invisible

[owarikigan]

not directly suicide related , but i feel myself slipping into the mindset again . i miss it and hope it brings me closer to it . i wish my subconscious didn't have the blind hope and optimism that it does . i feel invisible , kind of like an imaginary friend few people can see , or a ghost . i put in the effort to mask and fix the reputation that i broke completely on my own but i'm still never seen , even when i put in the effort to be . i still feel the sting of rejection and ignorance . being perceived makes me anxious , but i don't like the thought that if i do eventually ctb , i may not have made any sort of meaningful impact enough to be anything more than a passing thought . even after disappearing from social media presences , no matter how enigmatic the note it was on ,,, people don't really care. you just stop offering them what they want, you don't cease existing to them . i've learned i can't make people care , and it still hurts . this sort of prevention month feels like a joke to me . but it's true ; as someone who falls into the depths of suicidality at least once a month, if not week, the concern and care people feel for one another is truly selective, and at times self-serving and performative , even if just in my own experience