Goodbye (SN)

[Zanmato]

I hope you can find your peace!

 

[nir]

Oh, I'm really going to miss seeing you on this forum!! I hope it is totally peaceful for you

 

[Fate]

I hope you find peace. Hoping death treats you kind.

 

[ApparentlyNot]

You seem like a cool person, I hope you experience a peaceful exit.

 

[iloveloving]

I've enjoyed seeing your posts. I hope it will be peaceful for you. Good luck.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

a lot of your posts were very good

 

[EternalShore]

I wish you the best! ^_^ see ya, wishing you the best, and praying for you~ :)

 

[saltimpress]

I wish the best for you and take care. I hope to do the same soon

 

[orderphil91]

I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[joyfulegirl999]

Well, the time has come for me to finally catch my bus. Tomorrow, I'll be taking my SN.

Here's my protocol:

Fast for 12 or so hours (last meal finished at least 13 hours before I drink SN, to allow for some digestion)
2 hours before, Cease consumption of water (drinking minimal water to swallow meds though)
1 hour before, take 975mg (325mg X3) of Acetaminophen
45 minutes before, take 30mg (10mg X3) of Metoclopramide
15-20 minutes before, measure out SN then mix 3 glasses with 50ml of water and 25g of SN each
wait remaining time, drink SN, lie down in my bed, and off I go
I'll have gum to chew after the SN

I had promised a while back that I would test my SN, since we had a few scares in September about the purity of DMC's product. But it was brought to people's attention that nitrite test strips are not perfectly accurate for testing purity, and the results can vary between strips, brands, or user errors. So I will not be testing my SN, as there's a very good chance that it's fine, especially considering that there has been a few CTBs recently that used DMC's stuff: potatocube on the 13th (presumed), Maynoname at the beginning of the month, shadow999 at the end of September, and Beyond_Repair in late August. I think there's been others, but I can't recall exactly. If I succeed, then you can add me to this growing list.

As for the actual act of CTB, this has been a very long time coming. My desire to no longer exist began around the age of 9. And I've spent the last 2 years actively trying to exit via hanging (partial and full), but I was never able to manage it. In late August, I fortuitously found DMC and I bought my SN as soon as I had the funds available. I was also able to get Meto, which was something I thought I'd have to go without. It's still a bit surreal, to be honest. But it feels incredibly relieving to have a method that is much more suitable for my sensibilities. I'm really hoping this will finally be my bus ticket out of here. Fuck knows I've fought long and hard enough for peace.

I'm not going to write any more about myself, as it's not really necessary nor do I want to write too much here. I do, however, want to thank each and every one of you for being some cool ass motherfuckers. This community we have here is truly special, and I hope it continues to be long after I'm gone. I really enjoyed getting to speak with some of you in private, and even make a couple friends (something I never thought I'd do here)! I hope I was able to offer helpful info and assistance during my time here. I also want to thank the admins and moderators for curating such an incredible forum, as there's absolutely nothing like it anywhere else on the internet or the real world. This forum provides an incredibly valuable service to not only those who wish to CTB, but also those who need a community and a safe-space to speak their mind. I hope it will continue to be available to people in need for a long time.

Anyway, I'll be here in the thread until I go to sleep. And I'll come back in morning to say farewell before I drink my SN. I will not be providing live updates during the process since I do not want to be found with SaSu open on my phone.

Farewell, happy resting <3

 

[CatLvr]

I am going to miss you. May you find the peace we all seek. You have earned it.

 

[AbyssalAlien]

Hey. Never met you before. But do me a favor. If there is an afterlife, say hi to me.

 

[pandorasactor]

Wish you the best with your journey my friend <3

 

[Agon321]

Good luck.

 

[PI3.14]

Logic is definitely a big part of my reason for doing this, though it didn't start out that way. I delved deep into philosophy before I started my hanging attempts, and I came out the other side of it in opposition to life. So I'd say that about 90% of my reason for CTB at this point is philosophical. I just don't like life, for a multitude of reasons that I could probably write a book on, but I'll spare everyone my drivel lol.

But yeah, before the whole philosophy thing, I did explore every option for help, and I found it all to be abysmal and useless. I was in therapy for most of my life, and all they can do is teach you to cope and delude yourself, which was never really helpful. Maybe I just had shit therapists, but I've noticed that many others have a similar experience. And I once ended up in a 72hr hold at a psych hospital, which was a fucking nightmare. Mental health support just isn't good enough. I believe someone here on the forum equated therapy/psychiatry's progress to being in the "renaissance era" which is very accurate. It's not as brutal as it was 100 or 150 years ago, but it's still fucked up and inadequate in many ways

As for this exit. I don't look at it negatively, but rather positively. Though, I wouldn't expect anyone else that disagrees to suddenly see it that way, since we all have our own worldviews and perspectives. For me, I wish I was never born and I don't like life, so the next best option outside of coping till my natural death is to CTB. "Sleep is good, death is better; but of course, the best thing would be to never have been born at all" about sums up how I think and feel. I obviously can't go back to prevent my birth, sleeping is a nice break from life every 16 hours or so, but dying is the next best option available to me. That's about as simple as I can make it.

