Method Goodbye thread (CTB tonight - in the next 5-6 hours)

[crystalskies31]

Hi Everyone,

I am posting my goodbye thread.

I have tested my SN (from IC) using the blood test and believe it is the real deal.

My things are packed, and ready to go to the chain hotel. Here is my plan:

I will be wearing casual clothes.
Fasting at least 8 hours before (started today, 11.30 am). Will try to CTB after 8 pm (UK/EUR time)
No water/liquids, 2 hours before.
I will take minimal medication: a normal dose of Buccastem before (I still need to buy this on the way), a little paracetamol, and some antacid.
As far as I can tell, these will give me minimal side effects.
I will make 3 glasses, 20 g each.
I will drink with a straw, maybe with white chocolate or lollipop in between.

I am psychologically ready to feel pain for up to 20 minutes, and not phone ambulance etc.

In preparation, I tried mixing 25 g normal salt with 50 ml water in a similar way to SN, so I have some ideas of the actions to take. (Fun fact: it won't all dissolve, and tastes awful)

I have no qualms or doubts about deciding to CTB. I have waited on purpose to make sure of this. My only concerns are making a noise vomiting / being found (I'm going to try to ask if I can be in a room away from others), being in pain/anxious, and throwing it up (and not being able to get the 2nd glass or something). I have booked for several nights just in case. I also only have 100g of it; it would not be enough to make 3 glasses for a 2nd attempt, which is annoying, but I could make two.

I had ordered some benzo's and was hoping to take them but they have still not arrived. I am going to go ahead without them, unfortunately.

Currently, I'm feeling ok about it. I feel a bit annoyed at having to be hungry. The hardest part will be not drinking much for 2 hours before. I wish that this was easier.

I am hoping that I will get "lucky": drink one glass, maybe throw up a bit, drink second one, pass out, and no-one finds me.
Not sure what time to do it; feel like it might make sense to wait til it's dark, but I feel like in a hotel, it maybe doesn't matter if you go at 8 pm or midnight, as I can't predict the noise levels, anyways. It's a weeknight, so I don't really know if that makes it better or worse.

I'm keeping my thoughts to myself. I am grateful for everyone's assistance on the forum for making this as painless as it can be.
If you are able, please chat with me or post here or let me know if I can PM you. I think being on the general chat would be overwhelming but I could PM one person, perhaps (haven't decided). I am nervous, that when the time comes, something will go wrong.

I have not written a note. I did have one explaining who should have what stuff of mine, but I mislaid it. If I'm able to/have time, I will write a quick one as I only have one last request.

If anyone has any advice, also please write. If there's something I can do to be helpful, please say.

Thank you.

 

[Medicmedic72]

I have no life, no friends, nothing to do. For some reason I am super sleepy today, but I could chat for a bit if you want.

 

[Julgran]

I will make 3 glasses, 20 mg each.

I wish you good luck!

However, make sure you put 20 g into each glass, and not 20 mg - if it's SN that you are taking.

 

[crystalskies31]

I wish you good luck!

However, make sure you put 20 g into each glass, and not 20 mg - if it's SN that you are taking.

Hahaha yes this is what I meant

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you relief from suffering in whatever you decide to do, and I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you.

 

[Tiemblo]

I will find my relief today too.

 

[crystalskies31]

Update: currently catching a (literal) bus to the place. Anxiety is huge - not because of CTB, but because I suffer from enormous anxiety in urban areas in general.

My other main anxiety is being found or caught (and it being somehow my fault). I really can't stay here in this world any more. It would be too terrifying: my health is failing and I don't really have a family.

For those reasons I had previously hoped to book a whole flat far away but I'm hoping this hotel will be ok as I can't wait.

I'm sure once I get there I'll feel calmer.

I also feel joy at the idea of being able to pass peacefully, but I guess I won't know until the final moments… I just really, really hope I won't be found.

 

[Darkover]

sorry it's come to you ending your life, may peace be with you r.i.p

 

[Deleted member 31858]

I hope you find peace. Try to stay calm. Did you get benzo? We are here for you

 

[y0dha]

I wish you good luck as well,
How are you doing now?

