functioning suicidal life

[valoristic]

I'm in this cycle of working, coming home, cleaning, eating, sleeping. Over and over. And every day, I think more and more about CTB. I've always had SI, it's been way worse than it is now, but it's been pretty bad lately. Which is weird cause I should be happy, I have a full time job, I finally live on my own, I have my kiddos (my cats) and a really good boyfriend. That's like, ideal? Everything I've ever wanted? And still I think about it everyday. Recently though, it's been worse. More jokes, more thinking, even went as far as writing my first note, to my dad. I try to drown it out with alcohol, drown it out with sex, drown it out with friends. Everything I try, it's still there in the back of my head, slowly chipping at my sanity. Feeling unstable and scared I'm going to ruin everything I finally got. Everything I wished for.
I want to go so bad. Nobody knows that though. Everyone sees happy go lucky me, stupid depressed jokes me, alcoholic me, fun and life of the party me, nobody sees the person who wants to leave desperately. I'm functioning, barely, but I'm there. I live with the thoughts. And it's getting unbearable.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I'm the same, work, sleep, eat, repeat. I just can't find my place on this earth. Nobody sees the deep thoughts that race through my mind day in and day out. My time is coming, was supposed to be earlier this year, but shit happened and kept postponing my exit.

Best of luck to you.

 

[valoristic]

I'm the same, work, sleep, eat, repeat. I just can't find my place on this earth. Nobody sees the deep thoughts that race through my mind day in and day out. My time is coming, was supposed to be earlier this year, but shit happened and kept postponing my exit.

Best of luck to you.

I'm glad to know someone feels similar to me. That I'm not alone. I hope you feel a little better but I understand that hopelessness that follows cycles. At least we can be alone together :).
best of luck to you as well

 

[ElTopo]

I'm in this cycle of working, coming home, cleaning, eating, sleeping. Over and over. And every day, I think more and more about CTB. I've always had SI, it's been way worse than it is now, but it's been pretty bad lately. Which is weird cause I should be happy, I have a full time job, I finally live on my own, I have my kiddos (my cats) and a really good boyfriend. That's like, ideal? Everything I've ever wanted? And still I think about it everyday. Recently though, it's been worse. More jokes, more thinking, even went as far as writing my first note, to my dad. I try to drown it out with alcohol, drown it out with sex, drown it out with friends. Everything I try, it's still there in the back of my head, slowly chipping at my sanity. Feeling unstable and scared I'm going to ruin everything I finally got. Everything I wished for.
I want to go so bad. Nobody knows that though. Everyone sees happy go lucky me, stupid depressed jokes me, alcoholic me, fun and life of the party me, nobody sees the person who wants to leave desperately. I'm functioning, barely, but I'm there. I live with the thoughts. And it's getting unbearable.

I feel you. I have a job, a functioning life, an apartment, live on my own, go to the gym etc...
It's just weird living this functional life and stil lthinking about ending it everyday. It's not like there's nothing wrong, many things have gone wrong in my life and have made me suicidal, and I feel like I'm irremediably scarred.
If you still have it in you, you should try recovery.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have a less balanced life but, I'm functioning in as much as I'm working. Freelance though so, in some ways there are less checks to ensure I'm not letting it all fall apart. I live and work alone. It's hard though right? Keeping on pushing through it with something so heavy on your shoulders.

My weird comfort is the idea that it won't be forever. (I want to wait for my Dad to go first.) The possibility of death is ironically what helps me to stay alive!

Has it been like this for a long time for you? May I ask? Can you pinpoint when and why things changed?

 

[valoristic]

I have a less balanced life but, I'm functioning in as much as I'm working. Freelance though so, in some ways there are less checks to ensure I'm not letting it all fall apart. I live and work alone. It's hard though right? Keeping on pushing through it with something so heavy on your shoulders.

My weird comfort is the idea that it won't be forever. (I want to wait for my Dad to go first.) The possibility of death is ironically what helps me to stay alive!

Has it been like this for a long time for you? May I ask? Can you pinpoint when and why things changed?

