Goodbye thread (ctb in 26 hours)

[chuerdhmproton]

how do you feel about the idea of ctb'ing now since your so close? what are you doing in the net few hours?
i'm not trying to interrogate you just making conversation :)

Honestly, I don't know how to describe what I am feeling right now. It is a mixed bag of so many different emotions, and they are battling each other so I only feel numbness right now. (I feel numb all the time so this is not unusual for me)

As for what I've been up to today, I tried to enjoy myself outside today since I usually just neet inside on the internet. Can't say I enjoyed walking around outside but it was a change of pace from my usual routine.

Also I completely forgot today is day of the dead, so I randomly encountered a celebration for it which was kinda cool.

Day of the dead... Haha I just realized irony of the situation. Funny that I am trying to cross over to the other side on this holiday

Edit:
For people that are unfamiliar with day of the dead, it is the most famous mexican holiday, I copy pasted a short description.

The annual Mexican celebration, Día de Muertos (Day of the Dead), is a time when families gather to honor and remember deceased loved ones. It is believed that the souls of the dead return to visit the living families in homes, businesses and cemeteries.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Hope I can say goodbye bc it's 1 am in my time zone rn so I'm getting a little bit tired but I'll let my alarm clock wake me up iiiffff I don't just sleep nevertheless and don't hear it. If that happens then I'll say Goodbye now so I dont forget it. Goodbye have a nice time until you catch the bus. But I'm on for at least half an hour or so, so I wanted to ask if all that emotions are more on the good or bad side? I dont think I can do smt to calm you but we're here and we all wish the best for you <3

 

[Loindelaterre]

I hope you find the peace and quiet you're looking for. Peace and happiness to you. Good-bye to you

I'll join you when I find the SN

 

[chuerdhmproton]

Hope I can say goodbye bc it's 1 am in my time zone rn so I'm getting a little bit tired but I'll let my alarm clock wake me up iiiffff I don't just sleep nevertheless and don't hear it. If that happens then I'll say Goodbye now so I dont forget it. Goodbye have a nice time until you catch the bus. But I'm on for at least half an hour or so, so I wanted to ask if all that emotions are more on the good or bad side? I dont think I can do smt to calm you but we're here and we all wish the best for you <3

Wow never expected people to care enough to lose sleep just to see my ctb journey, thanks a bunch.

I feel like there certainly are a lot of negative emotions going on inside of me right now, but I am subconsciously pushing away the negative emotions, because I know they can increase SI and mess everything up.
For example, there are small things I enjoy in life, and it kind of sucks that I won't be able to do those things anymore.

I think making this ctb thread and having some human interactions have calmed me down quite a bit, I imagine I would be a lot of panicked otherwise; so thanks again to everyone that took the time to read and/or comment, it help a lot.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

No problem of course I care since Im 100% sure you also deserve it. Just to make sure- do you really have no doubt doing it I mean idk but if they're things you enjoy doing then maybe it's not the time yet. Just wanted to make sure because yk I just don't want you to regret anything. But it's your choice and if you're doing it or not doing it I'll stand by your side and we'll all accept and support you in whatever you do <3

 

[PanaxMan]

Wow never expected people to care enough to lose sleep just to see my ctb journey, thanks a bunch.

I feel like there certainly are a lot of negative emotions going on inside of me right now, but I am subconsciously pushing away the negative emotions, because I know they can increase SI and mess everything up.
For example, there are small things I enjoy in life, and it kind of sucks that I won't be able to do those things anymore.

I think making this ctb thread and having some human interactions have calmed me down quite a bit, I imagine I would be a lot of panicked otherwise; so thanks again to everyone that took the time to read and/or comment, it help a lot.

I just doubted myself today, even though tomorrow will be hell for me. I 100% plan to CTB before the 15th. SO it takes time brother. I understand

 

[Kurai]

Best wishes good luck to you

 

[chuerdhmproton]

No problem of course I care since Im 100% sure you also deserve it. Just to make sure- do you really have no doubt doing it I mean idk but if they're things you enjoy doing then maybe it's not the time yet. Just wanted to make sure because yk I just don't want you to regret anything. But it's your choice and if you're doing it or not doing it I'll stand by your side and we'll all accept and support you in whatever you do <3

Yeah the small things I enjoy are not meaningful enough to stop me from ctb. They are things like just basic things, eating showering, sleeping, nothing substantial. If I had something substantial and meaningful I enjoyed doing, I would not ctb. I simply see no other way out than to ctb.