 

[wljourney]

Wishing you a safe and peaceful journey. I'll be here and checking in on how you're doing. You are not alone.

 

[crystalskies31]

I wish you good luck as well,
How are you doing now?

I hope you find peace. Try to stay calm. Did you get benzo? We are here for you

sorry it's come to you ending your life, may peace be with you r.i.p

I wish you good luck!

However, make sure you put 20 g into each glass, and not 20 mg - if it's SN that you are taking.

I have no life, no friends, nothing to do. For some reason I am super sleepy today, but I could chat for a bit if you want.

Hi,

Thank you all for your messages.

I'm in the room now.
First of all, I'm so grateful to you all for being there. It's been really nerve-wracking, and I'm also terrified of being discovered or the attempt failing, as I really must CTB.

I need some advice on covering up the sounds in case I vomit etc.

First of all, is it likely to be very loud?

Basically, I requested a room near the end of a corridor, a 'quiet' area. They couldn't give me a high up one though.
Anyway, I checked the sound proofing. I don't know how bad it is between rooms, but you can hear EVERYTHING through the door. I tried playing music and an audiobook.

Questions:

1. What time do you think would be best to CTB when no-one is bound to be outside and hear?
2. Should I put something on, like TV or white noise or a podcast, while doing it? Or might that actually attract attention from people if it's disruptive at night?

Part of me is like: We should abort this because what if we get saved. But another part of me is like, I think it'll be fine. How loud can vomiting be, right? Really? And also, sure I could cancel this and go back to my plan of booking a whole flat for a week somewhere, but it just seems excessive and difficult/expensive and I'd rather do it in a hotel.

So, my current plan is not to turn on anything and to just do it, ideally later at night.

It is very quiet here.

Any thoughts?

Wishing you a safe and peaceful journey. I'll be here and checking in on how you're doing. You are not alone.

Thank you! Please see my latest message! Would appreciate thoughts

 

[wljourney]

Putting on music or the TV should be sufficient. Don't turn it on too loud so people don't start complaining after 10 pm.

Time wise I would go with any time that you feel you are ready.
Noise will be noticed more when everyone else is asleep, so I wouldn't wait until late at night.
During the day (day before 10 pm) people won't recognize noises as loud as they might seem when everyone else is quiet.

 

[September5th]

Wow, you're actually doing it. You're a brave person, dude. I can't bring myself to do it. You're strong. If that's your choice, I hope everything goes well. You're gonna be alright no matter what. Listen to some music and relax.
If you change your mind, go back home and rethink your life. If don't, safe journey to nonexistence.

 

[crystalskies31]

Putting on music or the TV should be sufficient. Don't turn it on too loud so people don't start complaining after 10 pm.

Time wise I would go with any time that you feel you are ready.
Noise will be noticed more when everyone else is asleep, so I wouldn't wait until late at night.
During the day (day before 10 pm) people won't recognize noises as loud as they might seem when everyone else is quiet.

OK, worth bearing in mind it is already super deadly quiet in the area that I am staying in (and I have a few hours before 10 pm).

Wow, you're actually doing it. You're a brave person, dude. I can't bring myself to do it. You're strong. If that's your choice, I hope everything goes well. You're gonna be alright no matter what. Listen to some music and relax.
If you change your mind, go back home and rethink your life. If don't, safe journey to nonexistence.

Thanks for your message!
I have no doubts about doing it but I just don't want to be caught.

 

[wljourney]

You could keep the light and ventilation in the bathroom on. That works well as white noise in my experience.

 

[crystalskies31]

Putting on music or the TV should be sufficient. Don't turn it on too loud so people don't start complaining after 10 pm.

Time wise I would go with any time that you feel you are ready.
Noise will be noticed more when everyone else is asleep, so I wouldn't wait until late at night.
During the day (day before 10 pm) people won't recognize noises as loud as they might seem when everyone else is quiet.

Do you think it might be a good idea to do it quite soon. If I put the TV on quietly at around 9 pm-10pm?
Have I left it abit late (nearly half past 7 now)? I don't want to attract anyone by noise.

