Orangee
I want to leave this sad world
- Apr 6, 2024
- 92
I'm at a crossroads right now. I have realized that I really want to live. Fully. I want to live, laugh, cry, play beautiful music and go out and do beautiful things. But I'm scared. Deep inside I'm a scared little girl who doesn't want to let go of the one option that brings her peace of mind, even if it means destruction. I don't want to continue wasting my time living a half life, caught between life and death because if that's how it's going to be, I should honestly just die now to spare myself the suffering. So I have a choice now. I have to choose death or life and everything inside me is screaming life. And just because I choose life doesn't mean it will get better, and at this point, death is so intertwined with my life that it will take a long time to pick the threads of it out. And it will be incredibly difficult and scary. I owe it to myself to take this leap, because it's the only hope I have to achieve a full life. A full life, full of happiness, mostly despair, but a full life nonetheless.
To clarify, I'm going to be disabling my SaSu account. I discovered this community more than a year ago, and it has gotten me through some of my worst times. I am forever grateful to the people of this community for making it a place I could come to at my lowest and my highest and receive unconditional support and love. I deeply believe that the only reason I am alive right now is because of this forum, and it changed a lot of the ways I think about suicide. However, I also realize that being on a website a large portion of which is suicide discussion can lead me to spiral, and make me at higher risk of killing myself. Before, I wasn't too concerned about that, because that was my goal, but now I'm not sure whether I want to live or die, and I want to give myself the space and time to make that decision without my impulsivity deciding for me.
I didn't talk much, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone's posts, and appreciated the conversations with @getoutgirl @-nobodyknows- @SchizoGymnast and @nomoreme. I will take a few days to say goodbye and think it through, and then, I'll be out of here, and hopefully never need to be back.
I wish everybody here the best of luck on their journey, whether it be to recovery or death.
- Orange <3
To clarify, I'm going to be disabling my SaSu account. I discovered this community more than a year ago, and it has gotten me through some of my worst times. I am forever grateful to the people of this community for making it a place I could come to at my lowest and my highest and receive unconditional support and love. I deeply believe that the only reason I am alive right now is because of this forum, and it changed a lot of the ways I think about suicide. However, I also realize that being on a website a large portion of which is suicide discussion can lead me to spiral, and make me at higher risk of killing myself. Before, I wasn't too concerned about that, because that was my goal, but now I'm not sure whether I want to live or die, and I want to give myself the space and time to make that decision without my impulsivity deciding for me.
I didn't talk much, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone's posts, and appreciated the conversations with @getoutgirl @-nobodyknows- @SchizoGymnast and @nomoreme. I will take a few days to say goodbye and think it through, and then, I'll be out of here, and hopefully never need to be back.
I wish everybody here the best of luck on their journey, whether it be to recovery or death.
- Orange <3
