Fucked up today, may push up the date

[nootthenoot]

Today I talked to my therapist and told him everything on my mind. Like how soon I am going to ctb, and how I simply don't care anymore. The fact that I feel like therapy can't help me with this and how I don't want to care about other people. How no one cares to know the extent of how I feel. And how I feel like as shitty as it is, going to the hospital would be the best thing for me if he wanted to make me live. But to be honest, I don't want to be saved. I just want to be listened to. I need someone to talk to during these last few days of my life. And he actually respected that (partially, which I'll get to). He isn't like other therapists that tries to 'save' you. He just says what he thinks without trying to convince you, and I respect that. That's something I like about him. Unfortunately, when I was talking to him I didn't consider the legal implications of not him not informing the proper authorities. I only realized it when he mentioned that he has to consult with his peers about what to do with me. So sooner or later he will tell someone, and I'll end up in deeper shit. No one gets the fact that I am fully convinced no one can help me, and no one can change that. It would be difficult to strictly follow my plan now. At this point everything has to be rushed. I may actually end up catching the bus tonight/next morning, if I can build on this current mindset. But at the same time I can probably lie my way out of this and stick to my current plan. Idk. I'll try to update y'all once I've made my decision.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Sounds like a tough predicament. Think it through carefully what you want/need to do so things go the way you want them to. Haste usually results in mistakes, maybe with life-changing implications. Keep us informed as best you can and good luck and peace to you.

 

[nootthenoot]

UPDATE

The date's gonna be Friday. Stuff happened and now my family is involved. Now everything's worst. Gonna update y'all soon when I get the chance to.

 

[Musichater]

Wish you the best whatever you're going to decide. My first appointment with a shrink will be this Thursday, and frankly I'm pessimistic, the more so after reading a lot of forum members sharing their unfruitful interactions with the professionals.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course in a world like this where suicide is so stigmatised, being open about our wish to die will likely not be beneficial and will just lead to more suffering. It is perfectly understandable wanting others to listen to what you have to say and respect your decision but I personally wouldn't see it as being the best idea. I get that it can be dreadful when life just gets worse, this existence can certainly be very tiring.
I wish you freedom for when the time is right for you to leave.