Goodbye (SN)

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

Well, the time has come for me to finally catch my bus. Tomorrow, I'll be taking my SN.

Here's my protocol:

Fast for 12 or so hours (last meal finished at least 13 hours before I drink SN, to allow for some digestion)
2 hours before, Cease consumption of water (drinking minimal water to swallow meds though)
1 hour before, take 975mg (325mg X3) of Acetaminophen
45 minutes before, take 30mg (10mg X3) of Metoclopramide
15-20 minutes before, measure out SN then mix 3 glasses with 50ml of water and 25g of SN each
wait remaining time, drink SN, lie down in my bed, and off I go
I'll have gum to chew after the SN

I had promised a while back that I would test my SN, since we had a few scares in September about the purity of DMC's product. But it was brought to people's attention that nitrite test strips are not perfectly accurate for testing purity, and the results can vary between strips, brands, or user errors. So I will not be testing my SN, as there's a very good chance that it's fine, especially considering that there has been a few CTBs recently that used DMC's stuff: potatocube on the 13th (presumed), Maynoname at the beginning of the month, shadow999 at the end of September, and Beyond_Repair in late August. I think there's been others, but I can't recall exactly. If I succeed, then you can add me to this growing list.

As for the actual act of CTB, this has been a very long time coming. My desire to no longer exist began around the age of 9. And I've spent the last 2 years actively trying to exit via hanging (partial and full), but I was never able to manage it. In late August, I fortuitously found DMC and I bought my SN as soon as I had the funds available. I was also able to get Meto, which was something I thought I'd have to go without. It's still a bit surreal, to be honest. But it feels incredibly relieving to have a method that is much more suitable for my sensibilities. I'm really hoping this will finally be my bus ticket out of here. Fuck knows I've fought long and hard enough for peace.

I'm not going to write any more about myself, as it's not really necessary nor do I want to write too much here. I do, however, want to thank each and every one of you for being some cool ass motherfuckers. This community we have here is truly special, and I hope it continues to be long after I'm gone. I really enjoyed getting to speak with some of you in private, and even make a couple friends (something I never thought I'd do here)! I hope I was able to offer helpful info and assistance during my time here. I also want to thank the admins and moderators for curating such an incredible forum, as there's absolutely nothing like it anywhere else on the internet or the real world. This forum provides an incredibly valuable service to not only those who wish to CTB, but also those who need a community and a safe-space to speak their mind. I hope it will continue to be available to people in need for a long time.

Anyway, I'll be here in the thread until I go to sleep. And I'll come back in morning to say farewell before I drink my SN. I will not be providing live updates during the process since I do not want to be found with SaSu open on my phone.

 

[justpathetic]

I'm sorry to see you go. Selfish of me but I always enjoy seeing your threads and comments. May you have a peaceful journey.

 

[JustAnx]

Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for your kind words. And all i can give you is my wish for you to find peace.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

This is sad to read, you've contributed so much to the community.
I will miss seeing you around here.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

I'm sorry to see you go. Selfish of me but I always enjoy seeing your threads and comments. May you have a peaceful journey.

I wouldn't say selfishness is such a bad thing. We all are selfish to some degree. It's selfish of me to take my exit, so it goes both ways here.

But thank you for the kind wish. I appreciate that.

Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for your kind words. And all i can give you is my wish for you to find peace.

Thank you :)

This is sad to read, you've contributed so much to the community.
I will miss seeing you around here.

That means a lot to me. I wanted to pay forward all the help I received myself, since it only felt right to me. Give and take.

And thank you. I hate that I am causing not only my friend and family member IRL to miss me, but also those I've interacted with on the forum. But there's no way around it unfortunately.

 

[cohomology]

Wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
May I ask what made you decide to go with SN?

 

[maniac116]

I hope your transition is smooth & that you find eternal love & peace.
Thanks for your contributions to our forum

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

Thank you for everything you've done for the forum. I agree it is a special place. Best of luck on your travels.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

Wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
May I ask what made you decide to go with SN?

Hanging was too difficult for me, SI wise. Just something about the pure physicality of it (also the pain) spooks my lizard brain. I've spoken about it before in more detail if you wanna go spelunking through my post history. But basically, with partial I would either back out before losing consciousness or I'd simply be unable to properly occlude my arteries. With full, I never had the balls to kick the stool over or step off, it was just too brutal IMO (even though it'd be quick).

