I have to leave the family I'm staying with in a week and I just don't have it in me to be on the streets again. I've been sick since I was 15 and at first it was slow progression. Mostly pain and charlie horses in my back. When I hit 19 I started getting random spells of being unable to stand and uncontrolled movements in my arms. They twist up, my wrists get stuck to my ears. It was every once and a while until I was abt 22-23 when I suddenly lost my ability to walk and bear weight completely. The twisties in got in my arms turned into full body attacks, charlie horses all over my body. My head whipping back and sometimes the back of my head getting glued to the back of my shoulders. Over three years of mri's you can watch all the discs in my neck herniating and multiple spots of stenosis forming along with arthritis. Still no pain meds, still no diagnosis. Doctors just wanna send me to psych, they tell me its psychosomatic. Ive been in a wheelchair for years, I used to dance everyday all day long. Its one if the only ways I can regulate my autism. Than all I was left with was my art but at least I had that. Now my hand twist up after a couple sentences and if I push it its spreads up my arms.
I can't roll a block away on a good day without triggering it now after my last time on the street a little over a year ago. I spent one week in northern US winter. I lost my boots cause my feet were too swollen and a worker at the shelter was screaming at me to get out so I was out in winter in sandals. I got neuropathy in my feet and had little black spots all over my body for days once I finally got warm. Now i have to do it all over again cause none of my family wants to help me. They just talk behind my back about how lazy I am and how I never do anything but scroll on my phone but what they don't seem to realize is that it's literally all I have. My other option is to stare at the wall all day because everything causes me such extreme pain and since my doctor's don't take me seriously either I can't get approved for disability. I haven't had an income since 2020 I haven't been able to do anything for myself in 6 years and everyone around me acts like thats what I want. Like i didn't have plans. I was going to be a traveling doula, I already had like 5 courses payed for that would have added to my practice and I also planned on doing tattoos on the side for more stable income. Nobody has ever even asked me what my plans would have been if i hadn't got sick. They just shame shame shame. When I lived with my aunt she said one of the most hurtful things. I haven't gone a day without hearing it over and over "I don't know how you can just sit there and not do anything with yourself, it's amazing what you can do when you out your mind to something" but I can't I can't just push through. I had plans, i had dream. I watched each one be violently ripped away and everyone in my life abandon me for it.
I can't do it anymore, I'm only 25 I didn't even get a chance to fucking live. I'm so sick of everyone acting like I don't want to go do things. I didn't need extra punishment on top of what I've already been through. I lost my childhood to abuse and doveloped dissociative identity disorder as a result. I don't mind having headmates, it's actually helped a lot but watching any hope of an adulthood ripped from me as well and everyone ive ever loved leave as a result. I don't even know where to fucking start. I'm too tired for this
This isn't even everything I deal with symptom wise but by brain is too damn scattered to put all that together
I can't roll a block away on a good day without triggering it now after my last time on the street a little over a year ago. I spent one week in northern US winter. I lost my boots cause my feet were too swollen and a worker at the shelter was screaming at me to get out so I was out in winter in sandals. I got neuropathy in my feet and had little black spots all over my body for days once I finally got warm. Now i have to do it all over again cause none of my family wants to help me. They just talk behind my back about how lazy I am and how I never do anything but scroll on my phone but what they don't seem to realize is that it's literally all I have. My other option is to stare at the wall all day because everything causes me such extreme pain and since my doctor's don't take me seriously either I can't get approved for disability. I haven't had an income since 2020 I haven't been able to do anything for myself in 6 years and everyone around me acts like thats what I want. Like i didn't have plans. I was going to be a traveling doula, I already had like 5 courses payed for that would have added to my practice and I also planned on doing tattoos on the side for more stable income. Nobody has ever even asked me what my plans would have been if i hadn't got sick. They just shame shame shame. When I lived with my aunt she said one of the most hurtful things. I haven't gone a day without hearing it over and over "I don't know how you can just sit there and not do anything with yourself, it's amazing what you can do when you out your mind to something" but I can't I can't just push through. I had plans, i had dream. I watched each one be violently ripped away and everyone in my life abandon me for it.
I can't do it anymore, I'm only 25 I didn't even get a chance to fucking live. I'm so sick of everyone acting like I don't want to go do things. I didn't need extra punishment on top of what I've already been through. I lost my childhood to abuse and doveloped dissociative identity disorder as a result. I don't mind having headmates, it's actually helped a lot but watching any hope of an adulthood ripped from me as well and everyone ive ever loved leave as a result. I don't even know where to fucking start. I'm too tired for this
This isn't even everything I deal with symptom wise but by brain is too damn scattered to put all that together
