I hate that no matter how terrible my day is—feeling depressed, defeated, and completely drained—I almost always wake up with some glimmer of hope and optimism. But, of course, it quickly fades as the day goes on. No matter how much effort I put into improving myself and my life, trying to change and please others over and over again, it feels pointless.
Now, at 35—just turned a month ago—I'm still alone. No text messages, no phone calls, no celebration. Just me. By now, I've realized nothing will ever truly get better. Life only seems to grow lonelier and more depressing with time.
I used to look forward to certain times of the year. Summer meant trips to the beach with friends or hanging out in the city. Halloween was about dressing up, going to pumpkin patches, or hitting up parties. December was special—my birthday month. I dreamed of picking out a Christmas tree with someone close, cooking with loved ones, exchanging gifts, and simply enjoying each other's company. But I've never experienced any of it—not once—no matter how much I wanted to or how hard I tried to make it happen.
I've always stayed in the race, no matter how many times I stumbled. I reached out for help, but no one ever came. And still, I kept getting up. Stumbling and rising. Over and over.
Now, I've finally found the courage to do what I need to escape this endless cycle. In a strange way, I almost feel excited to be done with it all.
My hope is that all of you on here and everywhere, find your courage to do what ever it is you want to do. Don't let anyone take that little bit of power away from you.
Signing off.
Now, at 35—just turned a month ago—I'm still alone. No text messages, no phone calls, no celebration. Just me. By now, I've realized nothing will ever truly get better. Life only seems to grow lonelier and more depressing with time.
I used to look forward to certain times of the year. Summer meant trips to the beach with friends or hanging out in the city. Halloween was about dressing up, going to pumpkin patches, or hitting up parties. December was special—my birthday month. I dreamed of picking out a Christmas tree with someone close, cooking with loved ones, exchanging gifts, and simply enjoying each other's company. But I've never experienced any of it—not once—no matter how much I wanted to or how hard I tried to make it happen.
I've always stayed in the race, no matter how many times I stumbled. I reached out for help, but no one ever came. And still, I kept getting up. Stumbling and rising. Over and over.
Now, I've finally found the courage to do what I need to escape this endless cycle. In a strange way, I almost feel excited to be done with it all.
My hope is that all of you on here and everywhere, find your courage to do what ever it is you want to do. Don't let anyone take that little bit of power away from you.
Signing off.