So SN is much more peaceful IMO (even though it takes longer to lose consciousness), and it's easier to pull off: you just drink a salty liquid, lie back in bed, and endure some discomfort and illness for 15-20 minutes, and then you're out. SN was also the best method available to me, as I would prefer something like inert gas or a firearm over this. But SN isn't a bad choice in lieu of these better options. Definitely a nicer method than hanging. But it's all subjective at the end of the day. Some people really prefer hanging due to the speed of it, and I certainly understand the appeal of that.

 

[kotonearisato]

We've never spoken really, but I've seen you around here many times. Thank you for being such a great part of this community and your kindness towards everyone here, and I wish you nothing but peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace, I wish you the best.

 

[kettlespine]

i hope you can find peace in the afterlife. goodbye.

 

[Tony24]

You've been very helpful to everyone here. You'll be missed.

 

[JustAnx]

Hanging was too difficult for me, SI wise. Just something about the pure physicality of it (also the pain) spooks my lizard brain. I've spoken about it before in more detail if you wanna go spelunking through my post history. But basically, I would either back out before losing consciousness or I'd simply be unable to properly occlude my arteries. With full, I never had the balls to kick the stool over or step off, it was just too brutal IMO (even though it'd be quick).

So SN is much more peaceful IMO, even though it takes longer to lose consciousness, and it's easier to pull off; you just drink a salty liquid, lie back in bed, and endure some discomfort and illness for 15-20 minutes. SN was also the best method available to me, as I would prefer something like inert gas or a firearm over this. But SN isn't a bad choice in lieu of these better options. Definitely a nicer method than hanging. But it's all subjective at the end of the day. Some people really prefer hanging due to the speed of it, and I certainly understand the appeal of that.

The way you express yourself, the way you make me think that logic is behind every decision you have made towards this, makes me feel like you've exhausted every other way out (recovery) and just wish for peace. If my perception is correct, i would relate so much to you. And eventho i wouldn't want this exit for anybody or even me for that matter, sometimes is just the only way.
Like someone said i few posts before this, since i'm newer that you here, i didn't get to interact with you, but either way you have my appreciation.

 

[rozeske]

I'm sorry to see you go but I gather it's something you've considered well and made up your mind on. I still hate seeing you go, I enjoyed your presence and seeing you around. I wish there was a better way for all of us. I wish you a peaceful journey. I hope everything works out the way you want it

 

[peacetoall]

Like many other users have commented, you have contributed so much to these forums. You are so well spoken. I wish you all the love and peace in whatever decision you make

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I wish you to finally find peace

 

[legoshi]

I have been wishing I could just disappear since I was a kid also. I hope you find peace.

I finally got my SN, but I'm scared to take it. I don't have the proper meto, just OTC stuff. Nor do I have benzo. I know it's not necessary, I think I'm just scared and using that as an excuse.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

The way you express yourself, the way you make me think that logic is behind every decision you have made towards this, makes me feel like you've exhausted every other way out (recovery) and just wish for peace. If my perception is correct, i would relate so much to you. And eventho i wouldn't want this exit for anybody or even me for that matter, sometimes is just the only way.

Logic is definitely a big part of my reason for doing this, though it didn't start out that way. I delved deep into philosophy before I started my hanging attempts, and I came out the other side of it in opposition to life. So I'd say that about 90% of my reason for CTB at this point is philosophical. I just don't like life, for a multitude of reasons that I could probably write a book on, but I'll spare everyone my drivel lol.

