Ghosting is cruel

[HFK40000]

I sent understand how someone can just completely shut out another person like they never existed. The only situation I can understand is if the situation was physically dangerous and it was to keep someone safe. Being ghosted makes me feel like I never mattered to her or, I was never apart of her life. I would take straight up rejection over this gray area I'm trapped in. I can't wait to die so I never have to feel like this again.

 

[Set Real Goul]

I think these people either feel it would be rude or are too embarrassed to say that they're no longer interested or that they find you boring, and instead they create this incredibly awkward situation. Sometimes other people are just hell

 

[HFK40000]

I think these people either feel it would be rude or are too embarrassed to say that they're no longer interested or that they find you boring, and instead they create this incredibly awkward situation. Sometimes other people are just hell

I just wish could just know what she wants or how she feels. I would do anything for her.

 

[citrix_s]

I sent understand how someone can just completely shut out another person like they never existed. The only situation I can understand is if the situation was physically dangerous and it was to keep someone safe. Being ghosted makes me feel like I never mattered to her or, I was never apart of her life. I would take straight up rejection over this gray area I'm trapped in. I can't wait to die so I never have to feel like this again.

Yes, it's incredible how someone who tells you you're the love of their life and that they'll always be there for you, can act the next day as if you never mattered to them. Have these people ever truly loved anyone, or are they simply experts at lying?

 

[HFK40000]

Yes, it's incredible how someone who tells you you're the love of their life and that they'll always be there for you, can act the next day as if you never mattered to them. Have these people ever truly loved anyone, or are they simply experts at lying?

I have no idea. Two weeks before the ghosting started she looked me in the eye and said "you were the right person it was just the wrong time". I would wait forever if I didn't feel so abandoned and alone.

 

[citrix_s]

I have no idea. Two weeks before the ghosting started she looked me in the eye and said "you were the right person it was just the wrong time". I would wait forever if I didn't feel so abandoned and alone.

I understand, the same thing happened to me. She told me something similar. A year ago I tried with SN but they found me and took me to the hospital and messed up my CTB. People are bad and I don't want to live in a world with those people, so I'm preparing for a new attempt.

 

[HFK40000]

I understand, the same thing happened to me. She told me something similar. A year ago I tried with SN but they found me and took me to the hospital and messed up my CTB. People are bad and I don't want to live in a world with those people, so I'm preparing for a new attempt.

The world is cruel and people think they are helping when they end up doing more damage. I was sent to a psych observation for five days last month and it really messed me up.

 

[citrix_s]

The world is cruel and people think they are helping when they end up doing more damage. I was sent to a psych observation for five days last month and it really messed me up.

About a year ago I tried a CTB with SN and failed. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a week and I remember it as a horrible experience. I've been holding on all this time just because I didn't want to fail again and end up back in that place.

 

[HFK40000]

About a year ago I tried a CTB with SN and failed. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a week and I remember it as a horrible experience. I've been holding on all this time just because I didn't want to fail again and end up back in that place.

I'm sorry that happened. A week feels like eternity in a place like that. Being forced into that place did nothing but make my symptoms worse. It's so awful.

 

[citrix_s]

I'm sorry that happened. A week feels like eternity in a place like that. Being forced into that place did nothing but make my symptoms worse. It's so awful.

I hope you never have to go through that again; as you say, it's a horrible place that makes your symptoms worse.

 

[fadedghost]

I have no idea. Two weeks before the ghosting started she looked me in the eye and said "you were the right person it was just the wrong time". I would wait forever if I didn't feel so abandoned and alone.

So when a person says "You were the right person, it was just the wrong time," what they mean is that you were the wrong person and it was the right time, but you have a lot of good qualities and they hope you'll meet someone nice and they don't hate you, they just aren't that interested or into you.

People are often very indirect and it just sucks for people who prefer directness and also for people who take things literally. When someone is sexually attracted to you and likes you and has feelings, they almost always find a way and make it very clear they are interested. This person is not that into you and you have to move on.

They said it that way because they don't want you to have lower self-esteem from their lack of interest and probably really like you on some level as a friend, but you're sexually interested, and that person isn't.