It's been this way for a long time. It hit its peak when I was in high school but I've been feeling these effects since I was a kid. Unfortunately, as much as it has died down, the thoughts still linger and I feel their control.
I'm doing my best to keep going. I wish you well and find comfort in what's to come <3

 

[TBONTB]

I'm in this cycle of working, coming home, cleaning, eating, sleeping. Over and over. And every day, I think more and more about CTB. I've always had SI, it's been way worse than it is now, but it's been pretty bad lately. Which is weird cause I should be happy, I have a full time job, I finally live on my own, I have my kiddos (my cats) and a really good boyfriend. That's like, ideal? Everything I've ever wanted? And still I think about it everyday. Recently though, it's been worse. More jokes, more thinking, even went as far as writing my first note, to my dad. I try to drown it out with alcohol, drown it out with sex, drown it out with friends. Everything I try, it's still there in the back of my head, slowly chipping at my sanity. Feeling unstable and scared I'm going to ruin everything I finally got. Everything I wished for.
I want to go so bad. Nobody knows that though. Everyone sees happy go lucky me, stupid depressed jokes me, alcoholic me, fun and life of the party me, nobody sees the person who wants to leave desperately. I'm functioning, barely, but I'm there. I live with the thoughts. And it's getting unbearable.

"Should be" happy is a killer, isn't it.

But I can't tell you how envious I am of your life. I say that not to whine (kind of) but just to hope you can get a little happiness from just the reality of things being okay.

Alcoholic you though. Ever have any thoughts of letting the alcohol go? It can definitely drag you down and maybe be part of why you feel you are on the "spin cycle".

I also relate your brain getting turned onto the SI cycle...it's like it gets stuck in the "on" position. This might be some reprogramming needed. There's some techniques for this I thing. If you are interested and don't have therapist there are things all over the internet.

Well, sorry about all that advice just hoping you can be one of the ones who can have an okay life.

 

[valoristic]

"Should be" happy is a killer, isn't it.

But I can't tell you how envious I am of your life. I say that not to whine (kind of) but just to hope you can get a little happiness from just the reality of things being okay.

Alcoholic you though. Ever have any thoughts of letting the alcohol go? It can definitely drag you down and maybe be part of why you feel you are on the "spin cycle".

I also relate your brain getting turned onto the SI cycle...it's like it gets stuck in the "on" position. This might be some reprogramming needed. There's some techniques for this I thing. If you are interested and don't have therapist there are things all over the internet.

Well, sorry about all that advice just hoping you can be one of the ones who can have an okay life.

It's understandable. Like I said, ideal right? It's honestly stupid. I wish I could let the alcohol go, then I wouldn't be getting so fuckin fat. But it's like my one crutch. If anything is keeping me here, it's that stupid fucking bottle getting me through my days. I had a therapist but I kinda don't have enough money to be seeing her as much as she wanted me to attend. So I stopped going. It was working out for awhile but, lack of funds means no mental health help LOL. I'd like to get better, I just have no motivation to. As well as, there's comfort in this dark place. I know it well, it's hard to want something else yk? Comfort in the chaos.
I hope I can be one of the ones to be okay and thank you for hoping that too.

 

[ahopelessgirl]

I'm in this cycle of working, coming home, cleaning, eating, sleeping. Over and over. And every day, I think more and more about CTB. I've always had SI, it's been way worse than it is now, but it's been pretty bad lately. Which is weird cause I should be happy, I have a full time job, I finally live on my own, I have my kiddos (my cats) and a really good boyfriend. That's like, ideal? Everything I've ever wanted? And still I think about it everyday. Recently though, it's been worse. More jokes, more thinking, even went as far as writing my first note, to my dad. I try to drown it out with alcohol, drown it out with sex, drown it out with friends. Everything I try, it's still there in the back of my head, slowly chipping at my sanity. Feeling unstable and scared I'm going to ruin everything I finally got. Everything I wished for.
I want to go so bad. Nobody knows that though. Everyone sees happy go lucky me, stupid depressed jokes me, alcoholic me, fun and life of the party me, nobody sees the person who wants to leave desperately. I'm functioning, barely, but I'm there. I live with the thoughts. And it's getting unbearable.

I understand this, still functioning while suffering so much is a strange feeling. You don't function because you're okay, or even because you want to. It's complicated but I want you to know I understand, even if we don't live the exact same
lives. And other people here understand too. It won't fix anything but maybe it'll at least bring you some peace of mind you're not alone. I have a good boyfriend too. I feel so bad that he can't stop me if I commit. I don't want to hurt him but it's too much pain, I'm sure you feel the same way.

 

[popping_candy]

I have someone I love too, and I'm not going to do it while he's around. I know the world is a cruel place though and he might eventually disappear for many reasons, so that's why I'm doing my research here.

You can love your loved ones and enjoy your time with them but still feel like the rest of the time is not worth living through, and I don't think having the two beliefs at the same time is unreasonable or makes you abnormal. There are certain situations I experience where I wonder why I didn't research CTB sooner so I wouldn't have to be experiencing them, and in the same day they're followed by time at home alone with my partner where I am perfectly happy. Just feels like part of the human condition really.