Focusing on myself

[Cloud Busting]

This is hard. I prefer to help other people. I think it's my escape so I don't have to think about myself. Looking in the mirror, introspecting, it lends itself to seeing the dark and ugly parts of myself. I get lost in helping others. It's also how I gain my worth; Being selfless. Helping others. Being of use. Who am I if I'm not helping others? Maybe it's because I'm terrified to know myself.

I cannot help others and currently need to be helped and I hate it. I hate letting people help me. I hate being alone with myself, working on myself, facing my demons. It makes me feel selfish to do so. But again I think it's that I'm afraid of myself. And using others as a means to an end, as pet projects to boost my identity and worth, as disposables, it's ironically selfish.

I worry about becoming self absorbed and losing my compassion for others, but I know I need to help myself before I can help others. So yes, I'm going to take a break, disconnect, and focus on me.

It will be painful. It will hurt. But hopefully I can become integrated and whole.

 

[Pluto]

 

[mushi]

you'll never become whole. that's the lie of recovery/healing that people push. it's a popular narrative because it sounds nice. take these pills, exercise every morning, eat healthy, do your deep breathing, go meditate in the mountains with a monk, and bam, you are no longer a piece of shit, you are a Good Person. you are Enlightened. you now no longer have problems, you only have healthy relationships, no one gets sick or dies, etc etc.

but it's not real. people are very good at selling the idea though. I agree there are people who are better than others. you've probably met them and have someone in mind. but those people also struggle to get out of bed and eat and shit and vomit like the rest of us. they have fights with their parents and boyfriends and girlfriends and best friends. they snap at people and give up on things halfway and start a new hobby and then give up because they suck.

i'm not saying everyone is on SaSu but this idea that there's "healed" people and "broken" people isn't real. I work with corporate lawyers who tick all the boxes on paper and are "successful" with families and money and they exercise and run ultra marathons and whatever else. a lot of them are mentally unwell. and a lot of them are very greedy people.

i definitely thought if i was a good person i'd be a happy person. and then i realised i'm not good or bad, im just a person like anyone else. i'm also a person with pretty bad depression so i'm probably not ever going to be happy. but tbh i don't really care about being happy. i've been depressed for 8 years, im kind of used to it now. but i do want to find love. i know it's real because i've felt it before, and that's what gives me meaning.

 

[calebzz1]

This is hard. I prefer to help other people. I think it's my escape so I don't have to think about myself. Looking in the mirror, introspecting, it lends itself to seeing the dark and ugly parts of myself. I get lost in helping others. It's also how I gain my worth; Being selfless. Helping others. Being of use. Who am I if I'm not helping others? Maybe it's because I'm terrified to know myself.

I cannot help others and currently need to be helped and I hate it. I hate letting people help me. I hate being alone with myself, working on myself, facing my demons. It makes me feel selfish to do so. But again I think it's that I'm afraid of myself. And using others as a means to an end, as pet projects to boost my identity and worth, as disposables, it's ironically selfish.

I worry about becoming self absorbed and losing my compassion for others, but I know I need to help myself before I can help others. So yes, I'm going to take a break, disconnect, and focus on me.

It will be painful. It will hurt. But hopefully I can become integrated and whole.

That's totally understandable for sure, I've had to change my personality when dealing with this situation as well.

I've learned that I'm no longer a people pleaser because I analyze if a person would directly help my visual impairment or the household itself.

If they don't meet that criteria, I'm not going to put a lot of effort into that relationship.

People don't realize that I've had to get a white cane and understand the true depths what I go through and how limiting it is as a young man.

I help people when I can but I'm not a hero and can't even read a book at 25 due to what I experience.

 

[Cloud Busting]

you'll never become whole. that's the lie of recovery/healing that people push. it's a popular narrative because it sounds nice. take these pills, exercise every morning, eat healthy, do your deep breathing, go meditate in the mountains with a monk, and bam, you are no longer a piece of shit, you are a Good Person. you are Enlightened. you now no longer have problems, you only have healthy relationships, no one gets sick or dies, etc etc.

but it's not real. people are very good at selling the idea though. I agree there are people who are better than others. you've probably met them and have someone in mind. but those people also struggle to get out of bed and eat and shit and vomit like the rest of us. they have fights with their parents and boyfriends and girlfriends and best friends. they snap at people and give up on things halfway and start a new hobby and then give up because they suck.

i'm not saying everyone is on SaSu but this idea that there's "healed" people and "broken" people isn't real. I work with corporate lawyers who tick all the boxes on paper and are "successful" with families and money and they exercise and run ultra marathons and whatever else. a lot of them are mentally unwell. and a lot of them are very greedy people.

i definitely thought if i was a good person i'd be a happy person. and then i realised i'm not good or bad, im just a person like anyone else. i'm also a person with pretty bad depression so i'm probably not ever going to be happy. but tbh i don't really care about being happy. i've been depressed for 8 years, im kind of used to it now. but i do want to find love. i know it's real because i've felt it before, and that's what gives me meaning.

I don't know why I'm responding to this so late in the game but I think you misunderstand what I mean by integrated and whole. I'm speaking in the jungian sense of integrating all parts of my conscious and subconscious mind into one cohesive entity. Like ifs therapy/parts work. Essentially I'm saying I focus too outwardly on others to avoid working on myself so I'm trying to change things up.

Interestingly, I have eliminated the concept of "good" and "bad" from my vocabulary. Well, I still fall into the trap, but I find it hinders my recovery more than helps if I buy into such a dichotomy. I also feel it creates too many problems with idealizing people or creating enemies which is bad for society I think. Nuance is key.

Also I don't want to be "happy." I want to feel all feelings, intensely and beautifully, with a full embrace and absence of fear of them. Negative emotions to me as a net benefit, not a bad thing to eliminate.

Suffering is the bane of life. I'm not looking to eliminate suffering, or to be perfect or happy all the time. I'm looking to learn to overcome adversity rather than be crushed by it. And to be the best person I can be, which requires introspection and focusing on myself (a hard thing for me to do.)

Though I disagree that people cannot become enlightened, yet that's just a spiritual thing and there's no point in arguing over such matters.

I think looking for love is a beautiful way to find meaning and I'm wishing you luck on your journey. For me, paying my dues to others who have struggled similar issues is what helps me find purpose. And spite. (;

 

[Cloud Busting]

That's totally understandable for sure, I've had to change my personality when dealing with this situation as well.

I've learned that I'm no longer a people pleaser because I analyze if a person would directly help my visual impairment or the household itself.

If they don't meet that criteria, I'm not going to put a lot of effort into that relationship.

People don't realize that I've had to get a white cane and understand the true depths what I go through and how limiting it is as a young man.

I help people when I can but I'm not a hero and can't even read a book at 25 due to what I experience.

I'm sorry to hear of your visual problem and you're a strong person to carry on despite that.

No one- regardless of one's status-is a hero I think. At the very least being a hero is not something I personally strive for and I don't consider it to be realistic for most- if anyone even.

"Is this person helping me" has been a very useful criteria for my personal relationships tbh

 

[calebzz1]

I'm sorry to hear of your visual problem and you're a strong person to carry on despite that.

No one- regardless of one's status-is a hero I think. At the very least being a hero is not something I personally strive for and I don't consider it to be realistic for most- if anyone even.

"Is this person helping me" has been a very useful criteria for my personal relationships tbh

Thank you so much, it has been the hardest medical condition ever.

I'm blessed that it's curable but the condition overal is tricky to treat.

I agree with your statement about being a hero for sure.

Yep, it's a great criteria to weed out the fake people who shouldn't be in your life.