Venting gonna start getting ready

[barkbark]

decided i'm just gonna bite the bullet (haha) and get ready to ctb. i'm gonna stick around for a few weeks to see if i can get on a music label just for the hell of it but if i don't (or maybe even if i do) i'm gonna ctb.

for context i've been living with severe depression for my entire life, so this has really just been a long time coming. i've also got issues with trauma and some dysphoria but frankly it's too much to get into here. i'll save it for a goodbye thread or something.

anyway i am going to be looking around for SN sources that are more loose with if they need a business or not, but frankly its so damn hard to find one that i don't even know if i should bother.
i've tried partial hanging but i can never get it to work, and firearm is more consistently lethal and harder to resuscitate even if it's scarier, so i think i'm just gonna go for that. i wish i could go with SN or N even if it's less likely to kill me because it's a lot less violent and at least i would have the ability to back out if i had last second regrets, but thanks to the afsp and those like it, i guess i'm just forced to fully commit all at once and kill myself with more certainty. thanks suicide prevention orgs, you really are saving lives. you have my blood on your hands but enough bitterness and frustration.

i'm planning for it to be the first day i'm home alone in march. that way i have time to see if my label submission goes through and so i don't traumatize anyone any more than i have to with the sound of the gunshot and am less likely to be "saved" in critical condition instead of passing. unfortunately i don't have access to the recommended types of firearm (i only can manage to steal a rifle or handgun from a family members safe) so i will be risking a bit more and i don't have much experience with firearms so i might fail to kill myself with the shot initially but either way it's still likely to kill me.

edit/update: i spent an hour or so looking for potential sources for sn and decided it really isn't worth the hassle. can't afford a wellness check right now and scrolling through weird and sketchy looking websites has gone nowhere so. fuck it. rifle it is!

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck in your plans.

 

[Dliena]

I am wishing you the very best in your endeavors OP and hopefully you won't have to suffer anymore whenever your time comes.

 

[UnrepentantSunrise]

music label

sorry if random and unrelated, but you do music?

 

[barkbark]

sorry if random and unrelated, but you do music?

yeah i make EDM

 

[UnrepentantSunrise]

yeah i make EDM

hey that's sick as fuck dude

 

[rozeske]

I wish you all the best in your plans. I hope you find your peace

 

[throneofdispair03]

I wish you luck with your plans. I hope you find the peace you search for

 

[Linda]

Have you read some of the information on this site on how to ctb effectively with a firearm? If not, now would be a good time to do it. There is plenty of information available. The reason I suggest that is that this is one method you don't want to mess up, as it can leave you in a very bad state if you fail. Whatever you decide to do, I hope all goes well for you.

 

[deadwalkid]

Good luck woofie Music and peace will be with you.

 

[barkbark]

update: i got access to a SN source. i won't be linking it but in the process of ordering it.

plans changed from firearm to SN with the hopes of getting it by march, though with SN i feel a lot more comfortable giving recovery a further shot since i'll always have ctb as an option (firearm access is on shaky grounds.)

i'm likely going to update further as the days draw closer and see if i decide to give recovery a chance or just take the SN immediately. thanks for all the kind words

 

[bonniekeane49]

update: i got access to a SN source. i won't be linking it but in the process of ordering it.

plans changed from firearm to SN with the hopes of getting it by march, though with SN i feel a lot more comfortable giving recovery a further shot since i'll always have ctb as an option (firearm access is on shaky grounds.)

i'm likely going to update further as the days draw closer and see if i decide to give recovery a chance or just take the SN immediately. thanks for all the kind words

hope you find the peace you want. if you chose to wait, i love EDM. I would love to hear your music if you feel comfortable sharing ?

 

[rozeske]

update: i got access to a SN source. i won't be linking it but in the process of ordering it.

plans changed from firearm to SN with the hopes of getting it by march, though with SN i feel a lot more comfortable giving recovery a further shot since i'll always have ctb as an option (firearm access is on shaky grounds.)

i'm likely going to update further as the days draw closer and see if i decide to give recovery a chance or just take the SN immediately. thanks for all the kind words

Good luck to you in your future. I hope it all works out the way you want it

 

[barkbark]

hope you find the peace you want. if you chose to wait, i love EDM. I would love to hear your music if you feel comfortable sharing ?

i'm scared of sharing my EDM here because i don't want to have people here knowing (pro-life groups might scour through to dox me and find pii to send a wellness check or expose my posts here to close friends and family since my tracks aren't quite as well hidden over there) or have my continually growing audience learn that the person making the happy groove they're listening to is in making plans to kill herself. really spoils the vibe haha.

also worried because this site has such a bad reputation from all the hit pieces. if i fail or if i back out i don't want to be forever known publicly for being in a "suicide cult" as one of my closest friends so graciously called it when i told them about this site. it would probably be a career killer sadly

though i think if i do go through with ctb (i keep going back and forth with it) i might just go ahead and share my accounts. why not, right? doxing and reputation wouldn't really matter to me if i was gone. if i go through with a goodbye thread i'll schedule a post informing people of what my accounts are/were as well as posting all my unfinished demos and stuff like that . scheduled rather than just outright posting to make sure even if i fail i won't leak my info and won't give potential pro life lurkers the chance to call friends or ems on me.

 

[bonniekeane49]

i'm scared of sharing my EDM here because i don't want to have people here knowing (pro-life groups might scour through to dox me and find pii to send a wellness check or expose my posts here to close friends and family since my tracks aren't quite as well hidden over there) or have my continually growing audience learn that the person making the happy groove they're listening to is in making plans to kill herself. really spoils the vibe haha.

also worried because this site has such a bad reputation from all the hit pieces. if i fail or if i back out i don't want to be forever known publicly for being in a "suicide cult" as one of my closest friends so graciously called it when i told them about this site. it would probably be a career killer sadly

though i think if i do go through with ctb (i keep going back and forth with it) i might just go ahead and share my accounts. why not, right? doxing and reputation wouldn't really matter to me if i was gone. if i go through with a goodbye thread i'll schedule a post informing people of what my accounts are/were as well as posting all my unfinished demos and stuff like that . scheduled rather than just outright posting to make sure even if i fail i won't leak my info and won't give potential pro life lurkers the chance to call friends or ems on me.

Totally understandable, but an idea could be -create an anonymous profile on soundcloud or Mixcloud and upload your trax there. If you're comfortable PM the name and id happily listen to it. I bet it's great.

 

[barkbark]

Totally understandable, but an idea could be -create an anonymous profile on soundcloud or Mixcloud and upload your trax there. If you're comfortable PM the name and id happily listen to it. I bet it's great.

good idea! i might do something like that but with unfinished music more out of my usual genres that i'd never release normally. i'm somewhat worried my style might shine through especially with the other stuff i've talked about here but its mostly paranoid of me to think that though haha

an update to the main topic though. i've been feeling somewhat better and i'm going to give recovery one last shot as a last ditch effort. to save time on explaining further, my friends and bf have been helping a lot through the lowest points of my mental health with me. i've put them through a lot with my garbage from mental illness and i just feel like i owe it to them not to put them through the grieving and trauma of having me ctb unless its really truly the only & final choice i can make.

this means that i'm going to be postponing my attempt indefinitely for now because it takes way too damn long to schedule with mental health professionals and even longer for their help to have any effect, but likely with a more concrete decision made in a few months if i don't start seeing any improvement. i still am making preparations, finishing up things i want to do in life, writing a note, etc. because i'm still very mentally set on ctb but if recovery helps then that would be preferable to spare the grief of my family & friends. i'm also probably going to be around here more often until i can meet with a professional and see where i go from there.