But yeah, before the whole philosophy thing, I did explore every option for help, and I found it all to be abysmal and useless. I was in therapy for most of my life, and all they can do is teach you to cope and delude yourself, which was never really helpful. Maybe I just had shit therapists, but I've noticed that many others have a similar experience. And I once ended up in a 72hr hold at a psych hospital, which was a fucking nightmare. Mental health support just isn't good enough. I believe someone here on the forum equated therapy/psychiatry's progress to being in the "renaissance era" which is very accurate. It's not as brutal as it was 100 or 150 years ago, but it's still fucked up and inadequate in many ways

As for this exit. I don't look at it negatively, but rather positively. Though, I wouldn't expect anyone else that disagrees to suddenly see it that way, since we all have our own worldviews and perspectives. For me, I wish I was never born and I don't like life, so the next best option outside of coping till my natural death is to CTB. "Sleep is good, death is better; but of course, the best thing would be to never have been born at all" about sums up how I think and feel. I obviously can't go back to prevent my birth, sleeping is a nice break from life every 16 hours or so, but dying is the next best option available to me. That's about as simple as I can make it.

 

[Buffy]

Wishing you peace on your journey

 

[EmptyCurtainCall]

oh my goodness i'm so sorry i'm late i'm sure you're gone by now and i wish you endless peace . you did such a great job comforting and informing others on this site and you'll be missed

 

[ForestGhost]

I appreciate reading your posts, you have always have great things to say. Wishing you all the best. Enjoy breaking out of the cave.

 

[JustAnx]

How are you feeling? Are u still here?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Omg. I'm late to this. @Plato'sCaveDweller thank you for all your words, all your input, all your friendship even though I know we never talked much directly, I know we have some similar thoughts. Thanks for always backing me up. I am wishing you nothing but peace and relief. If you want to talk at all before it's time, I PM'd you.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

How are you feeling? Are u still here?

Oh yeah, I'm still here! Gonna be checking in on the thread all day.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm quite excited for tomorrow, and also a bit nervous of course (it's only natural). I'm also so grateful for the support and love you all are showing me. I am really glad I made this GBT, since it feels really nice to not feel so alone in this. When I first joined the site, I didn't intend on making friends, nor making a goodbye thread. I actually didn't even think I'd participate in the community as much as I did. But I'm glad things went the way they went.

 

[Duro]

may your journey be peaceful.

 

[swankysoup]

Hanging was too difficult for me, SI wise. Just something about the pure physicality of it (also the pain) spooks my lizard brain. I've spoken about it before in more detail if you wanna go spelunking through my post history. But basically, with partial I would either back out before losing consciousness or I'd simply be unable to properly occlude my arteries. With full, I never had the balls to kick the stool over or step off, it was just too brutal IMO (even though it'd be quick).

So SN is much more peaceful IMO (even though it takes longer to lose consciousness), and it's easier to pull off: you just drink a salty liquid, lie back in bed, and endure some discomfort and illness for 15-20 minutes, and then you're out. SN was also the best method available to me, as I would prefer something like inert gas or a firearm over this. But SN isn't a bad choice in lieu of these better options. Definitely a nicer method than hanging. But it's all subjective at the end of the day. Some people really prefer hanging due to the speed of it, and I certainly understand the appeal of that.

Wow this sounds so much like me, it's nice to see someone put our shared thoughts into some reasonable writing like this. I hope you will find what you are looking for.

 

[athiestjoe]

Thank you for sharing your farewell message; I know it will resonate deeply with many. Your protocol is well considered, and it reflects your usual thoughtfulness.

It has truly been a joy to be your friend, and your contributions here have been remarkable. I'm saddened that it has come to this, but take comfort in knowing you will no longer endure pain and suffering.

Wishing you a safe journey and hoping you find peace & serenity.

 

[Flippintogo]

Thank you for sharing your farewell. I have found your posts to be well thought out. May you find the peace you have been looking for.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

Thank you for sharing your farewell message; I know it will resonate deeply with many. Your protocol is well considered, and it reflects your usual thoughtfulness.

It has truly been a joy to be your friend, and your contributions here have been remarkable. I'm saddened that it has come to this, but take comfort in knowing you will no longer endure pain and suffering.

Wishing you a safe journey and hoping you find peace & serenity.

Thank you, Joe! It's been an absolute pleasure! You will be among my thoughts as it all goes down.

I'm also glad you reached out for my assistance in making those posts/guides of yours, even though it was just English corrections and nothing too major. I hope they continue to help people for a long time. Also, the mods should 100% pin your "Why ODs Fail Miserably" guide, or at least link it in willitpass's "Non-methods" post. It's probably the best warning against ODs I've ever seen on the forum!