wasn't in a stud, which I didn't know until I looked into the hole it left.

Either way, I felt defeated and exhausted. So I went to sleep right there on the floor with the rope still around my neck. I woke up about a half hour ago and I've just been laying there thinking. I had an epiphany on that floor. I might not have anyone's love in real life, but I do have all of the people on this site. Why am I wanting to die when I finally have what I've wanted all along (sort of)?

Although, now I have to go try and get my job back. I also have this nasty rope burn on my neck. But I'll figure it out. Thanks for all the blessings and well-wishes. It really means the world to me.

TL/DR: I'm still here. Anchor pulled from the wall. Going to be sticking around for a bit.

so glad to see you still here and thinking about things. we love you so much and we're all glad you're here. you didn't fail any of us, and you didn't fail yourself because your attempt didn't work out.

I love you and I hope you're okay. here to dm or talk if you ever need someone <33

 

[voyager]

Taking us into eternity with you... hehe cute. Glad you're okay though and presume you're going to stay, but was gonna say the same thing anyhow, take care of yourself and good luck with whatever happens next.

Epiphanies are indeed very interesting, had one five years ago and am kinda hoping for one when all of this ends, mostly on what all of this was about.

 

[roguetrader]

Good thing your job resignation was easily reversed. At least you didn't give notice to your landlord that you'd be leaving your apartment too

 

[Cloud Busting]

@DearAgony

I'm sorry it took me so long to respond.

I'm so glad your job wasn't terminated! I'm also glad you're able to conceal the ligature mark. I hope you're doing well and have recovered from your injury nicely. Don't worry about not responding. You've been through a lot.

When I regained consciousness it took me awhile to remember where I was and realize I failed. It was trippy.

 

[Lostman1029]

Glad you're doing ok for now, friend. Wishing the best for you while you figure out what's next.

 

[letmebee1]

I miss you and you know who I am :)

 

[Vesiira]

I hope you're doing okay, friend. It's okay to fail, we don't all get it right. I'm glad you're still here, but I know failing at what we want to control can hurt a lot too. All you want is peace and it feels like it was taken away. I hope you're feeling something good right now. Sending love.