I did quit therapy, my last session was 3 weeks ago I guess. This came after about 2 years of therapy and psychiatry.

If I had to put it into a sentence, therapy is second only to religion in terms of how useless it is.

If you're a "solution oriented" person that nothing satisfy you unless it fixes your issues, then therapy won't work for you.

Therapy is about coping and that's it. I'm not totally against it though as I do see that it works for some people.

 

[Rudi]

Hopefully you'll find your peace, sorry to see you go.

 

[magicgranola]

I just joined this site but I wish you peace and happiness.

 

[cowboypants]

Your posts were always good to read. Hope it goes well for you man.

 

[disjectamembra]

i always enjoyed reading your posts, godspeed

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm sorry it came to this, but I hope you rest well and find peace<3

 

[Murakami'sCat]

I hope you find peace you deserve and freedom from pain.

I lurk more than I post but have enjoyed seeing you around and reading your posts .

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

You know I have no words for this. Or I do but they're too big for here. But I wanted to post publicly as well - you've been a joy to me personally, every day, except for that one day ffs. The day you made me stern.
I want you to catch your bus / I don't want you to catch your bus. If I wasn't so tired, I'm pretty sure I could come up with some sort of Schrödinger's cat theory. Or maybe just lots of swears. Either / either.
If you save me a seat, I'll decorate your fictional headstone with our patent-pending money-making machine. And maybe slap on a badge without consent too. It hurts to make jokes here. It hurts to be serious here. This hurts. But you have my full support because I'm too scared to offer anything less. You will be missed.

 

[Catch-22]

I hope you find peace on the other side..⚘

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

You know I have no words for this. Or I do but they're too big for here. But I wanted to post publicly as well - you've been a joy to me personally, every day, except for that one day ffs. The day you made me stern.
I want you to catch your bus / I don't want you to catch your bus. If I wasn't so tired, I'm pretty sure I could come up with some sort of Schrödinger's cat theory. Or maybe just lots of swears. Either / either.
If you save me a seat, I'll decorate your fictional headstone with our patent-pending money-making machine. And maybe slap on a badge without consent too. It hurts to make jokes here. It hurts to be serious here. This hurts. But you have my full support because I'm too scared to offer anything less. You will be missed.

It's been wonderful getting to know you and chatting with you. I am really glad we managed to develop a friendship here. You and I talked with one another longer than I did with anyone else. I'm sorry to leave so soon. I know I initially promised later this month or possibly even November, but now is the right time. It feels right to me.

I will 100% save you a seat! And thank you for still trying to support me despite part of you wishing to do otherwise (as in, trying to convince me to stay). I am very grateful for that. I hope your bus ride (whenever that day comes) is a smooth one, and you're not left hanging around missing me for too long...

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I wish you a vomitless and peaceful journey! I'll miss seeing you around on here but after all we're all here for temporarily for the same damn reason. Hopefully I will follow you soon.

 

[Tonkpils]

I will miss you, I enjoyed our conversations. Hope it all goes fast and easy for you. I will see you on the other side soon.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

It's been wonderful getting to know you and chatting with you. I am really glad we managed to develop a friendship here. You and I talked with one another longer than I did with anyone else. I'm sorry to leave so soon. I know I initially promised later this month or possibly even November, but now is the right time. It feels right to me.

I will 100% save you a seat! And thank you for still trying to support me despite part of you wishing to do otherwise (as in, trying to convince me to stay). I am very grateful for that. I hope your bus ride (whenever that day comes) is a smooth one, and you're not left hanging around missing me for too long...

I wish we'd been able to sync our bus rides from the other side of the world. That would have been something. I'm still too scared to pick a date / too scared to see the new year. I want the bus you want. I hope you found Ophelia's messages as reassuring as I did, including the woo woo one. It helped make yet another shift in me. We just don't know but we sure can hope, even if the hope is for nothingness. If you have a woo woo message for me, I will be waiting to receive with an open heart & mind. Otherwise, your energy will go where it's needed. I won't clog up your GBT with any more posts. You know that goodbyes suck but are sometimes necessary & so here we are. You will be in my thoughts in the hours, days, weeks to come. I wish you all the very best from the bottom of my cynical, cold dead heart

 

[skyflame]

There are so many lovely messages on this thread you clearly had a positive impact on lots of people here. Sending you best wishes <3

 

[NoHalfMeasures]

I've always enjoyed seeing you around. Wishing you a very peaceful journey.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

We've never talked but I've seen you around and read your posts!
I hope it will be fast and painless and you finally find the peace you are looking for!
I know you don't want sasu open on your phone, so just wanna say you're in my (obviously not just mine) thoughts and hope you don't feel too alone!