I met someone who was objectively quite good looking once. He was tall dark and handsome. The problem was I like them looking nerdy, lacking in iron, and pasty. He was genuinely someone who was better looking than me, and I kept thinking, you're going to find someone else who is super into you and probably better looking than me. And that eventually did happen, the person found someone who was super into guys that had his sort of look, and he was also just nice looking generally.

She was telling you that she's not interested. I'm sorry. You need to keep looking for someone else. It's very likely if she was saying that she thinks someone else is going to be interested in you. So, just start heading to the gym, work out constantly, work on improving yourself, and put yourself out there to date and hopefully you find someone else.

Sorry.

 

[HFK40000]

So when a person says "You were the right person, it was just the wrong time," what they mean is that you were the wrong person and it was the right time, but you have a lot of good qualities and they hope you'll meet someone nice and they don't hate you, they just aren't that interested or into you.

People are often very indirect and it just sucks for people who prefer directness and also for people who take things literally. When someone is sexually attracted to you and likes you and has feelings, they almost always find a way and make it very clear they are interested. This person is not that into you and you have to move on.

They said it that way because they don't want you to have lower self-esteem from their lack of interest and probably really like you on some level as a friend, but you're sexually interested, and that person isn't.

I met someone who was objectively quite good looking once. He was tall dark and handsome. The problem was I like them looking nerdy, lacking in iron, and pasty. He was genuinely someone who was better looking than me, and I kept thinking, you're going to find someone else who is super into you and probably better looking than me. And that eventually did happen, the person found someone who was super into guys that had his sort of look, and he was also just nice looking generally.

She was telling you that she's not interested. I'm sorry. You need to keep looking for someone else. It's very likely if she was saying that she thinks someone else is going to be interested in you. So, just start heading to the gym, work out constantly, work on improving yourself, and put yourself out there to date and hopefully you find someone else.

Sorry.

Thank you for the very thorough response. I can rationalize and use logic to understand why she said it but emotionally I can't move on. I have pretty severe BPD and something about that sentence triggered all my worst traits that I can't get past.

I spoke to her last week and she did mention that she was already seeing someone else. It kills me how quickly she moved on. It reinforces your point that she is no longer interested in me. I wish I could do something to make her care again. I really am willing to do it give anything to take us back to how we were last year.

I'm going to be 29 next week and I feel like this was my last chance at love. I'm not bad looking for a Trans women, I have a steady job, I have several interest and hobbies. I know that there are other people out there who may find me worth their time but, I don't know how much more I can put myself out there. My ex and I agreed on so much and shared so many hobbies it's hard to imagine anyone who could fill the space she occupied.

 

[fadedghost]

Thank you for the very thorough response. I can rationalize and use logic to understand why she said it but emotionally I can't move on. I have pretty severe BPD and something about that sentence triggered all my worst traits that I can't get past.

I spoke to her last week and she did mention that she was already seeing someone else. It kills me how quickly she moved on. It reinforces your point that she is no longer interested in me. I wish I could do something to make her care again. I really am willing to do it give anything to take us back to how we were last year.

I'm going to be 29 next week and I feel like this was my last chance at love. I'm not bad looking for a Trans women, I have a steady job, I have several interest and hobbies. I know that there are other people out there who may find me worth their time but, I don't know how much more I can put myself out there. My ex and I agreed on so much and shared so many hobbies it's hard to imagine anyone who could fill the space she occupied.

I'm sorry. It's a lot like detoxing from drugs, although it's horrible to think about it that way. The first 3 weeks are hell, and then past that, it still hurts but in a horrible new way for about 3 months... then after that things are a little less painful... 6 months later it's less awful. But also, just like detoxing from drugs, if you talk or see the person at all, any contact, it starts everything all over again. You have to go no contact completely.

 

[HFK40000]

I'm sorry. It's a lot like detoxing from drugs, although it's horrible to think about it that way. The first 3 weeks are hell, and then past that, it still hurts but in a horrible new way for about 3 months... then after that things are a little less painful... 6 months later it's less awful. But also, just like detoxing from drugs, if you talk or see the person at all, any contact, it starts everything all over again. You have to go no contact completely.

That's a solid way to phrase it. I went sober from alcohol five years ago and going cold turkey was what worked for me. (not recommended I had pretty severe withdrawals) the temptation to reach out to her is way stronger than my drinking urges. I have been avoiding any events or locations where she may be so I need to fight the temptation to message her. No contact is the correct answer but it's not an easy task to ask.