I just doubted myself today, even though tomorrow will be hell for me. I 100% plan to CTB before the 15th. SO it takes time brother. I understand

Good luck with your situation my friend. Nothing wrong with taking time and doubting, ctb is a big decision.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Yeah the small things I enjoy are not meaningful enough to stop me from ctb. They are things like just basic things, eating showering, sleeping, nothing substantial. If I had something substantial and meaningful I enjoyed doing, I would not ctb. I simply see no other way out than to ctb.

That's also ok. Yeah is eating is pretty nice I'd miss it too kinda xD. If you're having no doubt wich seems like it, then I wish you the best of luck and a safe journey. But maybe in the afterlife you can eat, shower and sleep too (that'd be really great) I really like the thought of an afterlife that is like this even if I'm an atheist. I'll light a candle for you when the time comes :) if I'm not too tired to handle fire and burn my whole city down but I got this. Candle is already set up

 

[PanaxMan]

Yeah the small things I enjoy are not meaningful enough to stop me from ctb. They are things like just basic things, eating showering, sleeping, nothing substantial. If I had something substantial and meaningful I enjoyed doing, I would not ctb. I simply see no other way out than to ctb.

Good luck with your situation my friend. Nothing wrong with taking time and doubting, ctb is a big decision.

Ye the longer I live, the more i will really get my feel to CTb since my day to day is just that horrible.

 

[chuerdhmproton]

That's also ok. Yeah is eating is pretty nice I'd miss it too kinda xD. If you're having no doubt wich seems like it, then I wish you the best of luck and a safe journey. But maybe in the afterlife you can eat, shower and sleep too (that'd be really great) I really like the thought of an afterlife that is like this even if I'm an atheist. I'll light a candle for you when the time comes :) if I'm not too tired to handle fire and burn my whole city down but I got this. Candle is already set up

haha, thanks for the candle, but be careful with fire
I wouldn't mind if the afterlife is just eternal sleep, sounds peaceful enough to me although a bit boring

 

[Kore]

Hey @chuerdhmproton, I'll do my best to stay up but it's late for me too right now and I'm super sleepy, but wanted to catch you first… I really hope you find peace.

I was wondering, and ofc you don't have to, but would you share a moment of your life with me/us where you felt happy or at peace? Whether for a day or a second, a time when all of the problems of the world were somewhere else for a little while.

For me, there was a day around a year ago when I was close to the edge, and I just got in the car and drove. For hours. I ended up at the coast in the middle of nowhere, got out and walked to this tiny hidden beach. The sun had just started to set, the sky was clear of clouds and slowly turned into the deepest orange I'd ever seen. I sat there and watched the sun moving down into the sea, until it disappeared from view. I know it's might sound kinda cliche, like who hasn't seen a sunset before… but for that 30 minutes or so, with no people around for miles, just the sound of the waves and the feel of the breeze on my face, I felt peace. I think that moment will come to mind if I ever, get close to the edge.

You don't have to share anything ofc, but I'd love to hear about it if you want to

Either way, sending love and peace

 

[DeepCD]

Wishing you the best journey. Hope you find what you're searching for.

 

[chuerdhmproton]

Hey @chuerdhmproton, I'll do my best to stay up but it's late for me too right now and I'm super sleepy, but wanted to catch you first… I really hope you find peace.

I was wondering, and ofc you don't have to, but would you share a moment of your life with me/us where you felt happy or at peace? Whether for a day or a second, a time when all of the problems of the world were somewhere else for a little while.

For me, there was a day around a year ago when I was close to the edge, and I just got in the car and drove. For hours. I ended up at the coast in the middle of nowhere, got out and walked to this tiny hidden beach. The sun had just started to set, the sky was clear of clouds and slowly turned into the deepest orange I'd ever seen. I sat there and watched the sun moving down into the sea, until it disappeared from view. I know it's might sound kinda cliche, like who hasn't seen a sunset before… but for that 30 minutes or so, with no people around for miles, just the sound of the waves and the feel of the breeze on my face, I felt peace. I think that moment will come to mind if I ever, get close to the edge.

You don't have to share anything ofc, but I'd love to hear about it if you want to

Either way, sending love and peace

Hi Kore, thanks for sharing, it is a wonderful moment you had at the beach.

I don't mind sharing a story when I felt true happiness. The happiness was brief, but it was real, especially considering I am miserable 24/7 so those brief moments of true joy are quite memorable. I will omit many details to avoid being personally identified.

I felt genuinely joy when I passed a professional career license I tried hard to get, and I failed twice prior so the third time I passed I literally jumped in the air like a cartoon character.

 

[Kore]

Man that's a good one! Imagining a capybara hopping up and down in sheer joy.

Keep moments like that one in mind, it sounds like you've been through the works to get to where you are right now, so you may as well focus on any of those few moments of happiness while you can. And don't just remember them, feel them. Close your eyes and let that original smile from way back then creep back onto your face.

