For once, I have a plan.

[dreadfull red panda]

I've been considering many ways in the past to commit to it, and thanks to my therapist, I have finaly got one that I'm thinking is gonna work best. I also have a date, and I've begun doing a checklist of everything I need to do and prepare first. I thought I could submit it here to get maybe some revisions and additions to it.

I plan on doing it on the 20th of july, so in 16 days. It is a symbolic date for me, as it was the day I was supposed to leave to travel accros the country and see my boyfriend before everything went wrong.
Here is, in order, what I was thinking of doing before I departed.

1. buy as much weed as I am able to. This would be done this week, and is a way to help me reflect on my choice as well as actually enjoy the rest of my life. I am also a frequent user and wish to be buried with some, as I believe it will follow me in my next step.
2. I have a therapist appointment on the 10th of july. I will be attending it. Should I hide my plan from my therapist? I think I should.
3. I have tickets to multiple concerts I've been looking forward to for months and, luckily, they will be happening all before my planned date. I plan on enjoying my time there as much as possible.
4. after that, or maybe in between the concerts, I will be painting a final artwork on a piece of wood gifted to me by my art teacher last year. I will write a hefty amount of letters and poems, as well as make a list of my favorite songs. I want to make this as light as possible on my boyfriend, as I do not want him to attempt after me.
5. All through this process, I will be spending as much time with my partner as I can, and I will be as affectionate and lovely as I can be with him. I want him to be happy.
6. As soon as I am done with the artwork, I will clean my whole appartment as good as I can.
7. On the final day, I will be sending him all of the money I have left on my paypal account. I do not want my parents to access it.
8. I will make sure I am on call with my partner all through the night of the 19 to the 20, as he is my absolute priority and the last person I want to talk to in my final moments.
9. I will be getting up very early in the morning and getting in full makeup as well as into my favorite dress. I will also be enjoying some music and preparing my appartment and room to be found later by, in a perfect scenario, my parents.
10. I will tell my boyfriend I love him one last time, and make sure he is happy before I pass away.
11. I will be walking to the tracks on which the train I was supposed to take on the 20th to see him will be passing at around 7 in the morning. I will then lay there and hopefully fall asleep, as I plan on getting very high.

if anybody has suggestions, advice or revisions, I am all open to criticism. I am a hopeless romantic so this plan might sound a bit idealized. English also isn't my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes I have made while writing this.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think the plan sounds very nice mostly. I question lying on the tracks, falling asleep, and waiting for the train to come. Seems to me that allows a lot of opportunity for someone to come along and see you there. I would think it would be more successful for those who jump out from hiding at the last minute, right before a train passes, and place their head/neck on the tracks right before the train hits them.

 

[MrDarkness]

I hope your able to find peace, I'll join you and everyone else in heaven soon

 

[dreadfull red panda]

I think the plan sounds very nice mostly. I question lying on the tracks, falling asleep, and waiting for the train to come. Seems to me that allows a lot of opportunity for someone to come along and see you there. I would think it would be more successful for those who jump out from hiding at the last minute, right before a train passes, and place their head/neck on the tracks right before the train hits them.

There is a small forest portion hidding the train tracks, so I think I would be alright. I am afraid I would choke if I waited consciously next to it.

 

[alonely]

I think the symbolism and meaning behind everything is beautiful. I wish you peace in whatever your choice may be.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

There is a small forest portion hidding the train tracks, so I think I would be alright. I am afraid I would choke if I waited consciously next to it.

I can understand that. You need to do what you think will work for you. Best to you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your plans, I hope you find the freedom you search for when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[deathLiberation]

Too much melancholic/romantic depression which is actually a form of attachment to this materalistic realm imo but you do you.
Would suggest to watch ctb videos with trains, a lot can go wrong, made me exclude that method.
Hope you can find peace.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I definitely wouldn't tell the therapist.
Telling a therapist you are actively suicidal is like telling a cop you've just burgled a house.
Therapists cannot be trusted and will try to get you sectioned if you tell them if any plans.
Also there are much better methods than the train method.
But this is only my own personal opinion.
Whatever you decide to do I wish you a successful and peaceful exit.

 

[dreadfull red panda]

Too much melancholic/romantic depression which is actually a form of attachment to this materalistic realm imo but you do you.
Would suggest to watch ctb videos with trains, a lot can go wrong, made me exclude that method.
Hope you can find peace.

I am aware there are better method, but I dont have acces to any better ones. Plus, I know you just said I should stray away from symbolism, but it is a symbol for me as I was supposed to take that specific train.

I definitely wouldn't tell the therapist.
Telling a therapist you are actively suicidal is like telling a cop you've just burgled a house.
Therapists cannot be trusted and will try to get you sectioned if you tell them if any plans.
Also there are much better methods than the train method.
But this is only my own personal opinion.
Whatever you decide to do I wish you a successful and peaceful exit.

As I mentionned in another comment, the train method is also charged with a lot of symbolism for me. I would not want to use another one.

 

[worstOFsociety]

I'd maybe try to get my hands on some kind of sleeping pills to make sure you pass out if thats what your going for. Also remember that there's help around if you change your mind but Im not gonna try to stop you if this is really what you want. Just make sure you think about it and that your sure this is really what you want. Tho with the time frame you've chosen Im sure you'll have alot of time to think about this plan. Hope you'll have a nice few days before the end. Hope it'll be some of the best days in your life.

 

[neveragreedtothis]

I am aware there are better method, but I dont have acces to any better ones. Plus, I know you just said I should stray away from symbolism, but it is a symbol for me as I was supposed to take that specific train.

As I mentionned in another comment, the train method is also charged with a lot of symbolism for me. I would not want to use another one.

There's a lot of risk of:
1. the train stopping and you possibly getting arrested/committed.
2. as you will be high you might wander off without realizing.
3. possible survival in a very mangled state.