 

[name2come]

Thank you for the very thorough response. I can rationalize and use logic to understand why she said it but emotionally I can't move on. I have pretty severe BPD and something about that sentence triggered all my worst traits that I can't get past.

I spoke to her last week and she did mention that she was already seeing someone else. It kills me how quickly she moved on. It reinforces your point that she is no longer interested in me. I wish I could do something to make her care again. I really am willing to do it give anything to take us back to how we were last year.

I'm going to be 29 next week and I feel like this was my last chance at love. I'm not bad looking for a Trans women, I have a steady job, I have several interest and hobbies. I know that there are other people out there who may find me worth their time but, I don't know how much more I can put myself out there. My ex and I agreed on so much and shared so many hobbies it's hard to imagine anyone who could fill the space she occupied.

I get this isn't something you want to hear right now, but what you're describing here doesn't sound like "ghosting". It sounds like someone who has made several, perhaps increasingly explicit attempts to reject you that you are trying to find a way to hear as an opening for a debate. This wasn't an open ended conversation. They probably cut off contact because they started to feel like you weren't getting the message.

Now, its okay if you're not in a place where you can emotionally move on yet. That happens. Not every relationship ends with both people on the same trajectory to getting over it. Honestly, I can't imagine many do. And I understand this can feel like a shock if they move on while you are still struggling, but you're different people and in different paces in your lives. The thing you do need to do, however, is step back and understand that its not her role to help you move on. That won't help you move on, either. Its just going to keep you standing in place, trying to figure out if there is a solution you haven't tried yet. There isn't. That's not how this works.

I know it probably sucks right now and I don't have any magic answer for how to avoid this part where everything sucks and hurts and feels inescapable. There isn't one path forward. Even as we experience it multiple times, it can still be a struggle. My last real heartbreak wasn't even over a relationship, but it was over two "situationships" that ended back to back. Neither was super-serious. One was a couple months as friends with benefits that I hoped might become more but was never promissed anything. The other was a very intense flirtation with someone who was in a bad place themselves and we never even got to the point of meeting up. Both broke off contact at some point and basically never resumed. And it left me very deflated. In hindsight, I can see both how I over-invested in each situation but also how neither really was going to be viable long-term. But sometimes, we can get lost in what we're hoping for in a situation. I found myself feeling very sad at the end of that, and even knowing that I didn't have good reason to be, that didn't prevent the feeling. I recognized that to some degree, I needed to let myself have the sadness so I could move on from it. Trying to deny it could let me to getting lost in it. When I'd get that way, I'd try to rationalize how maybe things could turn around. Maybe I could figure it out. Maybe they'd see things my way. Those are dangerous fantasies. It was better to let myself feel sad and recognize that I know learned that I did want to be with someone. I had been alone for years before this and mostly okay, but that situation made me feel like I wanted to make one more earnest try to find someone. That all took a while. Over a year. But I found my way forward. You don't need to replace your ex right now. You don't need to desperately try to fix this. You can be sad and lost and it can still be okay eventually. You don't have to know how you get there. That's not usually how this goes. Good luck.

 

[HFK40000]

I get this isn't something you want to hear right now, but what you're describing here doesn't sound like "ghosting". It sounds like someone who has made several, perhaps increasingly explicit attempts to reject you that you are trying to find a way to hear as an opening for a debate. This wasn't an open ended conversation. They probably cut off contact because they started to feel like you weren't getting the message.

Now, its okay if you're not in a place where you can emotionally move on yet. That happens. Not every relationship ends with both people on the same trajectory to getting over it. Honestly, I can't imagine many do. And I understand this can feel like a shock if they move on while you are still struggling, but you're different people and in different paces in your lives. The thing you do need to do, however, is step back and understand that its not her role to help you move on. That won't help you move on, either. Its just going to keep you standing in place, trying to figure out if there is a solution you haven't tried yet. There isn't. That's not how this works.