If you wanna share any other moments, feel free! I'd happily read them

I have another, this time a memory of when I laughed so hard it hurt lmao. I was having a few drinks with a couple of friends one night long ago, when one of them spilt their drink on the carpet. Someone came into the room and seen the spillage and said "is that a dinosaur footprint?!". For no reason at all, one of my friends began laughing hysterically at this, which caused the rest of us to laugh at him, which in-turn redoubled his laughing. A solid 10 minutes later we were all on the floor, complaining we couldn't breathe and our ribs hurt… utter ridiculousness. I can't remember the last time I laughed like that, but that one will stick with me too

 

[chuerdhmproton]

Man that's a good one! Imagining a capybara hopping up and down in sheer joy.

Keep moments like that one in mind, it sounds like you've been through the works to get to where you are right now, so you may as well focus on any of those few moments of happiness while you can. And don't just remember them, feel them. Close your eyes and let that original smile from way back then creep back onto your face.

If you wanna share any other moments, feel free! I'd happily read them

I have another, this time a memory of when I laughed so hard it hurt lmao. I was having a few drinks with a couple of friends one night long ago, when one of them spilt their drink on the carpet. Someone came into the room and seen the spillage and said "is that a dinosaur footprint?!". For no reason at all, one of my friends began laughing hysterically at this, which caused the rest of us to laugh at him, which in-turn redoubled his laughing. A solid 10 minutes later we were all on the floor, complaining we couldn't breathe and our ribs hurt… utter ridiculousness. I can't remember the last time I laughed like that, but that one will stick with me too

i miss having fun with the mates, goofing off with no worry in mind
Will start water fast in 20 minutes.
Decided to make 3 sn drinks instead of 2 because I am paranoid. Premeasured water into the cups at 75ml each, just trying to simplify the procedure later on.

 

[Unknown21]

How do you doing now? I hope everything is alright.

 

[chuerdhmproton]

How do you doing now? I hope everything is alright.

SI is creeping up on me but I am trying to distract myself from letting SI take over my logical mind
-----------------------
Update:
Have taken 3 200mg ibuprofen capsules
Will start preparing sn drink mixture

 

[GorgeousGuillotine]

Found this just after midnight. I hope it went smoothly, and you're at peace as I write this

 

[chuerdhmproton]

Found this just after midnight. I hope it went smoothly, and you're at peace as I write this

Seems like our timezones are different cause it is still 40 minutes until midnight for me

---------------------------
Update:
Have also just downed 2 4mg zofran pills. SN mixtures are all prepped.
The plastic wrap is probably completely redundant but I wanted to wrap it up until time to drink just in case too much oxygen exposure? I'm talking out of my ass here since I have no chemistry knowledge at all
Feeling a small bit of stomachache, honestly not sure if it is from the pills or just my nerves getting to me...

 

[Daughter of Sorrow]

I hope you will post once more before the end. I hope that you are at peace with your choice. I hope you do not suffer.

 

[chuerdhmproton]

I hope you will post once more before the end. I hope that you are at peace with your choice. I hope you do not suffer.

I will try my best but no promises since I have no clue how long it will take for me to pass out, and I can't really predict my mental state after drinking sn, for me it can be hard to post when I am not in the right state of mind.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

I actually haven't even slept yet but candle is lighted <3

and it's almost 6 am but idgaf <3

 

[chuerdhmproton]

I actually haven't even slept yet but candle is lighted <3

Sorry if it was my fault that you missed sleep...

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Don't worry I don't have important stuff tomorrow or today and let's be real you are much more worth and important then one night sleep

 

[chuerdhmproton]

Just drank it, immediately feel a tingling sensation, it was salty yes but not unbearably salty
I have a feeli mg I will pass out soon so this might be it
I will try to watch some anime to calm me down while I wait to pass out, watching saiki k
starting N to get a bit scared I won't pass out soon and suffer pain, I really hope I will just pass out
Heart rate is faster but still conscious

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Safe travels we'll be here the whole time for you and good anime choice I love this one <3

 

[chuerdhmproton]

Safe travels we'll be here the whole time for you and good anime choice I love this one <3

I'm so scared I wish I had someone to hold me
Starting to feel faint like when you have low blood pressure

 

[CloudyNightSky]

I'm so scared I wish I had someone to hold me
Starting to feel faint like when you have low blood pressure

We're here I'd gladly give you lots of hugs and hold you so pls imagine it Im there for you

 

[Headspace Dweller]

I don't know if I made it in time, my insomnia finally faded and I was asleep, but I'm giving you lots of hugs from here <3

I'm so scared I wish I had someone to hold me
Starting to feel faint like when you have low blood pressure