Maybe i'll test it now so it's on quietly. I've read failed attempts where they were found because they left it on too loud.
I've also read about people moaning loudly.

I really hope I am not mad to do it in this way. And that it wasn't a mistake to just get a normal hotel. Hopefully this will not be my only chance to CTB (I mean, hopefully I'll be successful but if not, I would try again). I feel like it should be possible this way.

I will also look at threads relating to noise. Thank you

Wow, you're actually doing it. You're a brave person, dude. I can't bring myself to do it. You're strong. If that's your choice, I hope everything goes well. You're gonna be alright no matter what. Listen to some music and relax.
If you change your mind, go back home and rethink your life. If don't, safe journey to nonexistence.

I would say that my life has now become a living hell; so I have to do it.
It's 100% my choice. I just wish to not be found.

 

[wljourney]

The hotel should be fine. And your anxiety about noises won't change much if you are in a rented flat. There will be neighbours too and IME guests in hotels care less about someone making a bit of noise than people who live in a flat next to an airBnB.

 

[~Q~]

if your tv has netflix or something it will auto shut off after a couple episodes just put on something youve already seen so you can relax

safe journey
~Q

 

[crystalskies31]

if your tv has netflix or something it will auto shut off after a couple episodes just put on something youve already seen so you can relax

safe journey
~Q

Thank you, that's a good idea.
It doesn't have netflix, but I have my laptop here, so I can put something on that.
I just wish there was a way to do it with more peace. I really like peace and quiet. Maybe I could even turn the TV and wear sound blocking headphones. Or simply just play something familiar on Netflix. Random news stories just make me even more anxious. (I have anxiety in general - not just about CTB).

 

[london3]

I wish you luck, try and relax and stay calm

Are you not taking an anti-emetic?

 

[crystalskies31]

I wish you luck, try and relax and stay calm

Are you not taking an anti-emetic?

I will take Buccastem.
I keep being scared there will be a fire alarm or something, ahha.

 

[london3]

I will take Buccastem.

ok

Your pain will be over soon, i wish you luck.

If you want to chat let me know

 

[peanuts]

Don't worry too much about noise vomiting, it's not going to be for long and a lot of people vomit for a variety of reasons.
I'm sorry you've had such a rough time, you'll find happiness soon enough where ever you land.

 

[crystalskies31]

ok

Your pain will be over soon, i wish you luck.

If you want to chat let me know

Thanks I PM'd

 

[Auto Immunity After]

I think its ok if you want to take a step back and take a breath and consider that this may not be the right time. Your anxiety is overwhelming you and you are in panic mode now. IF this does not happen today , you can regroup and decide what is best for your circumstances another day.

 

[crystalskies31]

I think its ok if you want to take a step back and take a breath and consider that this may not be the right time. Your anxiety is overwhelming you and you are in panic mode now. IF this does not happen today , you can regroup and decide what is best for your circumstances another day.

No, I am just this anxious constantly. This is the right time.
I am a bit worried if I don't do it soon though, it's going to get late at night, and won't be able to have the TV on.

 

[london3]

I am just chatting with OP, i hope it all goes well for him

 

[wljourney]

No, I am just this anxious constantly. This is the right time.
I am a bit worried if I don't do it soon though, it's going to get late at night, and won't be able to have the TV on.

Or you could extent your stay for another day and do it tomorrow during the day if that makes you feel calmer and safer.

Putting the do not disturb sign out will also help.

 

[crystalskies31]

Or you could extent your stay for another day and do it tomorrow during the day if that makes you feel calmer and safer.

Putting the do not disturb sign out will also help.

It's already booked for 2 days.
However, I would prefer to do it tonight.

Or you could extent your stay for another day and do it tomorrow during the day if that makes you feel calmer and safer.

Putting the do not disturb sign out will also help.

unless you think it will make a huge difference to do it in the day, in terms of TV/noise.
I will think about it myself.
It seems I'm getting a lot of conflicted advice on the noise issue. I will reflect on it myself.
Update: Thanks everyone. I'm going to go now.
If you don't hear from me again, please assume, that I have CTB.