I know it probably sucks right now and I don't have any magic answer for how to avoid this part where everything sucks and hurts and feels inescapable. There isn't one path forward. Even as we experience it multiple times, it can still be a struggle. My last real heartbreak wasn't even over a relationship, but it was over two "situationships" that ended back to back. Neither was super-serious. One was a couple months as friends with benefits that I hoped might become more but was never promissed anything. The other was a very intense flirtation with someone who was in a bad place themselves and we never even got to the point of meeting up. Both broke off contact at some point and basically never resumed. And it left me very deflated. In hindsight, I can see both how I over-invested in each situation but also how neither really was going to be viable long-term. But sometimes, we can get lost in what we're hoping for in a situation. I found myself feeling very sad at the end of that, and even knowing that I didn't have good reason to be, that didn't prevent the feeling. I recognized that to some degree, I needed to let myself have the sadness so I could move on from it. Trying to deny it could let me to getting lost in it. When I'd get that way, I'd try to rationalize how maybe things could turn around. Maybe I could figure it out. Maybe they'd see things my way. Those are dangerous fantasies. It was better to let myself feel sad and recognize that I know learned that I did want to be with someone. I had been alone for years before this and mostly okay, but that situation made me feel like I wanted to make one more earnest try to find someone. That all took a while. Over a year. But I found my way forward. You don't need to replace your ex right now. You don't need to desperately try to fix this. You can be sad and lost and it can still be okay eventually. You don't have to know how you get there. That's not usually how this goes. Good luck.

You're absolutely right. I certainly am not in a place where I am ready to emotionally move on. I have fallen in love once before and it took me two and a half years to start to move on. That relationship was long distance so being far away from the person made it easier to move on and meet someone real. Then I found my current ex and she was everything and more. If it takes me almost three years to get over someone I barley knew, I can't imagine how long it's going to take for me to move on from a prefect person I spent a ton of time with.


I do not want to keep putting myself out there just to be hurt and take years to recover. I don't want to live a life dependent on pills, therapy and temporary distractions. All I ever wanted was to build a life with someone who loves me. If I was actually desirable someone would have made an effort for me. I know you mentioned how dangerous it can be to live in fantasies but, at times that's all I have.

It hurts because it feels like I came close only to the one thing I wanted most and, I know I'll never have another chance. Now all I can do is isolate myself and think about what could have been.

 

[fadedghost]

I get this isn't something you want to hear right now, but what you're describing here doesn't sound like "ghosting". It sounds like someone who has made several, perhaps increasingly explicit attempts to reject you that you are trying to find a way to hear as an opening for a debate.

I don't think we have enough information to know that. This person may have actually ghosted, and may have done it because they didn't know what else to say, and they may have not been incredibly direct because people often aren't direct. We really can't know.

 

[name2come]

I don't think we have enough information to know that. This person may have actually ghosted, and may have done it because they didn't know what else to say, and they may have not been incredibly direct because people often aren't direct. We really can't know.

Sure, I don't know for certain. Neither does OP. But context clues can tell us a lot. For one thing, I'm not sure its ever useful to describe actions of an ex as "ghosting". Being an ex is already closing a door. Absolutely, sometimes exes can stay friends, but it really shouldn't be assumed. I've had exes I ended on good terms with and ones I didn't, and I never really had much of a relationship afterwards with any of them. When there is a break-up, its important to understand that it is ultimately not the responsibility of your ex to help you move on or process the end of the relationship. ANYTHING they offer is a kindness and they are never under any obligation to continue, even if we'd really like them to. They don't owe us anything at this point.

Nor do we owe them anything. Ending a relationship IS a very direct and unambiguous step and there comes a point where you just have to respect that. You don't have to like it. You don't have to understand it. That's always part of our interactions with others. They have their own internal lives and their own internal feelings and choices and desires. Those may not always stay in alignment with our own. We shouldn't blame them for this but we also shouldn't blame ourselves.

And sometimes that's easier to say than to feel, but even then we've got to do what we can to respect the distance that necessarily comes with the end of a relationship. Sometimes, its on us to have those feelings by ourselves. We can maintain our empathy for others and honestly for ourselves, too. "Closure" isn't always something we're given, and that's okay. Sometimes we have to build it ourselves and sometimes we need to give ourselves time. It can't always be "ghosting" the last time we hear from an ex. That's an anticipated part of that dynamic. It may not always happen when we want it to and its okay to let ourselves feel sad about that, but that doesn't mean we are wronged, either.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I'd much rather just be cut off as painful as that is.